To bring your child?

[Fieldwork]

DH and I have been invited away for this weekend with his DB and DSIL, (no kids) as a surprise for her birthday. Plan is to surprise her at dinner and to come for part of the weekend - not all. Resort is beach based but definitely aimed at an adult crowd. Beautiful bars etc. DH said yesterday ... oh I've asked DS if he wants to come (to which I was a bit )quickly followed by oh don't worry he won't want to, but I wanted him to know he was included.
My point was he hasn't asked his DB if that's ok, as if DS says he wants to come then it completely changes the dynamic of the weekend for DSIL/DB, who the Occassion is all about. There is only so many long lunches, nice bars you can go to with a grumpy teen in tow. DH would end up doing his own this with DS, missing the point of the weekend with DB and DSIL. Plus it would mean missing a day of school. Am I being a wicked step mum ? Or is this an unreasonable path of thinking for DH?

[SurgeHopper]

What would DS do if he didn't come with you guys?

[Seahorseshoe]

Yanbu.

[LaBelleSauvage]

Jumping on the unanimous bandwagon: YANBU. DH IBU

[Fieldwork]

@SurgeHopper DSS would be with his mum and at school if he doesn't come. He doesn't see his teen cousins much. Plus there is a big gap, 19,16 b&g. So not much in common. I'm a bit gutted too, my vision of a lazy lunch with DH, then back to bed to sleep of a few wines. A sundowner before meeting DB/sIL for a boozy tasting menu is somewhat in tatters! Suggested to DH that he should talk to DB, he said not point DS won't come, I just thought he should know it's an option 🤦🏼‍♀️

[AcrossthePond55]

Well, if he won't talk to his DB to give him a 'head's up' (and I think we all know why!), then he better be prepared to tell DSS that it's too late now as the bookings are all made!

I think DH knows he's messed this one up and is to proud or stubborn to admit it!

[Monty27]

DH has been a prick.

[faithinthesound]

Ask your DH if he really wants be that gormless knob who brings a kid to an adults getaway.

Ask yourself if you want to let it happen.

[Parly]

My response would be to ask your DH if he's taking the piss because you are either going away and leaving grumpy teen at home or he can enjoy playing his bollocks alone for the duration.

Have known relatives and extended friends that completely throw a deaf one to rules about no kids and that irks the shit out everyone but never known someone's own husband throw one in before. That said we just plan, tell the kids we're away and leave money for pizza and emergency contacts and that's it – gone.

What's his issue with this feeling a need to let your son know he's been invited – like he'll give a shit you're leaving him for a weekend to himself?

Son can stay at home. Tell DH he's a dick and you're not arguing the toss about this cos for some reason he's just being a dick.

[VimFuego101]

Your DH is an idiot.

[Fieldwork]

Teen won't be left at home but with his mother. Not really sure what DH was hoping to gain from this. DSS has been asking for dad to take him to footie at the weekends which this will class with - fine he's agreed to do that when he can. But DH can't go through life never saying no to him. (Current situation) As it creates a rod for his own back. I can't say, no he can't come as DH thinks - let him make up his mind if he wants to come. Then worry about it. My only solution is if he says yes he wants to come, we go away the following weekend with DSS so he still feels like he's getting a weekend away. It's completely nuts.
Left up to me I'd say nope he's not coming end of story. But he's not my child !!!!

[KC225]

I would be fuming - a lone teen does change the dynamic. I think you have to opt for the power of persuasion here. If DSS wants some 'footie' then look when his team are playing try and gets tickets or a club tour for him and DH to make up for it, something he wants to do with his Dad. Perhaps try and arrwnge aomething with his older cousins for another weekend. I agree with the poster above saying a 13 year old would have said yes on the spot if he had really wanted to go.

[ApolloandDaphne]

You can't take him on this weekend. Your DH is being an idiot.

[anniehm]

But young to stay home alone on holiday though most bars are pretty relaxed about kids overseas (apart from in USA when they are super strict). Can't you just say can't miss school?

[Fieldwork]

@KC225 - I see what your saying. But I don't see why I should have to bribe DSS to be ok about not coming to something that he shouldn't have been invited to in the first place. Plus to enable him to come would completely change the time we would need to leave (missing a whole day) plus he'd need to miss a full day of school or we'd need to cut the trip short!
It's utter madness !

[Fieldwork]

@anniehm there is no way we could leave him in the hotel room. DSS would be straight on the phone to his mother claiming abuse. He needs to be everywhere his DD is.

[Rachie1973]

I’d just call BIL and give him a heads up. Then he can ring your DH in turn and wax lyrical about how lovely a kid free weekend is going to be.

[HaventGotAllDay]

I'd tell your Dh this is his shitstorm approaching and to deal with it asap.

What a prat.

Not your job to call his brother either. He's created the mess, now he deals with it.

We'll look out for your SILs AIBU shortly "has BIL been a selfish entitled twat" Yup.

[beanaseireann]

Is it all done and dusted - has your stepson said yes, he wants to go, OP ?
Why can't your dh say to his ds "Oops I got it wrong, it's an adults only weekend." ?
Did I read your post correctly that it's a weekend you do not have dss anyway ?

[OffToBedhampton]

Book the hotel for two alongside DB & SIL.
Say to DH, don't be silly it's an adults only trip and he'll be at school. What are you like?
Say, 'about that trip' you'd like to take DSS on with all the family ANOTHER time, shall we sort out a camping one with us all for Easter?

Don't engage anymore than that.

[Fieldwork]

DH has left if with DSS.
I can just imagine DSIL if he turns up as she already thinks DSS has a tendency to be a spoiled brat.
Love the idea of her starting a thread - lol

[MsPavlichenko]

Regardless of all the other valid reasons, not running it by you first first is a red flag in my opinion. He really needs to tell DSS he made a mistake asap.

[Nanny0gg]

I can't say, no he can't come

Why not? It's your trip too. It's adult only, quite clear.

[MsPavlichenko]

You can say that. Why not? Again a red flag that you are not able to say what you think or want.

It is not his weekend, it is an adult only weekend. These are facts and not contoversial opinions.

[Fieldwork]

DH refuses to upset DS even if it's at my expense. His view point your an adult, get on with it - DS is a child, who takes great offence to not being included. He is still upset that I asked him to wind down for bed at 9/9:30 when he had a huge day of sport on the next day.
DH doesn't see the point upsetting him, when he'll probably not want to come anyway. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy that says hey, I can't take you to sport because I'm away with 'field' mum will need to do it. At least this way he can turn round to ex and say - he was invited, but didn't want to come. It's all so exhausting.
Look out for anniversary dinner thread coming shortly ....... that will be the next hurdle to overcome I'm sure.

[AcrossthePond55]

If he won't have your back Field then it's a lost cause. All you can do in this situation is be sure your BiL knows that you told your DH it was wrong and that he needed to clear it with him, first.

Honestly, this thread is why I made up my mind in younger days NEVER to date a man with children. I just didn't want the hassle that goes along with it and rearing 'mutual' children is hard enough as it is. God bless those of you who manage to keep your sanity.