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AIBU?

To bring your child?

59 replies

Fieldwork · 02/03/2019 20:22

DH and I have been invited away for this weekend with his DB and DSIL, (no kids) as a surprise for her birthday. Plan is to surprise her at dinner and to come for part of the weekend - not all. Resort is beach based but definitely aimed at an adult crowd. Beautiful bars etc. DH said yesterday ... oh I've asked DS if he wants to come (to which I was a bit )quickly followed by oh don't worry he won't want to, but I wanted him to know he was included.
My point was he hasn't asked his DB if that's ok, as if DS says he wants to come then it completely changes the dynamic of the weekend for DSIL/DB, who the Occassion is all about. There is only so many long lunches, nice bars you can go to with a grumpy teen in tow. DH would end up doing his own this with DS, missing the point of the weekend with DB and DSIL. Plus it would mean missing a day of school. Am I being a wicked step mum ? Or is this an unreasonable path of thinking for DH?

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beanaseireann · 06/03/2019 16:30

Good result so Fieldwork

Fieldwork · 06/03/2019 08:22

No no, DBIL will tell DH to sort his shit out. So it doesn't need to be me !

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TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 06/03/2019 08:18

So DH gets to say "it's not me that doesn't want you there, buddy". Bet that's what he was hoping. He sounds feckless.

Fieldwork · 06/03/2019 08:11

DH not booked hotel yet, dragging his heels as he doesn't want to commit to something he can't change if DSS decides he wants to come or his mum cracks it about us going away.

So lovely BIL messages me today, where you staying etc, shall I book here for dinner. So I told him the whole sorry scenario, he was really good about it and said. You need to come without him. It's important for you guys to get a break too. His take on it was DSS has been too used to getting his own way for too long and if DSS wants to come. BIL will say no, not going to work, it's an adults trip etc. he'll be the bad cop .... BIL
Was frustrated that DH was still being 'controlled' by them.
I've booked an event for us to do in the afternoon, which is adult appropriate and off home to get DH to book hotel, then we can move on and look forward to the trip !

OP posts:

harriethoyle · 06/03/2019 08:08

.

HermioneKipper · 06/03/2019 08:03

What did BIL say?!

ApolloandDaphne · 06/03/2019 07:57

And?

Fieldwork · 06/03/2019 07:46

So I dropped DH in it with BIL today .....

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MsPavlichenko · 03/03/2019 23:07

But why would DS be upset? It is not his weekend with his Dad. And anyway the folk issuing the invitation did not include him. And what has it got to do wth his Ex?

As I said red flags all over the place here.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/03/2019 22:35

If he won't have your back Field then it's a lost cause. All you can do in this situation is be sure your BiL knows that you told your DH it was wrong and that he needed to clear it with him, first.

Honestly, this thread is why I made up my mind in younger days NEVER to date a man with children. I just didn't want the hassle that goes along with it and rearing 'mutual' children is hard enough as it is. God bless those of you who manage to keep your sanity.

Fieldwork · 03/03/2019 21:14

DH refuses to upset DS even if it's at my expense. His view point your an adult, get on with it - DS is a child, who takes great offence to not being included. He is still upset that I asked him to wind down for bed at 9/9:30 when he had a huge day of sport on the next day.
DH doesn't see the point upsetting him, when he'll probably not want to come anyway. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy that says hey, I can't take you to sport because I'm away with 'field' mum will need to do it. At least this way he can turn round to ex and say - he was invited, but didn't want to come. It's all so exhausting.
Look out for anniversary dinner thread coming shortly ....... that will be the next hurdle to overcome I'm sure.

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MsPavlichenko · 03/03/2019 17:25

You can say that. Why not? Again a red flag that you are not able to say what you think or want.

It is not his weekend, it is an adult only weekend. These are facts and not contoversial opinions.

Nanny0gg · 03/03/2019 17:20

I can't say, no he can't come

Why not? It's your trip too. It's adult only, quite clear.

MsPavlichenko · 03/03/2019 17:10

Regardless of all the other valid reasons, not running it by you first first is a red flag in my opinion. He really needs to tell DSS he made a mistake asap.

Fieldwork · 03/03/2019 13:36

DH has left if with DSS.
I can just imagine DSIL if he turns up as she already thinks DSS has a tendency to be a spoiled brat.
Love the idea of her starting a thread - lol

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OffToBedhampton · 03/03/2019 10:05

Book the hotel for two alongside DB & SIL.
Say to DH, don't be silly it's an adults only trip and he'll be at school. What are you like?
Say, 'about that trip' you'd like to take DSS on with all the family ANOTHER time, shall we sort out a camping one with us all for Easter?

Don't engage anymore than that.

beanaseireann · 03/03/2019 09:07

Is it all done and dusted - has your stepson said yes, he wants to go, OP ?
Why can't your dh say to his ds "Oops I got it wrong, it's an adults only weekend." ?
Did I read your post correctly that it's a weekend you do not have dss anyway ?

HaventGotAllDay · 03/03/2019 09:02

I'd tell your Dh this is his shitstorm approaching and to deal with it asap.

What a prat.

Not your job to call his brother either. He's created the mess, now he deals with it.

We'll look out for your SILs AIBU shortly "has BIL been a selfish entitled twat" Yup.

Rachie1973 · 03/03/2019 09:00

I’d just call BIL and give him a heads up. Then he can ring your DH in turn and wax lyrical about how lovely a kid free weekend is going to be.

Fieldwork · 03/03/2019 08:53

@anniehm there is no way we could leave him in the hotel room. DSS would be straight on the phone to his mother claiming abuse. He needs to be everywhere his DD is.

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Fieldwork · 03/03/2019 08:52

@KC225 - I see what your saying. But I don't see why I should have to bribe DSS to be ok about not coming to something that he shouldn't have been invited to in the first place. Plus to enable him to come would completely change the time we would need to leave (missing a whole day) plus he'd need to miss a full day of school or we'd need to cut the trip short!
It's utter madness !

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anniehm · 03/03/2019 07:58

But young to stay home alone on holiday though most bars are pretty relaxed about kids overseas (apart from in USA when they are super strict). Can't you just say can't miss school?

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ApolloandDaphne · 03/03/2019 07:20

You can't take him on this weekend. Your DH is being an idiot.

KC225 · 03/03/2019 07:16

I would be fuming - a lone teen does change the dynamic. I think you have to opt for the power of persuasion here. If DSS wants some 'footie' then look when his team are playing try and gets tickets or a club tour for him and DH to make up for it, something he wants to do with his Dad. Perhaps try and arrwnge aomething with his older cousins for another weekend. I agree with the poster above saying a 13 year old would have said yes on the spot if he had really wanted to go.

Fieldwork · 03/03/2019 06:54

Teen won't be left at home but with his mother. Not really sure what DH was hoping to gain from this. DSS has been asking for dad to take him to footie at the weekends which this will class with - fine he's agreed to do that when he can. But DH can't go through life never saying no to him. (Current situation) As it creates a rod for his own back. I can't say, no he can't come as DH thinks - let him make up his mind if he wants to come. Then worry about it. My only solution is if he says yes he wants to come, we go away the following weekend with DSS so he still feels like he's getting a weekend away. It's completely nuts.
Left up to me I'd say nope he's not coming end of story. But he's not my child !!!!

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