AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

My slimmest friend (not skinny but slim and fit) adores food and orders the most indulgent thing on the menu when we go out. She always has dessert and relishes every bite. She is absolutely my favourite person to go to dinner with. I do have friends who will agonize over every calorie and I hate eating out with them. It makes me a bit rebellious and want to order everything deep fried!

I think having/not having a starter as a group decision is reasonable and I've done that sometimes even if I've wanted one, to avoid keeping others waiting. But I'll order whatever main course and pudding I like!

Fortunately my friends are not like this - sounds miserable!

That is so sad that people are losing the ability to enjoy food. Love meals out with my friends which involves lots of food and laughter with no one minding. I can easily imagine that sort of behaviour happening though where I live (London/Surrey)!

You need new friends!

No I don’t eat the biscuits either. I have to be honest even though I don’t really know why. I’m not a massive biscuit person to be honest, but the next situation will be, I have other friends coming one morning next week. Normally I would make banana bread or something (which I love) but I’m thinking what’s the point? All they’ll do is nibble a few strawberries.

I like alllll the food. My friends enjoy food too. I. would have no problem in your position bucking that trend and getting a large steak and chips, and enjoying every bite. Maybe next time order first and get what you enjoy? Hopefully it will give your friends the confidence to do the same.

No way! We just have a fantastic pig out. Ffs eat a salad on a night out??? No way!

Are they ladies who lunch types? It strikes me they have eating disorders. Am I right?

That sounds awful. Why would you go along with this and socialise with people like this? Joyless

Haha, my friends are competitive OVER eaters! Think for a Chinese meal, one person would order two starters, sweet and sour chicken balls and a separate curry, chips, fried rice AND noodles plus prawn crackers!

I’ve got Coeliac Disease so quite often the only option I’m allowed is a salad of some sort and also sometimes it’s just what I fancy.

I have noticed that some people seem to feel a need to watch what other people are eating or drinking and copy them - I don’t feel that need at all! For example, I’m teetotal and when someone says “what are you drinking?” and I order a soft drink, I often notice them looking disappointed so I’ll add “I don’t drink alcohol but please don’t feel you can’t have a tipple! Have whatever you fancy.” and they still won’t order anything and a good few times they’ve moaned and said “I don’t feel comfortable drinking when you aren’t!” even when I’ve said that I don’t want them to feel they have to miss out because of my personal preference. I don’t know what more else I can do and as I said don’t get the need for others to seek approval over what they should eat or drink. Just have what you bloody fancy!

It’s practically competitive eating. Just a bit attention seeking really.

I’d say lead the way and eat the fries, grab a biscuit or a slice of banana bread. Don’t follow the others!!

You and your friends are choosing to act this way! So if you don’t like it then stop perpetuating it! Only choose salad if you genuinely want salad!

My friends and I don’t do this shit! We do the “pause to see if the others wants dessert” thing but only because we’re often too full for it after enjoying a nice main course!

No I don’t think anyone has an eating disorder at all. But if there’s chips in the middle of the table, nobody feels as if they can go for it. I used to think it was that thing, where it’s polite not to go first, but I think it’s something more than that.

Check out the Abilene paradox. Describes it perfectly (and many many other situations!).

I'm at the stage in my life where I order exactly what I please and sod everyone else. There will be none of this "I won't bother, but can I have a taste of yours?" either. Fuck off. I don't share puddings or chips...

You have weird friends, lol.

Oh I didn't know this was a thing but I definitely see this!!! Just two people, we are good friends, they are both quite overweight, I don't eat loads and I've realised that if I don't order cake or crisps or whatever with drinks then they don't but I know they would if I did!

What did you eat?

Literally never known this with either friends or work colleagues. We must all be pigs!

I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads

So you do this too. What would happen if you said you were going for the pasta or steak etc and didn’t follow suit.

Not with food but I have been in a group where someone mentioned a mutual friend getting married and everyone was making comments about how happy the friend was and other banal comments.
I chimed in with “Anyone else wonder what the Hell she is doing with him”
We had all met stbh.

It was like the floodgates opening. With OMG I thought I was the only person who thought he was a complete prick and hasn’t she realised what he is like.

Just in case people think we were all being bitchy people did ask friend to reconsider but she went ahead with the marriage. It lasted 1 day.

It happens with me. I often fancy things people mention. I also love salads.

I also love crab and completely changed my mind about my order last night when a friend mentioned their choice.

Haha no never happened to me.
I usually ask if anybody is having a starter because I always fancy one. Same for dessert. And the main is never a salad

We compete to see who can eat the most onion rings......

Sounds like a waste of time and money if you aren't ordering proper food

Why do you care? I love salad and when out with a group of friends the other night I ordered a roasted cauliflower salad. No one cared or mentioned it. I’m not competitively no eating, I don’t have a big appetite and eat salads a lot.

“The Abilene paradox is a paradox in which a group of people collectively decide on a course of action that is counter to the preferences of any of the individuals in the group”

Yes Chesntoots - that’s about the upshot of it.

It doesn’t seem to take hold when wine or cocktails are involved though.