AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

If someone says they just want a salad I still go ahead and order what I want. Chips and all. I know the friends who do this to do the virtue thing but think let them do what makes them happy - but I want cake!

I often have a salad myself as I'm vegan and sometimes the vegan salad option is lovely.... but I have chips with it!

Is it always the same person that decides she's 'only having a salad or soup' ?

I have some friends who are a bit like this, but it isn’t virtue signalling, they just constantly watch what they eat and prioritise the things they really like (like wine and cocktails) over a more substantial meal. Another friend prioritises pudding over alcohol when it comes to calories and often just drinks soda water rather than cocktails then has pudding while the others are drinking mint tea.

None of them would consider themselves to be on diets, they’d just consider themselves to be careful about what they eat.

This reminds me of the scene in Gavin and Stacey where Smithy orders a salad and everyone looks shocked and exchange looks then he shouts "only joking I'm having the steak!" And everyone pisses themselves laughing

Sounds like the women from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!

This happens when I go for dinner with the women in my husband's family (girl's night ) It's like the depravation Olympics, who can eat the least and be Absolutely STUFFED!
When I go for dinner with my real friends, everyone eats and drinks what they like, no virtue signalling. No-one has anything to prove.
Thankfully the in-law dinner is usually only once a year. Kind of like a work Christmas dinner that it's rude to miss.

I always thought that this sort of thing didn't actually happen but was invented by male sitcom writers who think that women are silly cunts obsessed with calories. I'm kind of used to people being 'weird' about food because I have quite a few friends who are vegans or have food allergies, so any group meals out involve checking that there's something available for everyone at the chosen restaurant. But the main thing about mixing with people who have a range of dietary issues is that people don't bitch at each other's choices. But then maybe my friends are just nicer than some other people...

I used to work with people who waffles on about being "naughty" by having biscuits. "I think I'll have a naughty biscuit". Just STFU Janet and have 5 if you want!

I can hardly believe one of your friends, in a moment of weakness, ordered some chips to pep up her salad, but not even for herself... “for the table”. Then you all refused to make the first step and actually eat one... so they got thrown in the bin.

I’d say you all have food issues. Sounds like there’s a huge unspoken culture in your friendship of competitive under-eating, so much so you’re too scared to eat a chip for fear of what they might say/think about you behind your back.

That’s grim.

Christ do you and your friends share a hive mind like something out of Village of the Damned?! Just get what you want!

I do have one friend who stresses me out if we’re in somewhere like Pret. She stands there for about 10 minutes agonising over what to have, complaining that they no longer make a “slim sandwich” ie. half a sandwich in a box. Then she asks if I want to share a sandwich. If I get a soup, she gets a side soup and no bread and I do worry about her tbh.
But as for the rest of them, it’s more an unspoken social convention, more than an eating disorder, I would say. I always feel like I should offer cake or something when people come over, but I can’t be bothered any more because nobody wants to be seen to eat it. Except when DH’s sports team come over it’s the total opposite extreme and I noticed this very starkly today because they ate the whole kedgeree and there was nothing left for the kids.

No! Me and my friends love food!

Very odd. This doesn't happen in my world.

Literally never come across this. My friends eat whatever they want.

Having said that, I often order salads when I go out because at home there's no time to make more than the most basic bit of lettuce on a plate. A big chicken or goats cheese salad is brilliant.

Are they all notably slim and trying to preserve that, or overweight and permanently on a diet?

Do you live in an area that’s particularly looks oriented?

I think it’s a shame that some women feel compelled to subject themselves to this absolute bull-shit.

Not with me and my friends 🤣 we usually share a dessert between us if there’s two of us or a few of there is more. But that’s cause we all get starters and mains, proper mains with carbs and meat and fattening sauces otherwise known as delicious food! We get sides and many a cocktail too, proper pigs but why not? Going out for a meal is a treat so we treat ourselves with lovely food.

God, I hate this. Nothing more boring than eating out with someone who’s ‘watching their weight’, especially if they then talk about diets and syns and calories. My MIL, who is otherwise lovely, is like this. Eat a freaking dessert, Eileen, it’s not like you eat out every day!

Agonising over food like that is often a sign of an eating disorder, ime.

Nope when my friends come the cheese and crackers all go along with the Crisps, meat and chocolate nibbly bits I make and usually the wine if we're not pregnant or breastfeeding we seem to synchronise that somehow. When I go to theirs I sit myself in front of the brie and don't move until its gone

That's fucking weird. Why even bother going out for a meal? Just go to a bar for the cocktails.

This is very weird.
You sound as bad as each other.

I'm a grown up and order what I want to eat - then I eat it.

The only time I vary is if we all agree Starters/Main or Main/Pudding

I wouldn’t say anyone is overweight at all, no. This is West - SW London. I don’t think anyone is particularly insecure about their looks because I think you’re past that at 40, although I do suspect, by this stage, most of us have had minor Botox or similar, but very subtle.

I honestly could not be wasting my time with people like this. Life is too short. If you’re going out for food - enjoy it.

I eat salad out all of the time..I like them .why don't you just order what you want op?