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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

462 replies

Mazes · 02/03/2019 16:16

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 03/03/2019 15:11

Mazes. So your friend calls herself a ’nutritionist’? Means absolutely nothing. Anyone can call themselves this. Obviously, from what you say about her disordered eating she knows zilch. I would hazard a guess that she also sells useless supplements to others? I bet at least that she gives others endless, unwanted advice. Hopefully she doesn’t charge for this but maybe she does. People like this are worrying.

Motoko · 03/03/2019 15:14

Hmm, her diet doesn't sound that nutritious to me.

"Good" and "bad" foods have never featured in my life. I eat what I want, when I want, and have always been slim. I did put on some weight during my late 30s/early 40s, but was still in my right weight range for my height and build.

However, I didn't snack very often (unless there's some cake), and didn't eat massive portions. I also don't eat meat.

My appetite has decreased massively since I got cancer, though, and now I can rarely eat a full meal, so have to miss out on starters and desserts if eating out, or have a starter as my main, and then I can usually manage some dessert. I've lost the weight I gained.

It's really annoying that I can't enjoy food as much as I used to, and I just can't imagine living like this by choice, it's joyless.

Original poster
Mazes · 03/03/2019 15:20

The group in the OP were another set of friends from one of the schools who I've known for about 5 years. The ones who couldn’t really eat the fat free muffins are from uni, so way back. But in all the groups of friends or individuals I see regularly or semi-regularly, this is how it goes. Yet nobody actually has an eating disorder diagnosis or would think they were unusual at all. I do a lot of yoga and Pilates and the green smoothie thing, as mentioned about, with allsorts in it is very prevalent among that set. I admit I’ve done “3-day veg juice detoxes” myself. Somebody at yoga put me in touch with a company who bring it to you and you put all the bottles in the fridge and I got a discount. The company is doing very well with this. The hardest thing is the caffeine withdrawal tbh, this is why it’s not something I would do lightly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mazes · 03/03/2019 15:23

Motoko - I’m sorry to hear that and I realise this is all crazy.

To be honest and I don’t mean to be rude about my friend, but she hasn’t looked well since she qualified as a nutritional therapist.

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 03/03/2019 15:34

Me and my best friend met for lunch during half term. We both looked at menu and she said she was going to get the 'dirty fries'.
She then went up and ordered.
I went up and nearly ordered the soup but didn't want to make her look like a greedy bastard Grin so got the dirty fries too.

Then I got back and she said she'd gone for the soup Shock

But luckily neither of us give a shit and she gave half her soup to her kids anyway. So we shared some of the chips and in any case I am quite happy anytime we meet to tell her I'm having chips!

Some women do seem competitive about food and diet but luckily none of my friends are and I'm happy to do my own thing regardless of what everyone else is eating.
If I want salad, I'll have salad. If I want burger and cheesey chips it doesn't matter what everyone else it getting.
I've also found if I tell everyone I'm getting a pudding nearly everyone else will too! Cake

Not quite sure what the point of this story is but your OP slightly reminded me of this situation. Blush

Ce7913 · 03/03/2019 15:36

It's common for those with disordered relationships with food to be attracted to the profession - I'd say being a nutritionist represents control over food for them, as well as enabling them make a career out of their obsession.

The coconut cream thing could not be any less true, btw, in case you were giving it any credence at all.

LuckyLou7 · 03/03/2019 15:41

Are you sure your nutritionist friend puts coconut milk in her morning drink or coconut oil? I've heard of bulletproof coffee and lots of people swear by it as a means of losing weight, it's part of the keto diet.

Original poster
Mazes · 03/03/2019 15:50

I thought she said coconut milk, but maybe she meant oil. She must be a size zero so it’s sad if she’s doing it to lose weight.

OP posts:
ArkAtEee · 03/03/2019 15:52

I know what you mean, OP. This brings back memories of a hen do ages ago - we went to an activity, then at (late) lunchtime, I kind of had to eat because I'm diabetic and my insulin regime was less flexible in those days. The other 9 ladies all insisted they weren't hungry (this was 6-7 hours after we'd all had a light breakfast Hmm) so I had to go off on my own to get some food.

Is it virtue signalling, competitiveness, pecking order..? I don't know. I don't like it though and I try to surround myself with fellow munchers these days.

Motoko · 03/03/2019 15:53

These people should read The Angry Chef's blog and book. He uses science to debunk all these fad diets. The only time people should cut out whole food groups, is under medical advice and supervision.

So many women in 30 years time, will end up with at least osteoporosis.

ooooohbetty · 03/03/2019 16:54

I have one friend who always orders a salad because she loves salad. Rest of us eat what we want as well. Burgers, pizza, steak, chips etc. Your friends sound really childish.

thenorthernluce · 03/03/2019 17:21

This reminds me of a lunch break at work when we were joined by our gorgeous, skinny colleague, who rarely eats in a group. We all bring in our lunches or pop out to get food and eat together. Lots of us eat leftovers from the previous nights dinner, so our lunches can be quite substantial, but most of us are pretty healthy in what we eat, but not starvation rations by any stretch.

The colleague who doesn’t normally eat with us had a packet of prosciutto and a packet of cherry tomatoes on the vine. She proceeded to eat two slices of prosciutto and a few tomatoes, then sat back and loudly proclaimed, “oh, I’m just so full of tomatoes and ham”, and patted her flat stomach. The rest of us were like 😯. I kind of felt sorry for her, to be honest, as I can’t imagine living a life of deprivation to stay skinny.

moon2 · 03/03/2019 17:25

I notice this all the time, but life’s too short and I’d pass out if I didn’t have a hot meaty meal. I just dig in with gusto when I remember to stop talking and eat! Wear stretchy jeggings and a loose top lol

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/03/2019 17:27

Years ago we were in a chain restaurant, something like a Berni Inn type place.

A big family walked in and were seated next to us.

Everyone had a menu and were discussing their options.

When every one had decided the Matriarch announced she was having the fish and chips and so would everyone else as it was simpler that way.

The looks on some of their faces was priceless.

NicolaC17 · 03/03/2019 17:28

I eat whatever I want and so do my friends - this isn’t normal or healthy unless they are on a diet and if so they could just tell you.

Lellikelly26 · 03/03/2019 17:29

OP I suffer with this issue. My sister and SIL and some friends do the competitive non eating thing and are very thin. I’m the fat one at a size 12. Tbh it makes me want to stuff my face more as a rebellion 😁
But on the other hand we are becoming an obese nation so a little self control can’t be a bad thing

MadameDD · 03/03/2019 17:35

This never happens with me and my friends - in our mid to late 40's - we go for whatever we want - a lot of the time it is burgers, but a friend recovering from a stroke and who has to watch salt intake etc is healthier in what she eats but certainly isn't a salad woman.

Have what you want.

Last week meeting a friend for dinner after work I had steak fajitas and also chips with mayo for starter which we both shared.

She had a burger.

bullyingadvice2017 · 03/03/2019 17:36

I'd have eaten alll the chips. If I could get in befor anyone else did

Mmest75 · 03/03/2019 17:39

That’s sad if you feel like you can’t have what you want ...!

ToftyAC · 03/03/2019 17:49

Bollocks to those shenanigans! Bring on the chips 🍟 and steak 🥩

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2019 17:51

These friends sound exhausting, Mazes, I wouldn't eat with them. I order what I want - if it's a salad then it's just what I fancy, if it's steak and chips then so be it - with Béarnaise sauce!

Can I have your banana/Greek yoghurt muffin recipe though please? Grin

annoyedofnorwich · 03/03/2019 17:51

Are they all alcoholics and saving their self-alloted allowed calories for alcohol?

DownstairsMixUp · 03/03/2019 17:52

Er no. Me and my best friend will order everything and don't give a shit. Half of our friendship is about eating nice food out and drinking

Andylion · 03/03/2019 17:54

*I have some friends who are a bit like this, but it isn’t virtue signalling, they just constantly watch what they eat and prioritise the things they really like (like wine and cocktails) over a more substantial meal. Another friend prioritises pudding over alcohol when it comes to calories and often just drinks soda water rather than cocktails then has pudding while the others are drinking mint tea.

None of them would consider themselves to be on diets, they’d just consider themselves to be careful about what they eat.*

^^This.
A lot of posters are countering the "competitive under-eating" with claims of the opposite and acting as if they are better people because of it. Joyless? Hmm Maybe these friends go out for dinner not to stuff their faces, but to enjoy each other's company?

(Yes, I specifically used judgmental language to describe them eating what they want to make a point. I never order a salad either and have dessert when it sounds really good.)

My friends and I order what we want. if one of them orders a salad, that's great, as long as we can talk and catch up, who cares?

Groovee · 03/03/2019 17:55

Never happens with me! I order what I want x