AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

I am on a diet, so might choose the healthiest option so I can drink more.

Also it depends on the restaurant. Sometimes the salad is the only chance of a balanced meal which contains vegetables.

Doesn’t matter two hoots what you order yourself it’s the mimsy virtue signalling shaming of sticky toffee pudding orderers that gets on everyone’s nerves.

Last time we saw in laws we met in a pub for Sunday lunch and mil repeatedly food shamed my 10 and 12 year old (both slim) dds. “Ohhh an adult portion!” “You surely won’t eat all that” “a pudding too” on and on. Deeply annoying

That is annoying. Tell them they need an adult amount of calories - at least 1800 a day is recommended for their age.

*SoyDora

My mum often says ‘ooh I couldn’t possibly eat all that’, maybe it’s a generational thing.*

There is a pervasive notion in many cultures that it's not 'ladylike' to have an appetite, much less a large one.

Also annoying is when someone shames you for ordering a salad or for not drinking. It happens that way round as well.

Oh but saying that, there is definitely a culture of 'sharing' among many women. At work there's a lot of 'who wants to share a biscuit' or 'I can't eat all of this sandwich who wants half'. Same at dinner with sharing desserts. Which I do sometimes as not got much of a sweet tooth but fancy a bite. I don't do it for show!

Not here either and even if everyone else did order a salad I’d still have what I wanted, I’m not paying restaurant prices for that shit.

Flori thanks for that info we are seeing them in a few days and will say that if she starts that again. What pissed us off was she kept going on and on about it - not a one off comment. Dds were baffled as we nor my family or our friends ever speak like that about food in front of pre teen girls. Plus it was their main meal of the day and both sporty.

I was in a book club - all women and we hosted meetings at our homes. The rule was that the host provided drinks (wine) and nibbles.

I was surprised that the wine was enjoyed but nobody ate the nibbles. Even when they weren't particularly fattening and even though we tried a variety of things - olives, cashews, grapes etc. If I ate some, someone else might eat one in sympathy.

Every meeting, the obligatory nibbles came out, and later on most of them were put away. I assume people bought stuff that their partners liked so the nibbles were devoured by them afterwards.

No nibbles when our book club has finished nor wine for that matter

Nope. When I go out with friends we order what we want and often have pudding too.
In fact sometimes if we go out just for a chat and not 'dinner' we'll have just a drink and a pudding!

No way! I love food and I love eating out. There's no way I'm not ordering what I want. There might be a collective decision made if we are having starters or not due to keeping costs down, or if we are in a rush but generally its order what you want. Even if one of my friends said they'd 'just' have the salad, I wouldn't see that as a sign that I had to follow suit. I am often the one who says they are having dessert too. Sometimes others will do the same, or others might have another drink or a coffee so I put that down to being full. I just carry on with my dessert and make sure I've covered what I've had when it comes to splitting the bill.

What would happen if you said
I’m having the steak pie and chips first.

Would everyone follow

Ha I live in SW London & know what you mean. I used to work in fashion & whilst there were a couple on the cigarettes & diet coke diet & a few with EDs, a lot of us ate “normally”, I love food.
Some of DHs friends wives do the whole “ I can’t eat that huge potato”, “I’m so full up” or “I can’t possibly eat all that cake”. I don’t understand, they are educated women with professional jobs & I don’t know any man that lists a dainty appetite as a must-have.

I’ve also noticed at school parties that a lot of mums just don’t eat anything so I try & restrain as I don’t want to look greedy.

However when eating out with my actual friends there’s no judgement & if someone wants a salad cause they are on a diet there’s no pressure.

I used to live in sw London and this doesn't surprise me. It's sounds like hard fucking work. Eating out for me is supposed to be fun. I couldn't be arsed with this. Order something quite hearty next time and see what they do. You can just lead by example here. But tbh I'd be questioning my friendship choices.

I have experienced this, I don't perpetuate it though.
If I'm going out for a meal, I want something that I wouldn't necessarily have at home and I don't want to come away feeling like I've settled for something I didn't particularly want. What's the point.

I have two friends who I regularly go out for meals with, usually Thai or greek. One of them always says "ooh shall we share a dish, then just have noodles?". Er I might share 1 dish between two of us, but not three! We will then order a dish each, plus noodles and a side or two to share. She will eat a very small portion and declare herself full. Whilst myself and the other friend continue to eat she will pick at bits off her plate until it's all gone

I don’t understand, they are educated women with professional jobs & I don’t know any man that lists a dainty appetite as a must-have.

Yeah but quite a number would list fit body as a must-have given the chance, hence the fear and self-denial.

Are you American?

This doesn't happen with my friends at all!! Are you all real skinny Minnie's?

I only experienced this after I left London and moved to a village. It regularly happened at baby and toddler groups where there was cake, and also on the two occasions I went for a meal with a group of other mothers from DS’s class. I have to say I perceived (possibly wrongly) a relationship between this kind of competitive under-eating and a comparative lack of intelligence, a gossipy, small-scale environment, and social conformity.

Years ago I was sat in the canteen reading my book when a large crowed from the fashion buying office came to sit near me. I was annoyed as I wanted to read my book in peace and there were plenty of other tables but I stayed when the conversation started to get competitive. Went a bit like this:

Person 1: Had a lovely Sunday roast yesterday, chicken, did anyone else have a roast?
Person 2: I can't eat a roast anymore, too filling. I only ate salads all weekend.
Person 3: I only ate lunch yesterday and the day before. I can't abide big meals.
Person 4: I didn't eat anything yesterday, I simply wasn't hungry.

It really got so ridiculous I had a hard time stifling my laughter.

This happens with some of my friends. They are the type who frequently sign up for marathons. And yes it's bloody irritating.

Having said that, the friends who bang on about going to church on a Sunday just so they can get their kids into what they consider to be a superior school (it isn't) to mine are far more annoying! At least the others are just trying to be healthy!!

(Completely misses point of thread - sorry!)