AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

I don't think it matters whether you eat meat op. I'd assume from your post that you were all either very thin or ashamed of your bodies. I don't mean to sound harsh.

I'm sorry for the poor cows, and I do understand that it can be difficult if you've been heavily socialised to be a Proper Woman ie self-denying, humble, obedient and obsessed with being 'pretty'. And, while some women police each other over food, it's often because they are scared of being harassed or mocked by total strangers for eating anything in public (remember the Women Who Eat On Tubes nonsense? That was all about the misogyny But, at the same time, the more of us who refuse to buy into this shit, the better. Some years ago, I was having a pub lunch with a couple of female friends - we were all having fry-ups - and some random bloke made a comment about 'off the diet this week, are we?' I think what I said, with my best friendly smile, was along the lines of 'What on earth makes you think our lunch is any business of yours?'...

If I go for lunch with a female friend, it’s the full 3 courses! Waste of a good chef otherwise. I’ll usually feel too stuffed to eat dinner that night, so just have some cheese and crackers before bed, but I certainly do justice to the lunch. Still in the healthy weight range, in my sixties, despite hearty lunches. There’s no need for this “picking at a lettuce leaf” nonsense - it’s all just competitive, as PPs have said.

Do you bump into each other at the chippies' on the way home?

@Coffeeisnecessary

That is why I have such a problem with this. I can generally only eat one full course. I’m not a fan of desserts and if I have a starter I can’t enjoy my main meal. Whenever I’m out and refuse starters or desserts people will comment “oh Yabbers is being so good” despite the fact I’d never order a salad unless it’s on the side. I’m not “being good” I just don’t enjoy more than one course. But no amount of explaining that will suffice and they will bleat on about how good I’m being. If I were good I wouldn’t be the size I am 😂

Hear, hear Reanimated. Sometimes eating chips can be a feminist act.

I’ve sefinitely been to meals like this. I hate it. That might be part of why I don’t have many friends.

Nope, we eat what we want with no judgement! In fact I probably gorge more with friends tbh!

I don't care if everybody orders a salad. I'll order the biggest platter on the menu and eat it in front of them. If I go out to eat, I want to EAT.

I'm sorry for the poor cows, and I do understand that it can be difficult if you've been heavily socialised to be a Proper Woman ie self-denying, humble, obedient and obsessed with being 'pretty'.

Maybe. Or they may just be being sensible about their weight and want to stay healthy and mobile long into old age without giving up the things that matter the most to them. After all, if they're having the cocktails and wine they can't be that self-denying. Since most restaurant portions are sized more for men who, on average, are larger and have faster metabolisms, women will tend to need fewer meals/courses/whatever than men will. Some women will recognise this and adjust what they consume to match their own needs and priorities, for some of them this will mean eating less at the restaurant, other might eat less elsewhere if they like the restaurant food.

Nope - we all ordered what we wanted when I was 15, 21 and 29 (now) whether mixed age and gender or same.
If someone ordered just a salad I'd be thinking fair enough, but make my own hefty order.

The only time I have eaten light is if I am going on a night out and don't wish to feel sluggish and sleepy. Other than that I love my grub and have been known to finish off other peoples food

I kind of get it. With my friends I feel like I’m letting the side down if I don’t have a pudding, almost as if I don’t have one that means they’re greedy to have one.
Sometimes I order pudding because I can tell they really want one, and if I don’t they won’t either (but they’ll be disappointed)
Weird huh

Another one for nope! And sometimes we even have a starter 😁

I love nice salads with lots of interesting ingredients, as well as loving steak and and desserts and wine and cheese.

Plenty of salads in restaurants are heartily delicious - generous with the cheese and meat and dressings. I'd be far more likely to choose this at a lunch meet up than dinner, though.

Definitely agree there is a culture for self deprivation, it's misogynistic as fuck - but feel the need to stick up for salads a bit as they don't just have to consist of leaves and a flavourless tomato!

You need new friends op! That definitely doesn’t happen with my friends!

It was like that (a bit) when I lived in London or Surrey, among a certain type.

It's not like that where I live now 😆

Why don't you just order and eat some chips?
I know a few people like this. I don't let it dictate what I eat.

I think you need new friends - just joking! Last few meals my friends and I have eaten include: fish and chips, burgers, risotto, pasta, gnocchi and then some have ordered salad, if they felt so inclined. They sound as though they need to relax, TBH.

This is definitely a thing with my school mum acquaintances: almost all thin. At meals out almost everyone orders salad, and if socialising at someone’s house almost no one eats any crisps, biscuits or cake the host provides . IMO it’s just part of the constant weight watching.

I’m in London commuterbelt: London (nappy valley area) was even more like it.

Get new friends. Just today I was talking about going for burgers and cocktails with friends.

Deffo doesn't happen with my friends. You all have issues around food clearly and obviously aren't that close.

I'd stab my best friend in the hand with my fork for the last slice of pizza or chip, and she would do the same 😂😁 as would all of our other friends.

I've spent most of my life observing human behaviour and love watching and playing about with whole social psychology stuff.

I'm not someone that keeps female company and generally speaking, I'm an unsociable cow, hate anything like formal gatherings, meals and evenings out / weddings - anything that generates a group of people to start rolling out false pleasantries and puts nearly everyone else feeling awkward about. I'm perfectly happy being the weirdo that gives other people something to focus on and talk about but it's surprising how few seem able to separate from the norm

My kids were interested in social psychology particular the bystander effect and did a lot of playing about with experiments of their own in college.

No matter which way you look at it, how it might offend or upset some people there is no disputing that women were the worst for making other women feel self-concious and uneasy and more often than not it involved food choices, clothing and being seen to steer or side with the more popular choices regardless of how it made them feel.

I used to work and train staff in the safeguarding of vulnerable adults and used role play to emphasise the way human psychology can have a huge effect with it only needing the one person to keep everyone else from flagging up concerns. Likewise it only takes the one person to speak up and usually they generate far bigger support and instil confidence in everyone else as well.

Human behaviour is such a weird thing but kicking back and watching people in normal everyday life is one of my favourite past times

No way would I do this! Wouldn't even think about what others are eating, or how what I'm eating would look to others