AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

Sounds like a dinner with 'The' Real' Housewives'.

That sounds really odd and you are all in your 40s?
Are you part of he Real Housewives of Cheshire by any chance?

Not with me or most of my friends but I do have some friends and work colleagues who barely eat. They're very thin. I think it's a kind of eating disorder (I say that as an ex anorexic). I feel sad that they feel like this in their forties but it's a very difficult subject to broach. They're not unwell thin but do look a little frail in my opinion and psychologically I think it is a damaging obsession.

That’s so weird. I have no friends like this. Are you on the real housewives op?

I live in SW London, and I've noticed there is huge peer pressure and a need to conform amongst the mums.

Do you fear being judged by them if you were to eat something 'bad'? Because I would question whether they are actual friends, or you're just moving in one of those social circles where everyone just does what they think they're expected to do. It's not genuine.

OP why are you worrying about what they are eating? Does it really matter to you? Why don’t you try just ordering and eating what you want? Why don’t you try ordering first? See how that plays out.

I couldn't deal with people who are like that. I love food, and that may well include salad sometimes. But not ALL the time.

This is definitely not a thing amongst my friends. There are one or two like that, but they have an eating disorder, or are semi-recovered from one (i.e. healthy weight but eat a very rigid diet).

The word ‘just’ is a guilt trigger for all of you. You’re assuming you’ll be judged if you don’t toe the healthy line.

I will be your friend, I fucking love food

Actually my MIL is like this... she orders a salad and then doesn’t eat it! No starter. No desert. Also she made an comment about me eating chocolate digestives whilst I was famished on moving day. We were moving house! I was hungry and tired and moving boxes! And 36 weeks pregnant!

I have this with one set of friends. Who can eat less at a meal seems to be a completion. They then go on about how concerned they are about another’s weight loss. Fortunately, it’s now got to point where they only meet for drinks not meals

I'm in London too OP. Let's go and have a blow-out somewhere like Putney - Pizza red wine and pudding on me! 😁

Yes this has happened to me at a women’s neighborhood party. We all brought food galore and when we sat down to ‘eat’ no one ate a thing except maybe some salad and fruit. I was so hungry as everything looked amazing but didn’t take anything because I would have been the only one.

This was a neighborhood of new money ‘Stepford Wives’ division. Where I live now (thankfully) we don’t do anything of the sort and if we did everyone would eat. So glad we moved from that fresh hell!

Nope ...i'm in my late 40's and like fuck this would happen in our group. We are our own people and if we want chips then we will have chips. I and many of my friends have gone beyond the phase of giving a crap what others think. And as far as I am concerned if my friends judged me for the food I was eating then they would be kicked to the curb fairly fast

You'll enjoy it so much more if you can work out what YOU really want, and then ask for it. (A rule which I think is generally applicable to life, and not always the obvious course of action for socially conditioned women, me included)

It's perfectly normal to eat more, less or different choices than others in a restaurant. Half the point of a restaurant is that you get a choice (unlike the family dinner table). Only consideration might be if one person wants quick single course and the other wants to take their time through three + coffee.

I thought the more usual thing was for one person to say they're just having a salad - and then proceed to pinch everyone else's chips.

No i like proper food. Preferably with cheese. Probably a pudding and a starter if I've room and/or no dc getting too tired...

Thanks for all the responses and apologies if I sound like a lunatic. This was just something that struck me today.

The thing is, they are actually all lovely people that I met through one if the schools some years back and we just hit it off. I don’t think anyone is a gym fanatic type st all. Nobody is on Instagram or anything like that -were too old But I am tired of when people come for afternoon tea, for instance, and only the DHs eat any scones or cakes. This does annoy me and I would say it’s very noticeable indeed. I don’t think I have issues around food. I am vegetarian, but it’s been that way since I was about 12. Occasionally I’ll do a juice-fast for a few days, but no more than that. Definitely not The Housewives if Cheshire - or anywhere else . But this does seem to be all around.

My groups of friends definitely do not do this, but the women I used to work with were like this, and frequently commented on how much I ate for lunch compared to their piddly little salads. I know my mum and her friends behave like this too. It is very odd behaviour, but I couldn’t get drawn in to it, because I like my food, and wouldn’t have a salad just because everyone else is. Break the mould OP!

I was at an airport with friends recently. We streamed to eat there between check in and boarding . They all ordered meals and I fancied a starter and a plate of fries - purely as there was only limited veggie options - mine came and the fries were put in the centre of the table... I finished my tiny starter, reached for my fries and the other three ( one woman and two men) had all but eaten them all ! And they were eating their own dinners too . Ironically, out of them all - I look to be the fattest one !!

Streamed ? - arranged !

I would want people to be able to got put for dinner and eat different things and for it not to matter. But sometimes people are weird. In that situation I would just order what I want. I have no time for starvation rations. I love salad, but I hate tiny salads, - I like food! Ordered chicken caesar on Thursday but had a side of seep fried macaroni. Colleague rolled his eyes at the salad, but I genuinely didn't care. It's what I felt like eating.

Got put= go out

OP, what would happen if the next time they came for tea, instead of offering biscuits/scones etc, you just put out a jug of room temperature water?

What do you think would happen if you ordered something other than soup or salad, or ate one of the cakes or biscuits you put out for guests? Would others follow your lead?

I have never come across this, and it seems very strange to me. I can’t understand why anyone would give a monkeys what anyone else eats...

The only friend I have who puts biscuits or cake out for guests and doesn’t have one herself has an eating disorder.