AIBU - Weird subconscious behaviour when women are out for dinner together - AIBU?

[Mazes]

I was out for dinner yesterday evening with four female friends (were all early 40s). No problem whatsoever with ordering the cocktails, but when it came to ordering from the food menu, one friend chimed in first with the, “I’m just going to go for a salad” and, as always happens, everyone else followed suit with the salads. Does anyone else find this or is it just me? One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away. I’m not on a diet and nor is anyone else as far as I can tell so why does this happen? Then when it came to dessert orders, there was an uncomfortable silence before everyone declined, of course. Then we had a pot of mint tea. Nobody ate the bread either. It was my turn to pay and I felt like the actual “food” part of the menu was there for decoration only.
AIBU to think this kind of behaviour goes on a lot without women even realising they’re doing it? It’s as if it’s fine to knock back 3 cocktails, but nobody eats a chip!

Never known this myself. You need to take the lead.. make the first move and order the steak, eat the bread and the chips!

It is true people like to fit in, but usually would be what are you having?
The first one sets the tone, sounds like yours is desperate to starve.I had a friend who was always on weight watchers, addicted to fizzy diet drinks and now got osteoporosis.
What example are these women giving their growing daughters? (& increasingly sons, adult men don't do this) healthy eating it's not.

I have a few groups of friends like this, although it's not just salads. One will be avoiding gluten, two will be (newly) vegan, one is doing slimming world, one has always had the appetite of a flea, one thinks sugar is the devil... Nobody will order dessert, everyone will comment how they have gone off sweet food and don't miss it at all...

I LOVE eating with my family. When we hit a restaurant, we hit it hard. No course is shunned, and no section of the menu escapes unscathed.

"One friend did ask for some fries “for the table” but then everybody just looked at them until they got taken away."

How ridiculous you all sound.

I would ask what people are having, but only to make sure that I wasn't the only one having a starter, making them all wait around for their food.

I hate it when you have children with you, all starving, and one person decides they want a starter. Then all the adults and children have to wait..

I have asked waiters to bring the main courses out at the same time in that situation.

It's different deciding against a starter/dessert/coffee because no one else is having one - that's about not making other people wait for you. Also, if you know the bill's going to be split equally, it's a bit off (see many other MN threads about CFs) to order the most expensive things and lots of extras. But the idea that women should eat very little and be more concerned about being thin than about enjoying themselves is misogyny in action, and it's sad when women buy into it to the extent that they will not only do performative martyrdom over their own food, but will snipe and sneer at other women who are resisting the bullshit and eating what they want.

ha, you should become mates with me if you want to eat lol. When me and my friends go out we order different things to share and we eat all of it. We are also not shy to get it packed if there are leftovers. Why waste perfectly good food and leave it go to bin?

Sounds odd.
There are starving people in the world and just for the sake of awkwardness no one are the fries and they went in the bin.
Get new friends or just eat the chips!!!
Have a look at the kids in Yemen if you wanna see people without food.

I love salads and I also love the fattening dressings so it's not a health thing for me. I also never order a dessert, just don't have that sweet tooth.

I never order a salad while out, they always seem like such poor value. I order what sounds tastiest and don't give a fuck what anyone else has. Last time we all ordered either pasta or pizza.

I went out with a group of women I used to work with who were like this. It was a thoroughly depressing evening and I never went out for a meal with them ever again!

I can go one better than that!

When I started at an old job, I was invited for a meal before my official start date. It was a team of 6 women.

When we arrived at the restaurant, my soon to be boss proceeded to order for everybody I didn’t say anything because I was trying to make an impression at that point and nobody else batted an eyelid so I assumed I was the weird one. I was mildly pissed off that I didn’t get to eat the food I’d picked out from the menu though...

A few months later - another meal out - boss again decides to order starters for everyone. I’d had enough at that point and told the waitress what I wanted. Everyone around the table was horrified. You’d think I’d grown a second head!

It turned out to be a very toxic office environment. All the women brown nosed the boss and bitched about the other women behind their backs to score points. Boss was a narcissist who wanted friends over employees.

I was constantly called “odd” and “different” for not wanting to have food ordered for me

Thank god I left. Most of my friends are male so we have no problems ordering ridiculous quantities of food and wine and having a general pig out

I've eaten the fries AND the bread THEN got s desert followed by a full fat coke! 😁🤣😂

@Contessals .... I guess I don't mix with "the more image-conscious groups of people" then

I agree I tend to go for a consensus on starters or not, more as a time thing though than anything to do with the number of calories.

No this doesn't happen with my friends, we order what we want! However when it comes to dessert, sometimes one person has to break the 'I'm gonna have a dessert' seal for everyone else to get one as well!

I have been out for dinner a few times with a couple of women I know who are beautiful and slim (but kind of dull to be honest). They always make a big thing have not having a starter, having a very simple salad and then no dessert.

I mean, I realise that is why they are thin and I am not, but if you are out for a nice dinner then order what you actually want, not what you think you should have.

I know women who can be a bit like this. They are people who are normally part of different social sets but that I meet up for lunch with once in a while. They always start with the "I´ll just have a salad" thing, and then I reply that I am having x,y + z and the whole salad nonsense is never mentioned again.

My mother is the Queen of this. When we are out for lunch, she always wants to share as whatever is on offer is "too big". She even asks if tray bakes can be cut in half. And then she is so STUFFED that she can't eat dinner at 7pm in the evening when she had lunch at 12pm and is shocked that I am planning on having my dinner like normal. It is really tedious.

Nope but we are are erm rather well padded ladies

In defence of these women. It does depend a bit how often you eat out. Around christmas time I was having 3 or 4 meals (mostly lunch) out each week, DH and DCs also want a good meal in the evening. If you are having 3 or 4 meals in restaurants each week, having bread, chips, gallons of wine and 3 courses everytime isnt teneable or healthy and you have to make some of those meals "light".

It’s sounds like you live in quite a rarefied, image-conscious world op, what with all the salads and gym classes and feeling obliged to put cake/fresh fruit out when people come over for coffee. These women don’t sound like real friends, do you actually like any of them?

I am lolling at your DH’s sports team eating all the kedgeree tho 😆

Yeah this is very familiar to me- moreso when I worked in television.

TBH I don’t mind- I’m an emotional eater -
Eat for stress, eat to celebrate, eat eat eat...
It kept me in check really, and stopped me ballooning hugely - as was eating out an awful lot.

None of my friends do this either in restaurants, cafes or at each other’s houses. And most of them are slim (size 8-12 probably). I would say we all tend to eat a very usual amount. 2-3 courses when going out for a meal.
I do know people who do this though, who aren’t exactly friends, more acquaintances, or friends of friends. When they have been at mine and not eaten the biscuits or sometimes not even really drunk their tea/coffee (I always make sure we have nice stuff!) it does make me feel uncomfortable and self conscious about eating. But then I ignore it and eat as much as I like! However I can honestly say the few people I know like that do seem to have a fraught relationship with food.

You keep saying you don't think anyone in the group has an eating disorder and then describing incredibly disordered behaviour around eating.

What do you think "eating disorder" means if not exactly that?

I have never had a night out in a restaurant or anywhere else anything like that!

when people instinctively don’t eat canapés

You lost me there. I cannot imagine such a person. Surely everyone makes beasts of themselves with canapes??

I do think if they want a salad, there is nothing wrong with that too. I personally love salad and veg and would order one if I felt like it. Sometimes I want steak.