To advise my daughter to marry rich.

[miyty]

Ok hear me out.

I will be advising my daughters to look at a person's job and prospects and to really think about what life will look like with someone in a poorly paid career/ job.

Im not saying that this is the main focus- not at all. Merely it is something to definitely think strong and hard about.

Looking at all my friends and family. The ones that are financially well off and have a lot more life choices for themselves and a better quality of life for their kids too have married men who have very good jobs. They themselves are mostly in mediocre jobs and a few of them have never even worked.

Seriously do you know how tough it is buying a house or making a life with one income?

To quote you:

The thing is at my age when you look around (age 50) the women who are living comfortably seem to be the ones who don't work, who have married well and/or relying on the salary of a well paid man. Go figure!

Why aren't we encouraging women to be this aforementioned "well paid man" instead? Following this train of thought she'd be even better off because there won't be someone "who doesn't work" living off of her!

cobalt90 we were raised with the premiss that we could have it all. It was a brave new world where women could have their own credit card, mortgage and be on the stock exchange.

It wasn’t the dark ages.

DH and I are late 50s. When we met I was v comfortable and had an excellent career. He overtook me in spades due to prospects and intellect.

I went back to work early 40s and had no need to. Now pretty successful again.

Seen many marriages where a v pretty well bred girl meets a very successful and ambitious man and makes a career out of spending money. Those marriages often fail and 20 years on the looks have faded and not many men are interested in a woman whose only conversation is Horatio and Olympia, Aspen or Gstaad, interior design or their personal trainer at Riverside.

They are by then unemployable.

Both DC have been encouraged to be independent, have been to the best schools, both Oxbridge. Hopefully they will find kindred spirits. I can't imagine their kindred spirits won't have a good work ethic.

cobalt maybe - and I'm sure there are lots of well paid, single, older women out there. But most of the single women I know (40s/50s) are divorced and struggling or have always been single and struggling. As in still renting, no savings. Our society is set up for couples really and it is quite hard to get by on one income.

However you want to play it many women's lives are often underwritten by men's incomes.

cobalt90 we were raised with the premiss that we could have it all. It was a brave new world where women could have their own credit card, mortgage and be on the stock exchange.

I understand that. However, I think that the situation might've changed from the 50s but the mindset and upbringing hasn't yet at the time. Just referencing the women I know from my mum's generation, and I can see that they were brought up to still see marriage as something that was "necessary" in order to have a good, comfortable life.

Yes, it's harder if you're living off your own income. But men can support families and themselves on a solo income which imo is what we should be striving for as well.

However you want to play it many women's lives are often underwritten by men's incomes.

Which is why I strongly disagree with perpetuating the cycle. If we teach women from young that their life will be better if they get married to a well-off man with a good career, or any man that can support their family for that matter, I feel like it increases the chances of these women taking that as a solid plan, leaving ambition/career as something secondary since finding a husband becomes priority number 1.

But men can support families and themselves on a solo income which imo is what we should be striving for as well.

Sure. But currently men make (a lot) more than women and take up most of the senior, CEO roles and they do that because, if they have children, someone else is sorting family life. It's going to be some time before that changes. In the meantime it's pretty tricky for a single mom with 2 school age DCs to work at the same level!

Which is why I strongly disagree with perpetuating the cycle.

Cobalt I agree. But some would ask - why take the hard route (of slogging it out to get to top level on your own) instead of the easy route (relying on someone else to contribute significant amount of income)?

In principle I agree with the former but many would pitch for the latter.

cobalt I was born 1960. I was taught to be a wife (quite a rich one). I was also taught to work and be independent. In fact I was independent enough to eschew a few Johnnie's in the Guards and stockmarket. Those Johnnie's boiled down to a 4 bed detached and dc's education on the back of mummy and daddy's money.

Glad I eschewed them and married the working class northernor to do it. But I only did that because I was independent and earning a lot of money by then. 1989!

windygallows I agree that it's a bit of a problem when it comes to DC because it's a big sacrifice either way. I guess it comes down to different expectations with what people want out of life.

The core of my argument then is that we should give women a choice when they're old enough to decide for themselves and not teach them the "easier" route from young. I mean, if they decide to marry and rely on their husbands, great! But give them the chance to have non-marriage related ambitions first without the distraction of a backup because if they don't work on themselves from young, it gets harder to do that when they're older.

My grandmother always encourage me to marry someone kind and ambitious. To me, an underachiever is a huge turn off.

I’ll be encouraging my future daughter(s) that they can do anything they want, including following their father into engineering or their mother in the arts, if they want.

It's wrong to advise them to 'marry rich' but rather to chose someone capable of holding down a honest job and who's willing to work hard.

Good grief

Advise them to study hard and focus on their own careers. Marry for love not money.

The thing is at my age when you look around (age 50) the women who are living comfortably seem to be the ones who don't work, who have married well and/or relying on the salary of a well paid man. Go figure!

I'm not far behind and when I look round the more comfortable ones are like myself who strived to keep working, have decent pensions in their own right and could support themselves if anything happened to their husband (death, illness or redundancy). The people you see may be fine right now but would they be if they got divorced or their husband couldn't work and sustain their lifestyle.

I have 3 sons. I will be advising them to look out for and avoid at all costs mercenary women who view them merely as an ATM and consider their financial prospects equally with their morals, personality, sense of humour etc. Ridiculous attitude in the 21st century, horrible horrible horrible. Perhaos better encourage tour daughter to fight the glass ceiling and omprove orospevts for women and work on herself? Also, your daughter might not be straight.

Sorry for the typos. New phone has a different width keyboard and its doing my head in!

But some would ask - why take the hard route (of slogging it out to get to top level on your own) instead of the easy route (relying on someone else to contribute significant amount of income)?

Because one day the easier source or income might decide they don't want to play that role any more..

Snobbery at its finest!!

You can't define "rich". A builder could be excellent with his money and tools and build himself a lovely house and have no mortgage - that's security.

A banker/accountant could be excellent at saving and not necessarily a high earner.

Fwiw, I come from a council estate, mum is a cleaner, step dad is a taxi driver and met my husband in a pub. I didn't even ask how much we earned until we were married and I kind of found out!

If she is happy and in love and they both treat each other well, then it doesn't matter!

I dont think its snobbery. Who wants their kids, boy or girl, to have money struggles? I taught mine to succeed and be independant and earn their own money and pay their own way from their first pay packet. But, I did tell them to also avoid potential partners/friends who come with money problems because it will affect them in some way at some point.

Who wants their kids, boy or girl, to have money struggles?

I most definitely do, life isn't easy and they appreciate the good times when money is better.
I don't believe in handing it to them on a plate, or setting them up to feel like failures as they see money as success.
Happiness is success, career and money are mere distractions

The thing is at my age when you look around (age 50) the women who are living comfortably seem to be the ones who don't work, who have married well and/or relying on the salary of a well paid man. Go figure!

I'm a few years younger and work. Its getting better but the pressure to go part time and make my job a hobby because I don't 'need the money' really has been at times brutal. Society has dictated that women who don't need the money shouldn't work FT as to do so is 'selfish'. There is a sea change that I've felt over the last few years thankfully into parenting being joint but we still have a way to go.

Advising her to “marry rich” sounds like you’re turning her into a gold digger. What happens if Plan A asks for a divorce, loses his job, becomes disabled, or dies?

She should be comfortable with herself and her own career path before getting married, if she even wants to marry. She should always be able to support herself financially. If she does want to marry, choose someone on an equal footing who she loves and respects and who loves and respects her.

There is nothing wrong with making sure that her fiance has ambition and can hold down a job; maybe this is what you meant, OP. If he’s a lazy layabout with no job who expects your daughter to pay his bills and support his lazy lifestyle, how would you feel about that?

I have sons who are too young for jobs and careers, but I am teaching them to be comfortable with themselves and their own career paths and to always be able to support themselves financially. And when the time comes, how to spot the gold diggers (I’ve known a couple) and to avoid them at all costs.

I will be encouraging my two DDs to work hard and sort a good career for themselves - they shouldn't need to rely on a man for anything!!

Your daughter will likely need to be a high earner herself to 'marry well'. I earn 6 figures (am early 30s) and my DH earns several times what I do. He and his colleagues (and my colleagues) are absolutely on their guard against women who have even a whiff of possible gold-digger.

This means they often automatically exclude low earning/non-career women (rightly or wrongly) because we've all seen the older generation of colleagues burnt by people brought up with the attitude you are seeking to inculcate in your daughters.