To advise my daughter to marry rich.

[miyty]

Ok hear me out.

I will be advising my daughters to look at a person's job and prospects and to really think about what life will look like with someone in a poorly paid career/ job.

Im not saying that this is the main focus- not at all. Merely it is something to definitely think strong and hard about.

Looking at all my friends and family. The ones that are financially well off and have a lot more life choices for themselves and a better quality of life for their kids too have married men who have very good jobs. They themselves are mostly in mediocre jobs and a few of them have never even worked.

[littlecloudling]

Advise her not to marry a cocklodger, but honestly she needs to marry her equal and someone she loves and who loves her back. If she rules men out based on their career then she will close a lot of doors. One of my colleagues is very very well off because of her husband but when they first met they had nothing.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

People tend to mate assortatively, and parents' advice with respect to marriage almost always falls upon deaf ears so good luck with that.

I hope my kids really, really get to know their intended before marriage. That's my one wish for them.

[AlaskanOilBaron]

Going back upthread a bit, I know quite a few women amongst my mother's friends who married successful career men with good incomes, then were left really struggling post-divorce, with no job history to be able to earn a living for themselves. They got the marital house but once the kids had left home, couldn't afford the mortgage payments and bills themselves.

Oh gosh, I have a friend who fits this description. Her husband was a high-flyer, couldn't deal with the stress, has taken a 80% pay cut and they have several children in private school and she hasn't worked in almost 20 years, they can't meet their monthly obligations and oh, they're getting a divorce.

She is so fucked.

[Tiredmam1]

Im marrying someone who was, when I met him, unemployed. We are in the process of buying our first home after having our first child 5 months ago. He’s supporting me on my maternity leave and so I will only need to go back to work part time. We did discuss him going part time, because we earned the same wage, but he gave up that option so I could bond with our son, and we can reassess in the future.
Don’t be so judgmental. I will be advising my son to look at the person, not their title or job. My partner is an amazing supportive person, a brilliant father and my best friend. Why on earth would I turn that down because he didn’t have a job?
People take breaks, people get lost. Get off your high horse.

[Sigh81]

AlaskanOilBaron - there are so many similar stories. I often point my 'I can rely on my husband to support me financially forever, we will never break up' friends to the MN Relationship and Divorce/Separation boards (yes, I am a hoot ) because it never hurts to keep your hand in/an eye on maintaining current or future financial independence as much as possible...

[CountessVonBoobs]

And let's not forget the close cousin, "Even if we did split up, DH would totally do right by me and pay me more than he had to".

[malificent7]

What if your dp is lovely and works hard but dosnt earn much?
Some men who earn loads are there due to unatteactive personality traits such as being workaholic, money obsessed alpha males. Each to their own.

[SheWoreBlueVelvet]

I agree with Windy though. Unless you are on 6 figures you have little chance of buying the same house you could benefit from as a couple, especially down south.

Out of my friends ( we’re mid 40’s ) the one who got a very well paying job in her 20’s had to sacrificed clothes and holidays etc to buy herself a flat ( and even then had to move to an” up and coming” town miles away).The first of us to buy a house which was was pretty cool.
She later met someone had kids and now lives in a similar house and has the lifestyle of our peers. But my other friends who married / had LTR earlier didn’t seem to give up a great deal. They also didn’t have the stress of wanting children but having to chose between career break and kids. Having a husband meant both financially and practically it was easier.

[DistanceCall]

You'd be better off telling your daughter to ensure that she can always stand on her own feet and make a living for herself. And there's this little thing called falling in love with someone.

You sound like Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice.

[recklessgran]

Well, I've advised mine to marry for love. You can always get money but you can't get love!

[Paddington68]

better a rich wife beater than a poorer good guy?

[PiebaldHamster]

Oh, I definitely don't push 'marry for love'. I'm in my 50s and tbh 'love' is very overrated as a romantic concept when it comes to the long haul. Mutual respect (love IS respect), shared values and life views especially towards money and parenting, communication, maturity all equally important.

[sofato5miles]

I am late 40s. Divorcing. I went to an all girl's school, where were promised we could run the world and have everything. Of my peer group there are only four brilliant stand out earners, that I am aware of. The majority have no jobs or part time jobs and emotionally and logistically support their husbands.

However, most either married reasonable wealth or inherited it.

No idea of the state of their marriages...

[Lizzie48]

You sound like Mrs Bennett in Pride and Prejudice.

I was thinking that.

[OhTheRoses]

Completely agree with you Piebald. It seems my Indian neighbours do too. Presently looking for partners for their dentist son and anaesthetist daughter! I don't think they are considering any uber drivers, rather like minded and well educated young professionals.

Funnily enough although their mum is at home now she worked until she was 50ish and I'd say wears the trousers albeit in a traditional home.

[woollyheart]

I think that things have moved on since the days that it was a safe bet to have a high flyer husband and a supportive wife.

It is probably a high risk approach to take these days, with much higher divorce rates, newer styles of pension not necessarily supporting spouses, normal expectation being that middle-aged ex-wives can be expected to support themselves.

If you really want to make sure that they will be financially secure or rich, they need a good career themselves. The days are gone where women could be secretaries and hope to marry the boss. Most happy young couples that I know are fairly well matched financially and working to the same goals. Those that are rich have trouble finding a partner because they are suspicious of gold diggers and have plans on place to avoid partners claiming share of their home.

[Lavenderdays]

Sofa, this is what happened to me also (I didn't get a particularly well paid job despite going to Uni and getting a good degree etc.).
However, I did marry someone of equal intelligence who does have a well paid job. I stay at home and look after the children and will probably (all things being well), never have to work full-time again (I did work full-time though throughout my 20's, got a mortgage on my flat etc. so have realised independence.) Because I wasn't on a particularly good wage it was never easy. I had no idea how much my dh earnt when I first met him (and not for a long time.)

[rattusrattus20]

marrying rich is good if you can pull it off but unfortunately it's something you can't really, not reliably anyway, set out to do - good financial 'prospects' can all too easily leave you, suffer career stagnation, treat you badly, or whatever.

but happily the best way by far to maximise your chances of getting together with someone who has good financial prospects, i.e. has a good career, is to get a good career of your own. and if you are able to go down this route then you'll also have the whip hand when it comes to finding a partner.

[Gingersstuff]

I take it you’ve read none of the threads on here by women who are SAHM, or haven’t worked for years, or ever, and are in miserable relationships with high earners who treat them like shit, likely because they’ve followed the very advice you’re doling out to your daughters? Or the high earner has upped and left them for a younger model leaving the woman with nothing? I’m seeing this a lot in real life too - I’m late 40s and have lost count of the number of SAHMs or Prosecco Mums who were living the high life off their husband’s earnings...until they weren’t. These women have been left utterly floundering in a world where they have no discernible skills or experience and are struggling to get even a minimum wage job.
Don’t let your daughters be one of those women.

[HelloDarlin]

My mother married well & has nothing to worry about now that she & Dad are retired. But she is Dad’s maid. Always has been. They have a loving relationship, but she feels she owes it him as he brings in the money. She was a SAHM with us.
My DH is not rich, and terrible with money tbh. I run the finances at home. But I did not settle, as some friends did, to get a house & children. And a big wedding. We struggle, but we’re happy, independent & suit each other well.

[HelloDarlin]

Must agree with rattus about equal career status. I don’t have a top job... I had plenty of interest from much better prospective husbands than DH, before I married. But I never felt I matched up to those men. I wouldn’t want to feel that way in my marriage.

[PooleySpooley]

What is a “6 figure salary?”

I earn £30,000 a year and own a 4 bed house “down sarf”...?

[HelloDarlin]

Much better in terms of wealth, I mean! They were all lovely fellas too, but I fell for DH in the end.

[Sigh81]

'6 figure salary' is £100k and above.