So, this is complicated and I will try to sum up as briefly as I can without the need to later drip feed. We have 4DCs and DD1 is the oldest so we're kind of setting a precedent here (unfair for first borns I know). My eldest is a high functioning autistic that is in a gap year before going to uni in September. She's also LGBT+. Both those elements were not anticipated when we were planning to become parents and it has been wonderful, amazing (sometimes v. traumatic) learning curve for us both, but whilst at 19 (in a few days hence the 'ish') she is the embodiment of know-it-all pre-adult, that drives us daily to despair, we couldn't be more proud of her. I've put that she's LGBT+ because I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in, but has for the last 5 years (at least) been trying to shock us with her sexual or even lack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'. We have been strict elsewhere, like clothing and no tattos etc so she's had plenty to rebel against, but in terms of her sexuality we have determinedly taken the stance of ensuring that in the end she's felt supported and loved.
So, just before Christmas, my daughter announced that she was planning to marry her friend. Importantly, both for back ground info and for my dilemma this friend is female, lives in the US and the two have never physically met. They talk for hours on end on skype daily. Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"? Her response was to scathingly say Typical I knew you'd react like that. No we just have a very deep Platonic friendship". I remember the word Platonic in particular because to me that seems at odds with wanting to get married (or am I being a bit 'old generation'). Anyway she finally got the reaction she'd been seeking of me telling her that she was crazy. Fast forward 2 days and I finally got her to sit down and explain that in this day and age there is no reason to rush into marriage regardless of how you identify be that hetero, bi, trans etc and that it was a legally binding set of documents that shouldn't be rushed etc etc etc. She seemed to hear me.
Move forward to today (at last). So her friend/Partner is coming to stay next week. My daughter has suddenly tidied her bedroom, gone shopping etc etc etc. But when offered a mattress for her partner/friend to sleep on she's refused and nope, she'll be sleeping in my bed. So I said where will you be sleeping? She pretended not to hear me and has gone off. This is my problem! They've never physically met, my daughter has never been in a relationship since a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the age of 13 which was no more than holding hands. If this friend were a male I'd have no problem with insisting that he slept in the guest room!
Not only do I wish to treat all my children as equals, I also feel that my daughter is still emotionally v. young and wish to protect her where I can. The young woman (same age as my dd1) is coming over for a fortnight, during which time they are going away for a couple of nights. I have no worries about them sleeping together for this trip away because its short etc but feel that home is not the place for experimenting. If these two stay together and see each other more regularly then yes of course, but right now it feels wrong and that if its ok for a same sex relationship to sleep together at 18 (19 in a few days) then it should be the same for a hetero relationship?? What do you all think?? How do I protect her, enable her and treat her and her siblings equally????