AIBU to not allow my DD1's (19ish) partner to sleep in the same bed as her?

[Wills]

So, this is complicated and I will try to sum up as briefly as I can without the need to later drip feed. We have 4DCs and DD1 is the oldest so we're kind of setting a precedent here (unfair for first borns I know). My eldest is a high functioning autistic that is in a gap year before going to uni in September. She's also LGBT+. Both those elements were not anticipated when we were planning to become parents and it has been wonderful, amazing (sometimes v. traumatic) learning curve for us both, but whilst at 19 (in a few days hence the 'ish') she is the embodiment of know-it-all pre-adult, that drives us daily to despair, we couldn't be more proud of her. I've put that she's LGBT+ because I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in, but has for the last 5 years (at least) been trying to shock us with her sexual or even lack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'. We have been strict elsewhere, like clothing and no tattos etc so she's had plenty to rebel against, but in terms of her sexuality we have determinedly taken the stance of ensuring that in the end she's felt supported and loved.

So, just before Christmas, my daughter announced that she was planning to marry her friend. Importantly, both for back ground info and for my dilemma this friend is female, lives in the US and the two have never physically met. They talk for hours on end on skype daily. Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"? Her response was to scathingly say Typical I knew you'd react like that. No we just have a very deep Platonic friendship". I remember the word Platonic in particular because to me that seems at odds with wanting to get married (or am I being a bit 'old generation'). Anyway she finally got the reaction she'd been seeking of me telling her that she was crazy. Fast forward 2 days and I finally got her to sit down and explain that in this day and age there is no reason to rush into marriage regardless of how you identify be that hetero, bi, trans etc and that it was a legally binding set of documents that shouldn't be rushed etc etc etc. She seemed to hear me.

Move forward to today (at last). So her friend/Partner is coming to stay next week. My daughter has suddenly tidied her bedroom, gone shopping etc etc etc. But when offered a mattress for her partner/friend to sleep on she's refused and nope, she'll be sleeping in my bed. So I said where will you be sleeping? She pretended not to hear me and has gone off. This is my problem! They've never physically met, my daughter has never been in a relationship since a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the age of 13 which was no more than holding hands. If this friend were a male I'd have no problem with insisting that he slept in the guest room!

Not only do I wish to treat all my children as equals, I also feel that my daughter is still emotionally v. young and wish to protect her where I can. The young woman (same age as my dd1) is coming over for a fortnight, during which time they are going away for a couple of nights. I have no worries about them sleeping together for this trip away because its short etc but feel that home is not the place for experimenting. If these two stay together and see each other more regularly then yes of course, but right now it feels wrong and that if its ok for a same sex relationship to sleep together at 18 (19 in a few days) then it should be the same for a hetero relationship?? What do you all think?? How do I protect her, enable her and treat her and her siblings equally????

They may not have met in person, but this American woman is not a stranger

Of course she’s a bloody stranger! People can be whatever they want to be online. 🙄

She is not a partner.
I think providing somewhere else to sleep makes sense.
But this is not about preventing them having sex, but just to give them both space. They are friends, not partners.

In these circumstances I wouldn't allow it. Normally for a boyfriend/ girlfriend I would say fine but this is an odd situation. 18 is still young and relatively immature. The huge commitment of coming over for 2 weeks might MKE your daughter feel pressured to 'make it work' in whatever way - both girls are heavily invested in this without having ever met. I'd explain it to your daughter that they'll sleep in separate rooms because the trip is a huge commitment for a first relationship and her feelings might not be the same once they have met - she may very well end up thanking you

I'm going against some of the grain on this thread here OP; I actually think you should stay firm and keep the boundaries in place. Looking back, my "strict" mum protected me a lot, though I hated her for it at the time.

Autistic people are often "younger" or less mature inside than their cohort, we're more vulnerable and we're easier to manipulate and use.

Forget the example for younger siblings, focus on what's good for her and comfortable for you - and let her tantrum away.

Also a total stranger rushing over for a visit might sound exciting now but be totally overwhelming and horrible when it happens.

I agree with everyone saying that for the friend's protection and for her ability to make choices about bed-sharing and sex, the friend needs to have a space of her own to sleep in for the next two weeks. As a guest ideally this would be in another room/sofa so she can have some privacy as well.

Whether they end up having sex is entirely separate from this- you don't start out putting a guest in someone's bed expecting them to think that's ok and just have sex!

Completely different scenario, but at a similar age my American pen-friend came to stay for a fortnight. There was no romance - we’re both straight - and we had been writing to one another since we were 12. We’re both in our 40s now, so this was proper letters, plus a few phone calls. As it turned out, we actually didn’t get on that brilliantly in person, and the visit was pretty stressful for both of us. Had she been sleeping in my room, never mind my bed, it would have been unbearable. If your daughter is used to having her own space it might be worth considering that side of it, regardless of sexual/platonic/whatever.

It would have to be a no for me. Primarily because none of you have met this person, your DD is vulnerable, and it makes you feel uncomfortable.

She's a guest in your house. You make up and offer her the guest room.

I actually think it's just manners. It will give her some space, and take pressure from both her and your DD.

I remember being put into a double bed with a boyfriend at 17 by his parents. We hadn't slept together, I'd never shared a bed with a boy before. I was really thrown by it.

(He was a super boy, mind you, he rolled a blanket down the middle and we had half each! Eventually properly slept together about a year later, when we were both ready).

This is such a bizarre thread

OP have they actually talked about sleeping arrangement? Visitor may well not want to share a bed.

Given your child is vulnerable, and you have younger ones, why in God's name have you agreed to a randomer staying in your house? You haven't contacted the parents?

And your reactions to her sexuality are odd...

You have strict boundaries in some areas, none at all in others. Weird.

Irrespective of sexuality, I would not be allowing them to share a room.

They have never met - skype is not the same as in person.

This person is a stranger to you as a family and personally, I would have suggested her family pay for her to be at a local B&B. Its not like you know this person in any way.

I think there is a lack of understanding in this comment and in the thread in general, about the terms young adults use now. Platonic means no sex. A deep platonic friendship just means good friends. No sex involved.

Isn't that what platonic has always meant? What is different about the way it's being used in this thread?

I agree with all the pp saying the visitor should have her own space, if possible. She'll be in a situation that she can't easily leave if she's unhappy, and even if the two of them get on really well, it'll be a strain for the visitor to be surrounded by strangers 24/7 with nowhere to go just to chill out for a bit, call her family in private. And op's dd should be advised to give her space sometimes.

Where did you originally think this guest was going to sleep, OP?

If you have a guest room, I would be insisting that the guest stays there.

As someone else has pointed out, they'll need some breathing space anyway. Two weeks is a long time to have a houseguest. So it's best for everyone.

But do it in as lighthearted a fashion as you can without making it a drama.

I cannot remember when partners stopped being made to sleep apart from us (sofa downstairs, if that was all that was available), but certainly whilst we had not "moved out" e.g. graduated from uni and left home for good, it was my parents house and their rules. Didn't bother me much (we just had sex when they'd all gone to bed upstairs or whatever and I'm sure a blind eye was turned to sneaking about in the night). Boyfriends parents had much the same rules generally.

Autistic people are often "younger" or less mature inside than their cohort, we're more vulnerable and we're easier to manipulate and use.
This - particularly the last bit.

Do you actually have a spare room OP?

Anna Because people are assuming sex based on the marriage comment. Young adults these days do talk about marrying friends, although they use different words for it. I suspect few if any actually marry though.
This is the equivalent of a pen pal. And the marriage thing will be the equivalent of when as young adults we used to say things like - wouldn't it be great if we could buy a big house and all live together. Never happened.
I predict that this young woman will come over. They will or won't get on, they will or won't carry on being skype friends, and that is it. Nothing else will happen.

it's a NO from me, but then I wouldn't have allowed a stranger to come stay for 2 weeks either OP. Good Luck

I would think that anyone coming to visit would want the safety and security of their own room so that they don't feel imposed on.

I would put it this way to your daughter. Maybe the girl can have your daughter's room and your daughter can sleep elsewhere until the visitor and your daughter together have decided they want to sleep together.

I know people say she's an adult but she's a vulnerable adult and this is a physical stranger. At university she will be meeting people and making a decision based on that.

From your OP, you sound quite old-fashioned and are clearly trying to hide your disappointment that your daughter isn't straight ('this wasn't expected when we decided to become parents' etc).

No way would I allow this. Your dd is autistic and therefore vulnerable, the other girl might be the same ? I would not have an internet stranger sharing my dds bed in my house ! Even more so with younger siblings. Spare room, or local b&b , far better option for all concerned. The fact the other girl would be expected to share a bed with a total stranger is weird in itself. Just say no.

What is “catfishing” ?

I wouldn’t be happy at them bedsharing given they have never actually met, the other girl might not be comfortable with it but your DD has decided this will happen. That’s very presumptive and not acceptable IMO. DD would be told those are the rules and it’s that or the friend doesn’t come.

However so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian" is utterly wrong and is definitely not in the spirit of “supporting her no matter what” It is patronising and judgemental and shows a real lack of understanding of sexuality.

I don't know, I read that more as cautiously treading on eggshells in describing things then being homophobic or judgmental yabbers.

Tone is everything of course.

Own guest room so they can both relax. Encourage her to take things slowly and wait to see how she actually feels, no need to rush anything.

I think the OP has accommodated her daughters choices openly and has tried her best and as such find alot of these comments directed at her apparent lack of understanding to be very unfair.

Anna Because people are assuming sex based on the marriage comment. Young adults these days do talk about marrying friends, although they use different words for it. I suspect few if any actually marry though.

Then surely it's marriage which has taken on a different meaning, if young people are talking of it as a close friendship with no sex. Platonic still means what it's always meant.