AIBU to not allow my DD1's (19ish) partner to sleep in the same bed as her?

[Wills]

So, this is complicated and I will try to sum up as briefly as I can without the need to later drip feed. We have 4DCs and DD1 is the oldest so we're kind of setting a precedent here (unfair for first borns I know). My eldest is a high functioning autistic that is in a gap year before going to uni in September. She's also LGBT+. Both those elements were not anticipated when we were planning to become parents and it has been wonderful, amazing (sometimes v. traumatic) learning curve for us both, but whilst at 19 (in a few days hence the 'ish') she is the embodiment of know-it-all pre-adult, that drives us daily to despair, we couldn't be more proud of her. I've put that she's LGBT+ because I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in, but has for the last 5 years (at least) been trying to shock us with her sexual or even lack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'. We have been strict elsewhere, like clothing and no tattos etc so she's had plenty to rebel against, but in terms of her sexuality we have determinedly taken the stance of ensuring that in the end she's felt supported and loved.

So, just before Christmas, my daughter announced that she was planning to marry her friend. Importantly, both for back ground info and for my dilemma this friend is female, lives in the US and the two have never physically met. They talk for hours on end on skype daily. Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"? Her response was to scathingly say Typical I knew you'd react like that. No we just have a very deep Platonic friendship". I remember the word Platonic in particular because to me that seems at odds with wanting to get married (or am I being a bit 'old generation'). Anyway she finally got the reaction she'd been seeking of me telling her that she was crazy. Fast forward 2 days and I finally got her to sit down and explain that in this day and age there is no reason to rush into marriage regardless of how you identify be that hetero, bi, trans etc and that it was a legally binding set of documents that shouldn't be rushed etc etc etc. She seemed to hear me.

Move forward to today (at last). So her friend/Partner is coming to stay next week. My daughter has suddenly tidied her bedroom, gone shopping etc etc etc. But when offered a mattress for her partner/friend to sleep on she's refused and nope, she'll be sleeping in my bed. So I said where will you be sleeping? She pretended not to hear me and has gone off. This is my problem! They've never physically met, my daughter has never been in a relationship since a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the age of 13 which was no more than holding hands. If this friend were a male I'd have no problem with insisting that he slept in the guest room!

Not only do I wish to treat all my children as equals, I also feel that my daughter is still emotionally v. young and wish to protect her where I can. The young woman (same age as my dd1) is coming over for a fortnight, during which time they are going away for a couple of nights. I have no worries about them sleeping together for this trip away because its short etc but feel that home is not the place for experimenting. If these two stay together and see each other more regularly then yes of course, but right now it feels wrong and that if its ok for a same sex relationship to sleep together at 18 (19 in a few days) then it should be the same for a hetero relationship?? What do you all think?? How do I protect her, enable her and treat her and her siblings equally????

If you have a spare room I'd say, that's where your guest is sleeping. If not, I'd put a camp bed/ mattress in your dd's room. It's not about sex, they can have sex without sharing a bed at night, it's about everyone having their own space and about you feeling ok with the arrangements in your own home.

Anna Yes you are right.
Sorry getting frustrated at the number of people talking about a relationship, partners and sex when that is irrelevant here.

Your house, your rules. Offering the spare room to a guest is perfectly normal and acceptable. If your DD wants to share a room, there are hotels, Airbnb. Who is paying for travel to/from airport, food, days out ? Secondly, for those who have not seen the TV program Catfish, some people have multiple identities and friendships can last many years, without ever meeting in real life

V odd. I can't stand all this 'Your daughter is an adult. She should do whatever she wants. You are controlling her' bollocks. She sounds vulnerable. She seems to have limited experience of relationships, be very unsure of herself and base her decisions on wanting to shock you- that's not a mature adult. She still needs your support and guidance.
She is also living in a family home- you are entitled to want to keep the atmosphere as a family home, and not student digs where anything goes...
What is oddest though, is the visitor. She is also 18 and is travelling alone from America to stay with someone she has never met before??? What sensible mature person would do that???? What do you know about her??? Is she also "on a gap year"???

ack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. ack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'.

I'm sorry I can't get past this line, you don't know if she's ever going to GIVE you grandchildren? Get out of your daughters sex life, it's vile. As for having a random in your house with other children, well that's ridiculous, but you know that surely?

Aunt Why is it so unusual? In my generation plenty of people including me travelled abroad to visit and stay with pen pals. Which this is the modern equivalent of.

Hi all, sorry I've had to deal with a couple of things so not had a chance to answer many comments/questions.

Firstly I was not asked permission for the girl to come over, I was told about it approximately a month ago after flights had all been paid for. DD1 has always assumed she was equivalent to an adult, to the point where during her autism diagnosis at age 7 this was flagged up as an issue. At that point it was not just getting her to recognise that as parents we are in charge, but also to recognise that there are individuals out in the world with greater authority than her, including teachers, policewomen etc. I was horrified but as with her being only 7 have to tread along a fine tight rope to keep communication open. My DD has never felt any concern at the idea of living on her own and when she was younger before we knew about autism dogs we had to permanently make sure all doors and windows were locked in such a way that during any 'disagreements' she wouldnt storm out of the house to run away. Whilst most children threaten running away, most will get scared when it gets dark, or they get hungry - but not my DD1. I say this because I'm hoping it gives you some insight to her. She is also, as others have said extraordinarily gullible - though through her wonderful but special needs school has learnt loads. So at age 7 she would think nothing of asking a stranger for money because her parents didn't have any (because I'd said no to the slot machine rides at a supermarket) or asking whether she could stay at a strangers house because she had awful abusive parents. She has matured beautifully, but that element is still present. The key thing here is that I'm constantly striving to maintain is the open lines of communication, but to say she is bull headed is soooo bland.

Since she'd already invited said friend I've been attempting to talk to this girl's parents, but so far have failed. I have, however, talked to the girl herself and if anything feel that she's far quieter than my DD1. If anything, after the initial shock and the arguments about whether she has the 'right' to invite random friends to MY house (that its not her house because although she pays minimal rent until she pays ALL the bills etc etc), I suspect that as a parent I have the lesser of two evils as it appears that my daughter has already bought her flight tickets to do the return visit later in the year!

Also to those contributors that have questioned my reaction to her announcement that she would be marrying her girl friend with the words 'have you identified as being Lesbian' yes your right, looking at this through your comments it is crass. To the lady that said why does she have to identify with any sexuality label I couldn't agree with you more! BUT its one thing to thing/believe that it's another to be having an emotionally strained conversation with a teenager whom you trying to establish facts from. The most important thing for us as parents is that she's NOT felt the need to be categorised so yep flunked that one - but hey this parenting malarkey seems to only get harder as they get older.

As to why now am I having the conversation re-bed sharing, its because DD1 regularly has (girl) friends to stay and we always put a mattress on the floor etc. It just (stupid of me I know) didn't occur to me that they would be looking to share the same bed. I've needed (big thanks to all contributors on this thread) to think about how I feel. DH is in another country so I can't easily talk to him either!!! The big thing here is that luckily we do have a spare room and whilst there is going to be lots of storms from now until Tuesday, that is, I believe as her mum and stand in responsible adult for said young adult flying over will be made up for DD1's friend/partner/etc.

But wish me luck. The reason it took me 2 days to explain to DD1 that she didn't need to rush into marriage is that it took 2 days for her to listen to me!

I don't think you're controlling at all. You have your daughters best interests at heart and you have raised her from birth knowing what she is like personality wise. Your daughter is entitled to be who she wants and to have a sex life (with capacity to consent) but as pp have said "your roof your rules". At my parents, I wouldn't of dared mention bringing anyone back to their home and I wasn't allowed to stay over with them either (which led me to sneak about rightly or wrongly) I think given the quickness of the situation, you have made great compromise and have went out of your way to get to the bottom of what's happening.

You sound so nice and caring OP. Good luck and I hope you can talk to your husband soon for some real-life support

Thanks Samind and NopeNi

You sound lovely OP, and your daughter sounds very similar to me!

What a lucky woman your daughter is, to have such a thoughtful mother as you OP! I think you've handled this whole thing really well.

If I ( middle aged and sensible, experienced in life!) was meeting someone, off say a dating site, for a coffee, in the daytime, in my local area, I would follow the common sense advise and take safety precautions. I myself would not go to America to stay with someone I'd never met, for 2 weeks. The families have had no contact either. They know nothing about their guest. It goes against all internet safety advice.

I think you are absolutely lovely and your dd is very lucky to have you.

How did it all work out OP?

In this particular circumstance I wouldn't even have her staying in the same house. But that's just mean. You're absolutely fine to not let her stay in the same bed, it's your house, your rules. If she's so grown up she can make other arrangements that don't happen in your house.