AIBU to not allow my DD1's (19ish) partner to sleep in the same bed as her?

[Wills]

So, this is complicated and I will try to sum up as briefly as I can without the need to later drip feed. We have 4DCs and DD1 is the oldest so we're kind of setting a precedent here (unfair for first borns I know). My eldest is a high functioning autistic that is in a gap year before going to uni in September. She's also LGBT+. Both those elements were not anticipated when we were planning to become parents and it has been wonderful, amazing (sometimes v. traumatic) learning curve for us both, but whilst at 19 (in a few days hence the 'ish') she is the embodiment of know-it-all pre-adult, that drives us daily to despair, we couldn't be more proud of her. I've put that she's LGBT+ because I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in, but has for the last 5 years (at least) been trying to shock us with her sexual or even lack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'. We have been strict elsewhere, like clothing and no tattos etc so she's had plenty to rebel against, but in terms of her sexuality we have determinedly taken the stance of ensuring that in the end she's felt supported and loved.

So, just before Christmas, my daughter announced that she was planning to marry her friend. Importantly, both for back ground info and for my dilemma this friend is female, lives in the US and the two have never physically met. They talk for hours on end on skype daily. Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"? Her response was to scathingly say Typical I knew you'd react like that. No we just have a very deep Platonic friendship". I remember the word Platonic in particular because to me that seems at odds with wanting to get married (or am I being a bit 'old generation'). Anyway she finally got the reaction she'd been seeking of me telling her that she was crazy. Fast forward 2 days and I finally got her to sit down and explain that in this day and age there is no reason to rush into marriage regardless of how you identify be that hetero, bi, trans etc and that it was a legally binding set of documents that shouldn't be rushed etc etc etc. She seemed to hear me.

Move forward to today (at last). So her friend/Partner is coming to stay next week. My daughter has suddenly tidied her bedroom, gone shopping etc etc etc. But when offered a mattress for her partner/friend to sleep on she's refused and nope, she'll be sleeping in my bed. So I said where will you be sleeping? She pretended not to hear me and has gone off. This is my problem! They've never physically met, my daughter has never been in a relationship since a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the age of 13 which was no more than holding hands. If this friend were a male I'd have no problem with insisting that he slept in the guest room!

Not only do I wish to treat all my children as equals, I also feel that my daughter is still emotionally v. young and wish to protect her where I can. The young woman (same age as my dd1) is coming over for a fortnight, during which time they are going away for a couple of nights. I have no worries about them sleeping together for this trip away because its short etc but feel that home is not the place for experimenting. If these two stay together and see each other more regularly then yes of course, but right now it feels wrong and that if its ok for a same sex relationship to sleep together at 18 (19 in a few days) then it should be the same for a hetero relationship?? What do you all think?? How do I protect her, enable her and treat her and her siblings equally????

I would be far more concerned at the idea of a strange woman from America, that my DD has never met in person, coming to stay for 2 weeks. They might not like each other in person, let alone want to share a bed. She might not be a woman either. She could be anybody - have you watched Catfish on MTV?
I'm surprised that this woman's parents are happy for her to travel to the UK and stay with complete strangers, too. If she were my daughter, I'd be ensuring she had a hotel room for the duration of the visit. That way, if they don't get on, and it's quite likely, the American woman has somewhere to stay.

Maybe the American woman's parents recognise she is an adult and can do what she wants? At 19 there is no way my parents trying to forbid me to do anything would have had any impact.
And at 20 I went and stayed with a pen pal and their parents for 2 weeks. Not sharing the same bed though! But it was fine. It really is equivalent to that.

To be honest I would allow it
You’ve already said it’s ok for this girl to stay so you can’t go back on that.

She will find out the hard way that it is NO FUN AT ALL to share a bed with someone you’re not romantically involved with. 2 nights maybe. 2 weeks, she’ll be desperate to have her own space

But this is her own lesson to learn.

If she does want to take it further than friendship at 19 isn’t it better she does if somewhere safe.

But again, she’s going to get a shock at 2 solid weeks with someone she thinks she knows but in reality doesn’t.

I’d just let her crack on.

Tbh, I am also quite surprised you have allowed this person in your home for so long.

You need to make up the guest room and show the guest to it and tell her it’s her room for the duration. This girl is in a very vulnerable situation on her trip here and may want space from your dd at some point (including overnight). Personally I’d be insisting on this fact but then turning a blind eye to any very discreet sneaking between rooms /beds.

This.

I am really struggling to get past how you agreed for her to have an internet friend ( someone none of the family including your daughter have met!) to stay in your house.

Are you genuinely comfortable with this ? It seems from what you have said that in your efforts to be accommodating and unshockable to your daughter over the years you have lost the ability to say no when appropriate. Please forgive me if I am wide of the mark with this !

The bed/LGBT / autism stuff is irrelevant compared to the above.

It’s still your house. So you are within your rights to say uncomfortable for her to share.

It has nothing to do with her getting pregnant if anything that’s pretty sexist! The rule is either partners allowed to share beds or not, no matter the gender.

I was 20 and dating my now husband who was 33 and if we stayed at his parents, I had a separate bedroom until we were married!

You and your DH need to discuss what your rules are going to be with regards partners as if let your eldest the younger ones will expect it to be ok to when they get older. Once you decide sit her down and lay the ground rules - if your not happy then could she stay in a separate room and one of the younger kids go in with DD?

Considering they have never met you are being more than accommodating already and 2 weeks of intense time together the going to a seperate room at night might be a good option. They have the few days away to see if click in any other way.

Regards tattoos and clothes - you can’t really control that.

As a recently 19 year old high functioning autistic, queer woman, I'd be grateful that she's hung on till 19, and that she talks to you. At 14 I had a girlfriend and a boyfriend, who my parents knew nothing about, and they rarely knew where I was. If I wanted something I'd make it happen.

As a kindness to the other girl (no problem with meeting someone online, who you've spoken to over Skype, my DH met many of his best friends this way), I'd make the spare room accessible, in case she wants the space, but I'd make both choices apparent then leave them be.

Bare in mind this comes from someone more like your daughter, not a parent, but it seems like you have a productive, if slightly protective relationship, but you'll lose this if you get between her and what she's decided will happen. I never let me parents in, so they didn't get a chance to say no. You're very lucky she talks to you.

And I don’t understand why it took you two days to tell her that plan to marry her platonic friend who she had never met was 100% ridiculous.

Everyone keeps talking about a spare/guest room. I think from what the OP said there is not one.

You are letting your DD invite someone she has never actually met stay in your house? Are you crazy?

I also like the idea of making up the spare room so the visitor has her own space if she so needs it. Blind eyes should be turned to sneaking between rooms as the girls need to experiment and decide on their own, but for both to have separate safe spaces to retire to at need? That's important.

I would also insist on being able to contact this girl's parents, if nothing else to be able to reassure them and to have a line of contact for emergencies.

Gosh, by taking everything about her sexuality and SEN into account like this you are judging what she should and shouldn’t be allowed to do.
Stop making it about her and make it about you.
Do you want your children sleeping in the same bed as their partners under your roof? No? Well then that’s the rule! You can just say something like: “no bed sharing until marriage or living together”. It’s not personal to her or her partner, it’s just what you’re comfortable with.

And don’t ask the partner’s parents!

My concern is with the girl who is coming over.

Imagine if she thinks they have a platonic friendship and is suddenly faced with your dd expecting her to get into bed with her.

This girls parents sound a little concerned and so would I be.

Whilst your dd is using the word platonic does she actually know what the word means?
By using it to describe a relationship then saying they are getting married I don’t think your dd is capable of distinguishing or interpreting what is going on.
My concern would be that this girl has taken the word platonic to mean exactly that.

I think you need to take your daughters age out of things. Your dd doesn’t sound like she has the maturity to go with her physical age. Trying to shock you is something I would associate with a 9-10 year old

Do you know where the visitor would like to sleep?

I'd give her the choice of sharing a room with your DD or sleeping in the guest room, if you have one.

You do not want your guest to feel uncomfortable, and maybe your DD is making assumptions about the relationship which the guest does not share.

Your daughter is a young woman not a child and it’s not really for you to say when she’s ready for sex.

People always trot out this answer but imo if your child brings it into your home then it is very much your business.

I also would be worried about a random internet person staying.

This is very difficult. Take out the sex bit and they are going to find physically sleeping in the same bed every night for two weeks exhausting, they won't sleep well, and will be knackered. Couple that with all dat every day together and there is likely trouble brewing.

Top that off wit the fact they don't actually know each other, And have never physically met and it would be a miracle if they don't fall out.

My personal issue would be a stranger in the house and I don't think I could have agreed to that for two weeks,

Our rule wasn't age related it as when they were actually a couple for between 6 - 12 months.
It worked well and was a good example to the younger ones.
They new our rules from the start, they could go to their gfs house, but often they didn't want it either, so win win.
There's a huge difference between knowing they will have sex and condoning them sleeping together in your own home.

I don't think it would be the bed sharing per se that would stress me OP, but the newness of the relationship with all it's likely ups and downs being played out in front of the whole family and younger siblings each and every day under the same roof; I'd be stressed at the prospect of that! If they were in a familiar settled relationship I'd have no issue at all; the sexuality wouldn't come into it. They've met online and talked online; that's so very different to the day to day face to face reality; which could go very well or it could be vocal and stressful for everyone.

You need to tell her that whilst you share her excitement and anticipation, the whole bloody world doesn't revolve around her love life! That her siblings have wants and needs and sensitivities. On this basis alone, I'd be saying spare room first week and see how it goes from there, with everyone just taking space and time to slowly get to know one another. You sound like a great mum by the way. Good luck! 💐

Whilst your dd is using the word platonic does she actually know what the word means?
By using it to describe a relationship then saying they are getting married I don’t think your dd is capable of distinguishing or interpreting what is going on.

I think there is a lack of understanding in this comment and in the thread in general, about the terms young adults use now. Platonic means no sex. A deep platonic friendship just means good friends. No sex involved.
The wanting to marry will I suspect either be so her friend can stay in Britain, or so they can live together as friends.
According to the OP's own DD, none of this is about sex. They are not partners. They are friends, that is it.

I believe if you marry someone from outside EU and wish to live permanently together in UK, the UK person has to earn over a certain amount, I think it is 18K, plus all the immigration fees. You can probably check this on www.gov.uk I am mentioning this because, this relationship may become long term.

It is not a relationship though in the sense that most on here mean. It is a friendship.

My parents refused to let my partners stay over and I still had my first child at 21 so if it’s going to happen you can’t really prevent it. If it’s a female staying over then I can’t really see the issue. I had this with my best friends mother in school. My friend was a lesbian so her Mum refused to let us share a bed and got really weird about it. I’m heterosexual my poor friend was so embarrassed and it hardly helped her feelings about her sexuality

Spare bed/sofa for the friend/prospective partner. For HER protection.

You can frame in those terms - that her friend has the right to make the choices herself and not feel she has no control over the sleeping arrangements.

She's in a potentially very awkward position, as she has nowhere else to stay or to be able to go home for a whole two weeks - it's the least you can do to give her autonomy with her own body. (and for her to be able to get away from somebody she might decide she doesn't really like after all) - and I'd be absolutely dogmatic about it - the friend has the right to decide just as much as your DD does and, if DD doesn't have the money to pay for an Air BnB, that's how it stays.

(I'd also want to have contact direct with the parents if they are involved, as they are naturally worried by the sounds of it - Catfishing is pretending to be somebody you're not online and hurting people for the fun/power - not only does it make them feel reassured their daughter isn't going to find herself in another country with nowhere to stay, you can also discreetly check that there is actually a return ticket in place - nobody needs a 5am visit from immigration or to end up with a person staying indefinitely with no money because they thought they were coming permanently without going through the correct channels).

Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"?

What a bizarre reaction. If she had mentioned bringing over a boy, would you have said "so you feel at the moment you are hetero?" It sounds completely dismissive of any feelings she may have.

I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in

Why does she need to place herself in any category? Can't she just try out and see what she likes? Young people aren't stuck to categories once and for all; having a relationship or a fling with a member of the same sex is no longer something that defines you forever.

But I absolutely agree that her visitor needs to be offered a spare room. Even if she did come (as she most likely doesn't) in the expectation of a relationship, these things don't always work out and she needs a place of retreat.

And yes, of course you can have whatever rules you do about no sharing before marriage or what not. (though you may need to revise this by the time one of your children is 47 and still happily cohabiting with their partner of 25 years)