AIBU to not allow my DD1's (19ish) partner to sleep in the same bed as her?

[Wills]

So, this is complicated and I will try to sum up as briefly as I can without the need to later drip feed. We have 4DCs and DD1 is the oldest so we're kind of setting a precedent here (unfair for first borns I know). My eldest is a high functioning autistic that is in a gap year before going to uni in September. She's also LGBT+. Both those elements were not anticipated when we were planning to become parents and it has been wonderful, amazing (sometimes v. traumatic) learning curve for us both, but whilst at 19 (in a few days hence the 'ish') she is the embodiment of know-it-all pre-adult, that drives us daily to despair, we couldn't be more proud of her. I've put that she's LGBT+ because I'm not sure she's yet decided what category she wants to place herself in, but has for the last 5 years (at least) been trying to shock us with her sexual or even lack of sexual preferences and whether she's ever going to give us grandchildren etc. We have equally provided a united front of being unshockable with the general response of, 'as long as you're happy and safe we are happy'. We have been strict elsewhere, like clothing and no tattos etc so she's had plenty to rebel against, but in terms of her sexuality we have determinedly taken the stance of ensuring that in the end she's felt supported and loved.

So, just before Christmas, my daughter announced that she was planning to marry her friend. Importantly, both for back ground info and for my dilemma this friend is female, lives in the US and the two have never physically met. They talk for hours on end on skype daily. Anyway, I then said, "so you feel at the moment that you are Lesbian"? Her response was to scathingly say Typical I knew you'd react like that. No we just have a very deep Platonic friendship". I remember the word Platonic in particular because to me that seems at odds with wanting to get married (or am I being a bit 'old generation'). Anyway she finally got the reaction she'd been seeking of me telling her that she was crazy. Fast forward 2 days and I finally got her to sit down and explain that in this day and age there is no reason to rush into marriage regardless of how you identify be that hetero, bi, trans etc and that it was a legally binding set of documents that shouldn't be rushed etc etc etc. She seemed to hear me.

Move forward to today (at last). So her friend/Partner is coming to stay next week. My daughter has suddenly tidied her bedroom, gone shopping etc etc etc. But when offered a mattress for her partner/friend to sleep on she's refused and nope, she'll be sleeping in my bed. So I said where will you be sleeping? She pretended not to hear me and has gone off. This is my problem! They've never physically met, my daughter has never been in a relationship since a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at the age of 13 which was no more than holding hands. If this friend were a male I'd have no problem with insisting that he slept in the guest room!

Not only do I wish to treat all my children as equals, I also feel that my daughter is still emotionally v. young and wish to protect her where I can. The young woman (same age as my dd1) is coming over for a fortnight, during which time they are going away for a couple of nights. I have no worries about them sleeping together for this trip away because its short etc but feel that home is not the place for experimenting. If these two stay together and see each other more regularly then yes of course, but right now it feels wrong and that if its ok for a same sex relationship to sleep together at 18 (19 in a few days) then it should be the same for a hetero relationship?? What do you all think?? How do I protect her, enable her and treat her and her siblings equally????

Your Dd is vulnerable i know she is an adult but you don't know this girlfriend how long is she planning to stay the talk of marraige would concern me A woman i know who is autistic was fleeced by a woman she thought was her GF she just ripped her off. I would welcome the girlfriend but suggest a B&B or spare room be wary. I know i sound over dramatic but i think you are right to be cautious andvtry to put boundry in place.

I missed a whole paragraph of your original post sorry ive just caught up.

I would also make sure any significant amounts of DD’s money are locked down so she can’t be fleeced AND that her documents are in your safe keeping so you don’t end up with some Gretna Green scenario.

If they are going to have sex they will regardless of whether or not they are sharing a bed. It is the first time they will have met so who knows what the dynamic will be, it could be that there is something there and they do end up sleeping together, or it could be that its just platonic and spare bed is wanted. See how it goes. But i do think it seems unreasonable not to let them share a bed if they wanted. They are adults

I think you are making a mistake. Many young women would share a bed just with platonic friends anyway.

You are missing the obvious point that they don't need to be sharing a bed to experiment...

If you want to keep communication channels open with your daughter & for her to be able to discuss her relationship with you I would leave her to sort out the sleeping arrangements.

I think you should insist on the guest room on the grounds that she's a stranger to your family and you have younger DC - she's not a spouse or long-term partner and therefore doesn't get treated as such.
And keep the lines of communication well & truly open. Being autistic (I am) it can be too easy to find yourself in a situation that you can't easily get yourself out of because you don't want to offend or piss people off or because you're too naive to know better. I'm not saying all autistic people are like this obviously, but I wish I'd had someone to talk to.

DD is a confused, VULNERABLE, TEENAGER and there are other children in the house. There is NO WAY I’d want any if my children thinking they can invite randoms from the Internet into our home and into their BEDS. Just NO.

Ffs

i wouldn't let a complete stranger stay two weeks in my home. End of story. And its not a healthy approach to what sounds as if its going to be a sexual relationship, for your daughter to invite a complete stranger into her bed for two weeks- where are her boundaries?
This is bonkers imo.

I wouldn’t be having this stranger to stay in my house to stay. she can stay in a hotel or hostel.

Like others have said you do sound very controlling, it isn’t up to you to set rules about your adult childs clothes and tattoos.

I don't think this stranger should be in your guest room, I think she should be in a hotel/hostel.

I also agree you should be hands off regarding your daughter's sex life. But I would be concerned about her own lack of concern for her safety.

I would say guest room - regardless of what your daughter wants, this other girl has not met her before and might not want to share a room/bed. She’s going to be in a strange country with people she doesn’t know so she is potentially vulnerable. I think it’s important that she has her own space and privacy if she needs it.

I would tell your daughter that she can have the guest room to start off with as you haven’t met her before but you will consider discussing it again after a few days if they are getting on well and want to share.

YABVU on so many levels here.

Firstly, your daughter is an adult. You can’t control who she sleeps with or who she wants in her bed.

Secondly, the bed isn’t the issue here. The issue is that you are allowing a random stranger into your home for two weeks. You have young children and you’re perfectly happy for a stranger to stay with you? Would you pick a random off the street and do the same? It’s a safeguarding issue and you are failing to protect your children here.

Lastly, you are controlling. Your eldest is not a child anymore and you shouldn’t treat her like one.

No.

Sounds like the pair of them need to hear that word a bit more, TBH.

YABU. They may not have met in person, but this American woman is not a stranger - they do know each other. Deep and lasting friendships are made online, including those that never ever meet in person - that doesn't stop it being a friendship.

Your daughter is mad to say they're getting married though. If she really cares about this person, let her start trying out the relationship in real life, and yes, that means sex. She's an adult, why is home not the place for experimenting?? Surely it's better there than some random hotel when they're away? As some PPs have said, they don't know what the dynamic will be when they meet in person, so why not leave options open? At 17 my then-bf's parents knew we were sleeping together, but I would sleep in the spare room for appearances sake as his younger sister was 11 (although, she definitely knew, I don't understand the sheltering of kids that age, it's not like they're also in room with them). At 19 I shared a bed with bf when he stayed at uni holidays at my parents house. She's an adult, and yes a more vulnerable than typical 19 year old, but is that not even more reason to let them share in your safe home rather than pushing them away?

Maybe the deeply platonic friend will smell/have bad breath and it won't go anywhere?! Here's hoping. She sounds very confused and looking to shock. I don't get all this don't label me shit.

To all the people saying make the friend stay in a hotel/hostel - given the girl is coming next week presumably the OP has already agreed to her staying in their house. Suddenly changing her mind and saying she isn’t welcome sounds like a great way to absolutely ruin her relationship with her own daughter who will definitely not understand her concerns.

Apart from anything, this visiting girl should not be ‘made’ to share a bed. None of you have met. Your DD is vulnerable. This girl is most likely vulnerable.

This, imagine you'd travelled across the world to visit a friend only to discover she wants a sexual relationship. You need to give both of them the opportunity to say no to sex when they meet. That's not being uptight, that's being sensible.

Tbh @WonkoTheSane42 I’m just amazed that OP has agreed to let someone they have never met stay in her home for two weeks with her vulnerable daughter and younger children.

Your house you rules, simple.

You need to make up the guest room and show the guest to it and tell her it’s her room for the duration. This girl is in a very vulnerable situation on her trip here and may want space from your dd at some point (including overnight). Personally I’d be insisting on this fact but then turning a blind eye to any very discreet sneaking between rooms /beds.

If the American is in your house at least you can keep an eye on her. I think it's more worrying that they will be away together.

Incrediblysadtoo - you've got it perfectly. I think they're both vulnerable and both scared. I feel the trip away is a perfect time for them to experiment without the consequence of having to share the same bed when they come back. I only mentioned her autism because its part of her personality which is stunningly determined. I think she is scared, but having decided that this is what she (they) want then this is what shall be come hell or high water etc. I may well be over-controlling but she has no concept whatsoever of what its like to share a bed with someone. I learnt v.v. quickly that she slept better as a baby than in my arms/bed. I don't think she has any ideas what this is going to be like.

To those who say that she will have relationships in college - of course she will and yes I'm all for that - but those people she choses to have relationships with are MORE likely to have their own accommodation in the same area and they can take things at a slower rate IF they want to.

When she's wandering around the house with her friend on the phone she still makes her nervous giggle. Please don't forget everyone that this is a first in everyway for her. She keeps touch to a minimal even for family. Its a really big step to go from never having really touched others to suddenly sharing a bed with someone you've never physically met before.

She's not exactly her partner yet though. Could you frame it that, maybe at least initially, while jetlagged etc, her friend might prefer her own space. Does her friend have any additional needs as well? Does your dd usually have issues over blurred boundaries and social interaction which may mean she has read more into the chats than was intended?Maybe it will progress, maybe it won't. Maybe they won't even like each other in rl. However as your dd is vulnerable you can be naturally cautious in your own home and protect her.

Platonic means no sex. Your DD is saying she does not want to have a sexual relationship with this young woman.
Do you even have a spare room? Is that an option? I am guessing not from what you have said.
The talk about marriage will probably never happen. What you need to do is keep the lines of communication open.
Treat it as a pen pal coming to stay for 2 weeks, because that is what it really is.