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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re teenagers, lifts and other parents?

125 replies

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I have a 14 year old DD. She wanted to go into the next town with a couple of friends for a bite to eat. DD asks for a lift. I say, OK, but I am not doing all of the lifts. One of the other parents needs to step in. One of the friends is surprised to be asked and says her dad can't do it as he's working today. Fair enough, I suppose.

So, I text the parents of the other friend as I know them and say fancy doing a lift share. This friend says to DD they will be busy so it's not possible but, to me, they say fine but I thought they were getting the train.

DD says, OK, we'll get a single there and you pick us up in the next town. The other dad will give us a lift to the station.

Now it turns out that DD and the friend are meeting the girl, who lives near the station, and are walking. For DD, it's 40mins, for the friend, it is 30.

AIBU to be steaming that DD still expects me to pick up all of her friends and take them home when neither parent is even arsed to give a lift to the station even though I know for one, that they are both at home and are probably drinking tea and watching Netflix. DD can't see the problem. She just sees me backing from the deal.

I'm not sure who to be more enraged with, tbh - DD or the parents.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:30

In a bit confused by your post. Can’t they get the train? Is the train 40 minutes or the walk to the station?

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 11:32

I get really hacked off when one of mine asks if they can go a place and I say "If you get the train/bus/etc" and then someone comes back with "X's mum will bring us home if you take us". Especially when it comes from the parent.

Sounds like the other parents are happy for them to get the train or bus or whatever.

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:32

The walk to the station is 40 minutes.

I said to DD, get a return ticket as it may well be a similar price but all she's doing is ranting that I'm going back on the deal but that was before I knew no parents could even be arsed to take their kids to the station but are quite happy for me to do it.

OP posts:
ArmchairTraveller · 02/03/2019 11:34

Both of mine are adults now, but when they were at this age I either gave a lift or I didn’t. If I was giving them a lift, I didn’t mind how many others were in the car. I never thought of other parents.
If she were mine, I’d be impressed with her problem-solving and independence. Unless she’s vulnerable and/or SN and not able to judge risk adequately, in which case I’d still be impressed, but also interfere.

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:34

Yes, I see your point but the kids are questionning why I won't do it - all of them, not just DD. Sounds like I've been mug too long.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:34

How did the other parents think that their kids would get to and from the station?

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:36

One, who lives close, would walk. The other thought I would be taking them otherwise they would have to walk if I'm not doing it.

OP posts:
DownWentTheFlag · 02/03/2019 11:36

It’s your choice to give a lift. The other parents are not required to “match” your offers of a lift. If they are capable of getting a train, why shouldn’t they?

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 11:36

The kids are probably questioning it because your DD told them you said you'd do them.

It's pretty unreasonable to go back on what you said tbh. You said you'd do the trip one way. It's not like your DD has asked you to do the other trip because the other parents can't.

If you want to change it then change it going forward, but it would be quite mean on your DD to change your position now.

FullOfJellyBeans · 02/03/2019 11:36

None of this sounds that strange. Fair enough if the other parents don't want to give lifts - that's up to them even if they are just sitting around watering Netflix. The girls can get the train or not go to that town. If you decide to step in and give a lift - that's nice of you but doesn't oblige the other parents to reciprocate. I'm a bit confused about the rest of the post but if you promised DD a lift then you should probably do it. If you turn her down in future and she strops then that's just what teenagers do.

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:37

This reply has been deleted

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ArmchairTraveller · 02/03/2019 11:37

All I ever had from friends was gratitude. No expectations, unless I’d promised a lift. I don’t break promises.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:37

Yes, I see your point but the kids are questionning why I won't do it-all of them

If all of the teens are expecting you to collect them from their houses, take them to the station and then collect them later and take them each home, then you are well within your rights to tell them to get stuffed.

Tell your daughter that you can’t believe she thought that was acceptable to put you in that position. Say it’s not going back on a deal as you had no idea she would expect you do do that.

If you normally do it though, then that’s your own lookout and I’m not surprised she’s wondering why you’re only objecting now!

SnuggyBuggy · 02/03/2019 11:38

Couldn't they just go somewhere local?

ArmchairTraveller · 02/03/2019 11:39

What’s the problem with walking 40 minutes with friends?

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:40

I’m still confused by what you have offered and what they are expecting?

Why is going to ring you? Where is she now?

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:40

DD did originally ask me to do both trips, which would knock out my whole day. Going back a bit, I said that one of the friends expressed surprise that I wouldn't do it. She does have a habit of volunteering me for things.

One of the friend's parents also has a habit of making their DD walk, knowing full well I'll step in and give them a lift because all of us, bar the parents, think it is a bit far. For context, I know them very well. I know, if the situation were reversed, I'd step in and offer.

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:43

DD did originally ask me to do both trips, which would knock out my whole day.

So, did you agree?

If you keep agreeing then I’m not quite sure what to suggest! The other teen’s parents are happy with them walking.

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:44

I offered a lift one way if one of the parents picked up.
One originally agreed with me to take to the station. Now they are not doing that so they have gone back on what they said. Meanwhile, I am still expected to drive to the next town to take them all home when they can't be arsed with a 5 minute car journey.

I told DD, in future, this is the last time. If I'm the only one doing lifts, then I'm not doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:45

No, I only agreed with doing one trip. I stood my ground with DD and her friend, who she had on speaker phone.

Now they are getting themselves there one way on foot and via train, I am thinking, why am I picking up - a half hour journey to the next town?

OP posts:
lyralalala · 02/03/2019 11:46

One of the friend's parents also has a habit of making their DD walk, knowing full well I'll step in and give them a lift because all of us, bar the parents, think it is a bit far.

That's just different parenting styles though. If your DD was older I'd think you were DD1's bf's Mum - she's forever stepping in and givings lifts, and is very pointed that she thinks me and the other Mum should do the same. However, we're very happy for our girls to walk, or get the bus/train. I don't do it 'knowing she'll step in', I do it because I don't think a half hour walk is a big deal at 15/16. She chooses to step in.

If it's annoying you then change how you approach it going forward, but it would be very petty to bail out on the one leg on this trip having agreed to it.

Going forward you should only agree to do what you want to do. The other parents are irrelevant really.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:47

I offered a lift one way if one of the parents picked up

Right, so the ‘if’ isn’t happening. That is shitnof the other parent to back out but it doesn’t mean that you have to step in. Your daughter is being rude to assume you will.

Tell your daughter you will take but not collect.

riotlady · 02/03/2019 11:48

I don’t understand why whether or not the other parents give lifts impacts on your decision? You offered to give them a lift one way, give them a lift one way, nothings changed for you.

Arowana · 02/03/2019 11:49

The friend who expressed surprise that you're not doing it was rude. Why should you do it not her? I'm not surprised you're annoyed, OP.

PCohle · 02/03/2019 11:50

If you've agreed to do it one way, why does it matter what happens on the other way? Not your problem.

Saying you'll do it and then pulling out is a bit shit in my opinion.