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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re teenagers, lifts and other parents?

125 replies

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I have a 14 year old DD. She wanted to go into the next town with a couple of friends for a bite to eat. DD asks for a lift. I say, OK, but I am not doing all of the lifts. One of the other parents needs to step in. One of the friends is surprised to be asked and says her dad can't do it as he's working today. Fair enough, I suppose.

So, I text the parents of the other friend as I know them and say fancy doing a lift share. This friend says to DD they will be busy so it's not possible but, to me, they say fine but I thought they were getting the train.

DD says, OK, we'll get a single there and you pick us up in the next town. The other dad will give us a lift to the station.

Now it turns out that DD and the friend are meeting the girl, who lives near the station, and are walking. For DD, it's 40mins, for the friend, it is 30.

AIBU to be steaming that DD still expects me to pick up all of her friends and take them home when neither parent is even arsed to give a lift to the station even though I know for one, that they are both at home and are probably drinking tea and watching Netflix. DD can't see the problem. She just sees me backing from the deal.

I'm not sure who to be more enraged with, tbh - DD or the parents.

OP posts:

needthisthread · 02/03/2019 16:38

I told DD, in future, this is the last time. If I'm the only one doing lifts, then I'm not doing it.

Do you always make your parenting decisions based on what other parents are doing? It's a bit odd to refuse to help your child because of her friends parents choices.

BlueJava · 02/03/2019 16:40

Perhaps being sociable and having friends is very easy for your DD which is good. If it was me I'd be pleased they are meeting irl not online and have no problem doing pickups/dropoffs. Far better they want a lift than you don't know who they are with or what they are up to.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:41

The point is, there are 3 sets of parents and it's not fair if only one is doing the running around, so yes, if I'm the only one doing it, something is wrong. Choice or not.

OP posts:

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 16:47

Outdated expression thats up there with the likes of "working like a black"

No, it's not, only an idiot would think this.

needthisthread · 02/03/2019 16:48

The point is, there are 3 sets of parents and it's not fair if only one is doing the running around, so yes, if I'm the only one doing it, something is wrong. Choice or not.

No fair maybe; but the choices of the other parents should not make you change your own decisions. That just makes you as unhelpful as them. Be a better person.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:51

Well, in the end, the parent closest to me picked up. It's the first time in ages

OP posts:

CoatTails · 02/03/2019 16:52

I am in the sticks. It’s a 25 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour ride to town.

If I drive DC to town, it’s a 40 minute round trip for me. I do it when I’m free or when I can be arsed but if not I drop them at the bus stop. They are always really grateful.

Tell them all to get a return ticket and do the station run. If that’s not good enough, let them walk!

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 16:52

No it is not wrong. The other parents are happy for their teenagers to get the train and walk.
If your DDs friends ask for lots of sweets from you, then when your DD goes to their house the parents do not give sweets as they think they are bad for them, do you then refuse to give your DDs friends sweets when they visit you?
You are expecting other parents to parent like you and labelling them CF when they do not.

ConfCall · 02/03/2019 16:54

There are two sets of parents im my DS1's social circle who are notorious for doing nothing whilst their sons get chauffeured around. I picked one of them up last week for golf, and his mother was peeping from behind the curtains, having said she couldn't get him to the golf club. My son would have felt bad if we hadn't picked him up and I'd have felt sorry for the kid if he'd missed out on golf, but I did feel resentful.

So, I get why you're a bit annnoyed. Some parents just never offer.

Fabaunt · 02/03/2019 17:06

Your child is your problem. I would make it clear that you will be only picking her up, you won’t be bringing all 3.

If you pick her up from the station, (best option) pick her up and leave the two kids whose parents are happy for them to walk to walk home.

BackforGood · 02/03/2019 17:24

One of the friend's parents also has a habit of making their DD walk, knowing full well I'll step in and give them a lift because all of us, bar the parents, think it is a bit far.

You are projecting there though. I have 3 (now fairly grown) dc and have chauffeured them all over the place, over the years, to give them opportunities to do things however, if my 14 yr old wanted to just spend time with friends on a Saturday, and they had chosen to spend time somewhere they could walk and train to, then I would let them crack on. The 40min walk to the station would all be part of them spending time with each other. I wouldn't be happy about another parent trying to insist they were driven, where they didn't need to be driven.
I have stuff to do on Saturdays too - it is none of your business what that is, however judgey you want to be about people catching up with TV on the weekends.

FinallyHere · 02/03/2019 17:28

making their DD walk, knowing full well I'll step in and give them a lift because all of us, bar the parents, think it is a bit far.

Have you considered that the parents might prefer their DD to walk. 40mins with friends is nothing but good for her.

They may not indeed rely on you stepping in , they may wish you didn't

oldowlgirl · 02/03/2019 17:28

Op, you sound like a complete martyr but actually it's just different parenting styles - your style isn't right or wrong compared to the others, just different.

IMHO, they're old enough to walk those distances & make their own way, if you choose to give lifts, then you should do so willingly & not hold it over your DD (my mum did this & it was horrible) or expect the other parents to do the same as you.

(Also, I'm Irish & find your turn of phrase horribly offensive - your mum being Irish doesn't make that ok).

LL83 · 02/03/2019 17:29

You make a decision for yourself and your dd and dont get involved with the rest.

Sounds like dd can get their without you by walk and train so that is her choice, walk and train or dont go. You can't police what the others do. You have spoiled dd for lifts and her and friends are aware they are more likely to get a lift from you than others.

If the other parents are watching Netflix that is none of your business their children are accepting the answer they have given, yours is having a tantrum about it that is the problem.

museumum · 02/03/2019 17:36

I don’t like using the car when not necessary. A group f young fit teenagers walking 40mins in daylight for a nice day trip without luggage don’t necessarily need a lift in my book.
If another parent offered a lift I wouldn’t stop my dad avcepting but I would be a bit sad that they’re encouraging laziness and unnecessary car use.
I certainly would not be refusing to drive with the aim of another parent driving.

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 17:37

Yes I too would have preferred my teenagers to walk for 40 minutes than have another parent step in and give them a lift. But I wouldn't talk to the parent about it, as its not worth the hassle.
40 minutes walk is good, even better 2 x 40 minutes. Most teenagers do not get enough exercise anyway.

Villanellesproudmum · 02/03/2019 17:46

I have a 14 year old dd. The school catchment is huge most like is live rural, we do share lifts I tend to do more as my dd is an only child so it can be more practical but I enjoy giving them lifts gives me a chance to find out what’s going with in the their lives. They forget I’m there!

BlueSkiesLies · 02/03/2019 18:29

They get the train.

You can take and pick DD up from the train station.

sar302 · 02/03/2019 18:38

But there's no need for the bartering. All you say is "I'll drop you all off at the station, but you'll have to find your own way home, as I'll be busy."
Why would you start complaining to your daughter about other children's parents? "I'm not going to do this, because Catherine's parents won't do that." What bizarre pettiness to try and drag your daughter into! Even if that's what you're thinking, keep it to yourself! Do what you're comfortable doing, and don't do any more than that.

ChoccieEClaire · 02/03/2019 19:05

I hear you! My daughter has 2 friends, they have been to my house several times and taken them out and about but it's never reciprocated. It's very frustrating and I try and explain it to my daughter who does y understand but is then disappointed when I refuse to take them places as it needs to be someone else's turn! I've also tried to explain to her that me and my husband (her step dad) both work all week and don't want to spend our weekends ferrying around and amusing other people's children, especially when the parents don't even work!

dontknowwhattodo80 · 02/03/2019 19:21

I tend to do the bulk of ferrying around DS and his friends. There's one parent who is very conscious that I do more and so attempts to do more if she can.

It doesn't bother me, it's generally easier me as I don't work ( well nothing weekends/school holidays) and I quite like it as I've really got to know DS's friends.

I imagine I'd be a bit miffed if I was the only one doing the lifts if I worked though

Etino · 02/03/2019 21:23

It’s part and parcel of being a hyper vigilant mum- if it’s safe for her to make her own way and it sounds as if it is and you choose to do lifts, then you just have to suck it up! 🤷🏻‍♀️
No judgement btw. That was me. It’s paid off now though. They’ve all flown the nest but are very close emotionally. DD2 has just called me for support supporting a fragile friend, the seeds for that good relationship with her and her peers were sown doing lifts and being the mum who would do more than a fair share of lifts and mopping up when stuff goes wrong.

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 21:48

The point is, there are 3 sets of parents and it's not fair if only one is doing the running around, so yes, if I'm the only one doing it, something is wrong. Choice or not.

If you are the only one choosing to do it when the other parents think they are fine to get the train/bus/walk then why should the adapt their way to fit yours?

If you don’t want to let your DD walk/train/bus then that’s your issue, not theirs. It’s not like they messaged you and asked you to collect/puck up they’re kids. They assumed they were getting the train.

CinammonPorridge · 02/03/2019 21:56

I would tell them in future to make their own way to town (unless going that way anyway) and agree to pick them up on a rotating basis with the other parents.

Hillarious · 02/03/2019 22:07

Why are you even contemplating driving a bunch of teenagers to the next town when there's a train that can take them there? They have time on their hands. It's not like they've got to cram washing, ironing and a supermarket shop into their day. They should all be grateful enough with a lift to the station, but get them off the habit of relying on being chauffeured absolutely everywhere. Perhaps that's the approach of the other parents?

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