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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re teenagers, lifts and other parents?

125 replies

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I have a 14 year old DD. She wanted to go into the next town with a couple of friends for a bite to eat. DD asks for a lift. I say, OK, but I am not doing all of the lifts. One of the other parents needs to step in. One of the friends is surprised to be asked and says her dad can't do it as he's working today. Fair enough, I suppose.

So, I text the parents of the other friend as I know them and say fancy doing a lift share. This friend says to DD they will be busy so it's not possible but, to me, they say fine but I thought they were getting the train.

DD says, OK, we'll get a single there and you pick us up in the next town. The other dad will give us a lift to the station.

Now it turns out that DD and the friend are meeting the girl, who lives near the station, and are walking. For DD, it's 40mins, for the friend, it is 30.

AIBU to be steaming that DD still expects me to pick up all of her friends and take them home when neither parent is even arsed to give a lift to the station even though I know for one, that they are both at home and are probably drinking tea and watching Netflix. DD can't see the problem. She just sees me backing from the deal.

I'm not sure who to be more enraged with, tbh - DD or the parents.

OP posts:

cstaff · 02/03/2019 11:51

Just do whatever you promised. If they have to make their own way their or back so be it. They are big enough to do their own thing. The other parents obviously think so.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:51

Now they are getting themselves there one way on foot and via train, I am thinking, why am I picking up - a half hour journey to the next town?

Well, can’t they train/walk home?

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:52

Yep. I told dd that. Ask about a return ticket. She was raging

OP posts:

HardofCleaning · 02/03/2019 11:52

Now they are getting themselves there one way on foot and via train, I am thinking, why am I picking up - a half hour journey to the next town?

Presumably because you promised. Now you know you don't need to you might think better of it next time. Not a huge deal though - you obviously thought it was OK when you agreed to it in the first place.

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 11:53

If no one else will put themselves out then I would offer lifts to others only if they don't involve picking them up and dropping them off at their houses. They come to you if they want a lift.

heymammy · 02/03/2019 11:53

Sounds like it's definitely time to start bowing out of giving lifts. My eldest is 15 and happily walks the 40+ minutes home from school every day by choice, it's fun, she's chatting with her pals and it's good for her.

In my mind it's one of the best things about having teenagers, no need to ferry them around anymore...embrace it

LaFreaka · 02/03/2019 11:53

My kids just share an Uber if parents don't want to do lifts.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 11:55

Yep. I told dd that. Ask about a return ticket. She was raging

If someone was ‘raging’ with me, they wouldn’t be getting a lift anywhere!

BoringPerson · 02/03/2019 11:57

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable to expect the other parents to give lifts just because you do.

I'm always happy to give lifts to my kids and their friends even when their friends parents didn't. It's up to me whether I give lifts or not and it's up to the other parents if they give lifts or not.
You don't know why the other parent in this case is no longer offering a lift - they may have a really good reason or they may want their kids to have a walk.

I expect all the people I give lifts to to be very polite and grateful though 😅 Also I expect them to not keep me waiting even for a few seconds.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 02/03/2019 12:00

Get them to take the bus/train/get a taxi into town

Mmmhmmm · 02/03/2019 12:00

She has had a right paddy over it.

RedSkyLastNight · 02/03/2019 12:04

Offer lifts as you are happy to do so anddon't worry about other parents. Sounds like the DC have alternatives anyway.
Some of DD's friends parents insist on giving her lifts when I was expecting her to take the bus or walk. They probably think I'm a CF but the point is I don't expect or want them to offer this lift so can't see why there is an onus on me to reciprocate

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 12:06

Your DD is being a teenager - teens are bound to strop when you say you'll give them a lift one way then tell them to get a return on the train. That's just teens.

onceandneveragain · 02/03/2019 12:08

yes YABU.

I've been both child and adult in the scenario where some parents don't offer lifts and it is annoying so fair play in the future if you say you're not being a mug and driving everyone everywhere.

but on this occasion you've said you would give them a lift so it really is a dick move to go back on your word. Your poor dd is probably really embarrassed to have to explain to her friends that her mum has changed her mind, not because she's tired, or has to work, but because it's not faaaaaaaiiiirrr!

Whether its walking/train/getting a lift from another parent it makes literally no difference to you how they do the other leg of the journey. It does not impact your life in any way at all. It doesn't cost you any money or time, so why do you care? You are acting very childishly about it.

Also you don't 'know' that the other parents are only watching netflix all day, and even if they do, so what? Perhaps they are ill, or have several other children, or a really stressful job, or unwell elderly parents and they deserve a break and are happy for their children to catch a train. For the one who lives near the station why would they twat about driving children who live several miles out of their way around when their child can catch a train right next to their house? I'd laugh at that request even if I wasn't working!

What do you want to teach your dd? That she should honour her commitments, be independent, accept that life isn't always fair, negotiate with others and exercise frequently?(what she seems to be doing independently) Or that she should whine, moan, go back on her word when it doesn't suit her, expect mummy to sort her life out and get lifts everywhere? (what she will learn from watching you)

AlexaShutUp · 02/03/2019 12:12

I have a dd around the same age. If I can give her a lift, I will. If I can't, then I don't. If I'm doing the lift, then I'm happy to have passengers. I don't really care whether other parents reciprocate, because it's my choice to help out my dd.

As it works out, I do end up ferrying dd and her friends around more than most, but I don't mind - it's actually a good chance to get to know them more and to know about what's going on in their world. And on the positive side, if there are times when I can't take dd somewhere for any reason, there is usually another parent who feels obliged to step in and help because of all of the lifts I've previously given their dc!

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 12:14

What about the dick move of not even giving a lift to the station when agreed, which is no bother? Why is everyone forgetting that. I 'm happy to pick up from the station . I am just not willing to drive to the next town if others aren't even prepared to honour 5 minutes of driving ro the same town.

And, it's not just dd asking, it's her friends too. They won't even ask their parents as they are busy. We are all busy.

OP posts:

Crabbyandproudofit · 02/03/2019 12:15

It obviously feels unfair to you because your offer of a lift came with the proviso that one of the other parents would do the lift the other way. As they are getting the train to town nobody else is driving apart from you. You are not doing any more than you originally offered so it would be unfair to back out now. However, going forward don't agree to lifts if you don't want to and if you do offer just accept that the other parents may or may not do likewise.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/03/2019 12:19

Mine would get upset if they thought I’d agreed to something and then tried to weasel out of it, or put additional conditions on the arrangement. Do what you agreed this time, then decide what happens next time

greenpop21 · 02/03/2019 12:20

It matters not a jot what the friend thinks and if she's miffed or not.Your car, your time.
I suggest giving the lift you agreed to but have a word with your DD about future situations.
I had a situation where I was happy for my DD to use public transport, she was 17, but her friend's mum wasn't and would offer lifts.Fine except my DD thought I should share as it made her feel bad!!! I think I started a thread on it.

NiceNewShiny · 02/03/2019 12:20

What about the dick move of not even giving a lift to the station when agreed, which is no bother?

You don’t know why they aren’t giving the lift. Maybe they want the daughter to have some exercise, maybe they aren’t feeling well, maybe they are waiting for a visitor or an important phone call, maybe they are in the midst of decorating, maybe their daughter had a ‘right paddy’ over something and the parents decided they now don’t wont to give a lift.

...anyway you get the drift.

billybagpuss · 02/03/2019 12:21

I don't think you can make a proviso on other parents actions, you offered to collect, the other parents refusing lifts maybe irritating but the DC's all got to town ok, how they got there is irrelevant. You should honour your 'I'll pick you up' offer.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 02/03/2019 12:21

Throwing a paddy

A dated and offensive expression generally used by English people to describe someone having an over the top strop.

Offensively refers to Irish people as "paddys" and their "over the top sulking" when it came to the English stealing Irish land, pillaging and their refusal to grant the Irish their independence for a long time.
It implies unreasonableness, obstinacy and an inability to control the temper (which go nicely with drunkeness and violence of course).

Outdated expression thats up there with the likes of "working like a black"

Missingstreetlife · 02/03/2019 12:22

Why haven't they got bikes? I think if you live somewhere remote (no bus?) then you have to give lift or extra money for taxi share, but perhaps they should give notice, ask nicely. Shame about other parents but not kids fault

notacooldad · 02/03/2019 12:22

When my kids were around 14 they didn't want lifts from parents in the daytime but what they used to do was get a taxi. At first I thought this was extravagant but it worked out to be cheaper than the buses or trains once they divided the fare up between four of them.
Could that be an option?

dragonsfire · 02/03/2019 12:22

I think you have to suck this one up but make it clear not doing in the future.

FWIW I completely see where your coming from they could easily get the train back and you pick them up from there especially as other parents have backed out. Instead you have to do a half hour drive rather than 5 mins for demanding teenagers!

Suck this one up but next time they can get the train they are happy to walk to station then they can be happy to walk back!

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