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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re teenagers, lifts and other parents?

125 replies

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I have a 14 year old DD. She wanted to go into the next town with a couple of friends for a bite to eat. DD asks for a lift. I say, OK, but I am not doing all of the lifts. One of the other parents needs to step in. One of the friends is surprised to be asked and says her dad can't do it as he's working today. Fair enough, I suppose.

So, I text the parents of the other friend as I know them and say fancy doing a lift share. This friend says to DD they will be busy so it's not possible but, to me, they say fine but I thought they were getting the train.

DD says, OK, we'll get a single there and you pick us up in the next town. The other dad will give us a lift to the station.

Now it turns out that DD and the friend are meeting the girl, who lives near the station, and are walking. For DD, it's 40mins, for the friend, it is 30.

AIBU to be steaming that DD still expects me to pick up all of her friends and take them home when neither parent is even arsed to give a lift to the station even though I know for one, that they are both at home and are probably drinking tea and watching Netflix. DD can't see the problem. She just sees me backing from the deal.

I'm not sure who to be more enraged with, tbh - DD or the parents.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 02/03/2019 13:11

I give my child lifts because I am the parent, it is my responsibility to see them safe. If that involves their friends, so be it.

Babygrey7 · 02/03/2019 13:11

OP, you are getting worst of both worlds now, you are still doing the driving and getting DD and yourself in a strop

I just dropped my teen off in town, I said he can have a lift back at 5, or arrange his own transport home. That way it does not impact my day and I can go for a swim.

What his friends do, I don't know, up to them

I think you are not clear enough, next time state clearly what you are happy todo, without exacting a deal from other parents. Why should they drive your daughter if they are happy for their kids to walk/train, just to humour you?

Be a bit less involved, less negotiating, just say what you can do (eg: I can drop you and Georgia off in town at 11, but you have to make your own way back)

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/03/2019 13:12

@LegoPiecesEverywhere that's interesting I didn't know that (re origins of throwing a paddy expression).

llangennith · 02/03/2019 13:15

I used to give DS's girlfriend (then 14 or 15) a lift home every time she came to ours. Her parents seemed to think it was ok for her to walk home 2 miles through country lanes in the dark. I didn't agree so just took her home. Only a 20min round trip.
My giving lifts to 3DC was never dependent on who else was offering or not.

OffToBedhampton · 02/03/2019 13:21

YANBU OP.

You were happy to do lift to other town if saved train journey & walk because (the 'if' clause) another parent is bringing back. But if none are and DD is Having to pay single train fare anyway, then they might as well spend small amount extra to get a return and save you the time/petrol. And you either Drop off or pick up (one way) to/ at station. Unless you were happy to do so study you made clear you were not in your first reply to her.

If my DD and girlfriend got stroppy with me, she wouldn't be going until she apologised. My optional taxi service only operates for nice & grateful DCs. I think your DD put you in this situation and she needs negotiate better for fairness as it's obviously bothering you did to repeated CF.ness over lack of reciprocity in lift giving.

Rubusfruticosus · 02/03/2019 13:23

Giving a lift is your choice. If the other parents are happy for their children to walk to the station and get the train then that's their decision. 40 minutes isn't that far to walk.

Tighnabruaich · 02/03/2019 13:25

Can’t they get the train back and you can pick your daughter up from the station?

NunoGoncalves · 02/03/2019 13:25

I think you're just overcomplicating things. Next time just offer what you're willing to do – in this case EITHER take them OR pick them up. You agreed to pick them up, so how they get there is up to them. Don't pay any attention to it, not your problem. Don't text other parents, don't waste your energy, etc., they're old enough to sort it out themselves.

And FWIW, agreeing to the pickup is always the best choice. If you agree to take them, you run the risk of a call later with them whining that the other parent had an emergency and they can't get home and you have no choice to pick them up too!

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 13:29

Can’t they get the train back and you can pick your daughter up from the station

I think this is the best bet.

The child living near the station can walk home, your DD gets a lift home from you and the child living 30 mins walk away from the station can do that as her parents are happy for her to and it’s not actually your problem.

If she is unhappy about it, she can take that up with her own parents!

Is it her who is the driving force behind the pressure on you??

Topseyt · 02/03/2019 13:37

Honestly, I would be telling them that they could all just get a return on the train. I would pick them up if needed when they got back because it would probably be dark and I would prefer my DD not to have a 40 minute walk along lonely roads in the dark.

Stop trying to organise other parents. You are massively over complicating things.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 14:35

Holiday, it is both friends really. None of them will ask their own parents. I think they are telling dd they have to ask me. Maybe their parents are happy with them walking and training it but they certainly aren't.

Fwiw, I remember my friends being thw same with me and my dad getting sucked into lifts both ways because other parents cba - even in the dark

OP posts:

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 15:04

I would be one of those parents who my teenagers did not want to ask for a lift. That is because they have legs they can use for walking. You don't have to pander to them OP.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 15:06

i think they are telling dd they have to ask me.

I don’t really get why the one who lives near the train station would be doing this?!

You can’t change how the other parents think and you can’t alter their actions. You need to make a decision, OP. Are you going to stop feeling like you have to ‘step in’ and save these girls from having to make a bit of a walk or not?!

mrsm43s · 02/03/2019 15:17

You get to decide if you want to give a lift to the station/to town/one way or both ways.

You don't get to dictate whether other parents give lifts or not.

If your daughter is throwing a tantrum at 14 because she doesn't want to catch the train or do a 40 min walk, she is pretty badly behaved. I'd be grounding my 14 year old for that - problem solved - no lifts needed.

Topseyt · 02/03/2019 15:27

So just tell them that you will give lifts to and from the station. They can get return tickets for the train and you could meet them at the station when they get back. Or DD and friends walk to the station, get return train tickets and you will meet at the station when they get back.

If they don't like that then they can't want to go all that badly.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 15:35

So just tell them that you will give lifts to and from the station.

Lifts to the station for all three girls, there and back? I think that’s what the OP was objecting to.

Rubusfruticosus · 02/03/2019 15:43

Lifts to the station for all three girls, there and back? I think that’s what the OP was objecting to. One's next to the station if I understood correctly. I would give a lift to the other if it was on my way. Wouldn't matter if the other parent wasn't doing their 'share', it would be my choice to drive or not to drive.

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 15:48

I told DD, in future, this is the last time. If I'm the only one doing lifts, then I'm not doing it.

Good!

And just for 'raging' at you, I would tell her the deal is off!

Are you a single parent? Is this a factor in all of them treating you like this?

And next time DD volunteers you for something, don't do it! It's the only way she'll learn that sending not the boss of you.

Original poster

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 16:00

No, lift to next town I was objecting to when parent living down the road from me couldn't even be arsed with station trip which they had agreed to but reneged on at last minute.

They have done so before, too, where I've ended up doing both lifts to and from town as they've decided to be busy when their dd called them to tell them when she was ready to be picked up even though they originally agreed.

One near station wanted the lift to next town as did dd. Dd negotiated one way train trip with her.

I'm not a single parent but dh works Saturdays. I also have a younger child so it means dragging him round. The others are either onlies or have older siblings-much older

OP posts:

Rubusfruticosus · 02/03/2019 16:11

If they have older siblings then the parents may allow them greater independence? I'm a single parent and my dc has had more independence at a younger age as well. Different parents parent differently.

M4J4 · 02/03/2019 16:23

I would suggest just dropping and picking your own DD but she sounds entitled too.

HeyNannyNanny · 02/03/2019 16:26

She has had a right paddy over it
Good enough reason to withdraw your offer of a lift.

HomeMadeMadness · 02/03/2019 16:26

Don't turn yourself into a martyr and gives lifts when it's really inconvenient. On the other hand though when I was a teenager my dad was often the one to give us lifts and it was actually usually the most quality time I spent with him - not because we didn't eat dinner together and have days out but because I think it was just less pressured so we'd often end up having really nice chats about what I was doing, where I was going or just whatever random thing came up. Likewise when my friends were there too and we'd all be chatting he said it was like a little window into our world.

HeyNannyNanny · 02/03/2019 16:28

Why is anyone doing any lifts at all if the station is a walkable distance?
Unless it's a special occasion, someone is injured, it's chucking it down with rain or you're going that way anyway... Just don't do it.
The walk will do them good physically, and not being entitled to endless lifts will do them good socially and mentally.

greenpop21 · 02/03/2019 16:35

Yes I did take it from Urban Dictionary. So what? It is entirely accurate. It is offensive.

It's not accurate at all. I am of Irish descent and am not remotely offended by that phrase. It's been said in my family for years.

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