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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re teenagers, lifts and other parents?

125 replies

thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I have a 14 year old DD. She wanted to go into the next town with a couple of friends for a bite to eat. DD asks for a lift. I say, OK, but I am not doing all of the lifts. One of the other parents needs to step in. One of the friends is surprised to be asked and says her dad can't do it as he's working today. Fair enough, I suppose.

So, I text the parents of the other friend as I know them and say fancy doing a lift share. This friend says to DD they will be busy so it's not possible but, to me, they say fine but I thought they were getting the train.

DD says, OK, we'll get a single there and you pick us up in the next town. The other dad will give us a lift to the station.

Now it turns out that DD and the friend are meeting the girl, who lives near the station, and are walking. For DD, it's 40mins, for the friend, it is 30.

AIBU to be steaming that DD still expects me to pick up all of her friends and take them home when neither parent is even arsed to give a lift to the station even though I know for one, that they are both at home and are probably drinking tea and watching Netflix. DD can't see the problem. She just sees me backing from the deal.

I'm not sure who to be more enraged with, tbh - DD or the parents.

OP posts:
clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 12:24

If I was a parent of the other kids, I would just think they can walk and get the train. 40 minutes is not a long walk for a healthy 14 year old. So no I would not offer a lift. If another parent wanted to, that is up to them.

ArmchairTraveller · 02/03/2019 12:24

Station to our house is about a mile. Mine walked it from being 11. I gave lifts if it was raining, or they were carrying a cello or I felt like it.
Enough with the flouncy MummyMartyr. Do or do not. Just stop whinging.

AlexaShutUp · 02/03/2019 12:24

And, it's not just dd asking, it's her friends too. They won't even ask their parents as they are busy. We are all busy.

So next time, say no if you're too busy. The problem on this occasion is that you already agreed to help out. I think you'll have to suck it up this time.

CIT80 · 02/03/2019 12:27

I’ve with my DC that there are two types of parents - those who do lifts and those who don’t ! Yes it’s frustrating when only a small few share the dropping off and picking up but I do it out of choice the same as those who don’t also don’t out of choice

lyralalala · 02/03/2019 12:27

What about the dick move of not even giving a lift to the station when agreed, which is no bother? Why is everyone forgetting that. I 'm happy to pick up from the station . I am just not willing to drive to the next town if others aren't even prepared to honour 5 minutes of driving ro the same town.

Something has obviously come up that means that parent isn't able or willing to do it.

You kinda put that parent on the spot, she told her DD she was busy. Sounds like she tried to fit it in, but can't.

Tbh you set yourself up by insisting that your part was dependant on the actions of other parents. It's not up to you to organise their day.

Your DD clearly thinks that you agreed to give a lift one way if they sorted out getting there the other. Yes you made it dependent on the other parents, but she obviously thinks that as long as they are getting there and not asking you then you'd give the lift you agreed too. I can see her point.

I guess you just need to decide if this is the hill to die on. Far better imo to give the lift you agreed and then change the way you approach lift giving. Give the lifts that you are happy to give and don't get involved in what the other parents do.

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 12:28

Her friends are not asking their parents because they know they would say no, and probably just tell them to walk. They recognise you are the soft touch though.
OP stop blaming the other parents. Either do this, or say no and let them walk.

wishingforalotterywin · 02/03/2019 12:32

This is a classic lift sharing problem - the one who lives furthest away usually ends up doing more driving as there's more incentive to drive rather than walk etc and then resenting the others

The problem for your DD is she now thinks you're backing out on the offer.

Your offer should be what you're willing to do regardless of the other parents' commitments. A 40 min walk each way plus a train is a lot more of a slog than a 10 min walk and a train.

FWIW I would offer a lift to the station and possibly even back but I wouldn't pick them up from the neighbouring town unless it's going to be really late

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 02/03/2019 12:32

Oh. My mum uses thst expression. She is Irish. I will enlighten her and consider myself enlightened. Thanks so much

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 02/03/2019 12:35

It was the same when I was a kid. My parents would always give us lifts but we lived in a farm so no public transport. They would always pick up my friends too if we were going out any where. However my friends parents would never reciprocate. We didn't live that far away either only about 5 mins drive away. Not like we lived totally in the sticks.

HoppityFrog3 · 02/03/2019 12:35

Don't be a mug. There are plenty of CF parents who will let you be chauffeur for their kids, and will act all annoyed when you stop.

Just give YOUR daughter a lift, and tell her to stop volunteering you to pick every other teenager up! I know what you mean about it affecting the whole day. When my kids used to expect me to take them and their mates here and there and fucking everywhere, it was a one hour or more 'round trip' to pick them all up, and then another one hour or more 'round trip' later to get them all, and drop them all off! And you're just sitting around all afternoon, unable to get into anything, or go anywhere/do anything else, because you know you have to go get them later.

And if your kids are anything like mine were, they never knew what time they were going to be finished/wanting a lift back. It would be anything between 3pm and 5.30pm, so I was just on edge all day, waiting for the text to come get them, and couldn't relax or go anywhere else or do anything else. It got very annoying.

Don't put yourself through that. As much as I love my kids, now they have left and got their own homes (and cars,) I don't miss being a 24/7 taxi service for them. (And their mates!)

Ignore the racist accusations OP. I am half Irish, and don't find your comment remotely offensive. Some people just love to stir the pot on here. Wink

ForgivenessIsDivine · 02/03/2019 12:38

I've just been in a similar situation... I ended up sounding like a grumpy old moo and probably ended up taking the shine off their day out.

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 12:39

Also different people have very different ideas of what is an okay distance to walk. Few would give a healthy 14 year old a lift to somewhere that was a 5 minute walk during the day time. They would just tell them to walk.
I see a 40 minute walk the same way, no big deal. But I recognise not everyone feels the same way, and they may think a lift should be offered.
I think this idea of what is a reasonable walking distance affects parents of teenagers willingness to give lifts. Both DP and I grew up rurally and walked everywhere.

cstaff · 02/03/2019 12:44

Do it today because you said you would. Then just call a halt to it and let them make their own way there and they will stop asking once they realise there is no point.

onceandneveragain · 02/03/2019 12:45

re: other parent not dropping to the station - I assume this is the parent of the child who lives 30 mins away from the station not the one who lives next to it?

  1. you picking/dropping their child up is on the way. them doing the same for you is out of their way
  2. from your (confusing) first post it appears they actually originally said to their dd they were too busy, then when you got involved said they would but they thought they were getting the train, then said they would give a lift to the station - so they're only going back to their original position of 'no'
  3. perhaps they think that half an hour's walk with a friend is perfectly doable for a teenager so don't need to give a lift?
  4. AGAIN - whether they are being a dick or not how does them changing their minds, affect you and the (separate) journey YOU agreed to at all, in the slightest?
BlimeyCalmDown · 02/03/2019 12:48

"I offered a lift one way if one of the parents picked up" - YABU to expect to be able to force other people to do what you want. One girl lives next to the station and her parents (rightly imo) to expect her to get the train. The other girl has a 30min walk and her parents are happy for her to walk this (good exercise!). Your daughter lives 40mins walk from the station and you aren't happy for her to even walk one way - which is your right, but YABU to expect the others to feel the same way. What's a 30min walk? apart from good exercise - it's not their fault or responsibility that your daughter lives the furthest.

ADropofReality · 02/03/2019 12:51

LegoPiecesEverywhere

You've lifted that definition straight from Urban Dictionary, which is as reliable as a very unreliable thing.

NannyRed · 02/03/2019 12:52

You said you’d give a lift. Do you seriously want your daughter to walk to the station and back again?

You said you’d give her a lift, so pick her and her friends up!

Yabbers · 02/03/2019 12:55

You offered a lift but backed out when other parents didn’t do the same? They made a plan, based on your offer and your reason for not doing it has nothing to do with whether you are able to do it or not.

I’m not surprised DD and her friends are 🤔 about it. It seems they have some maturity about them.

I host DDs friends way more than their parents host her, for all sorts of reasons. Some are good reasons, some are not, but I’m not about to let her relationship with her friends suffer because some of the parents are a bit crap. As a result, I have a really good relationship with her friends.

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 02/03/2019 12:56

Adropofreality

Yes I did take it from Urban Dictionary. So what? It is entirely accurate. It is offensive.

NutElla5x · 02/03/2019 12:57

Just because other people's parents are happy to let their 14yr olds make their own way to the next town doesn't mean they are worse parents than you. Maybe they think you are that cosseting your daughter,when at her age she should be capable of getting from A to B herself. Simply refuse to pick up your daughter if it's going to make you feel so bitter and resentful. She may feel a bit pissed off with you,but she'll live.

Chloemol · 02/03/2019 13:00

I would do it on this occasion but make it clear to dad that it’s not going to happen again and her friends can sort it out with her parents. Then once you know they have done a turn I would offer again

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 13:02

Letting a 14 year walk 40 minutes there and back, or giving them a lift, has nothing to do with how good a parent you are. They are differences in parenting styles.

clairemcnam · 02/03/2019 13:04

chloe And what if other parents don't take their turn? I would not, I would tell them to walk.

Weepingwillows12 · 02/03/2019 13:08

To check I understand, your daughter and friends wanted a lift to and from neighbour town and you said you would do one leg if someone else did the other. Then noone would so they plan to do one leg by train and you said do a return and I will get you at station? I think I would be telling my daughter to get a return too and picking up locally. Will only be an extra quid or so and save you loads of your evening. I might offer the extra quid to my daughter.

The deal you offered didn't happen and if they are getting the train anyway why not make it easier on everyone.

You are doing them a favour. They should just be grateful.

Holidayshopping · 02/03/2019 13:11

One girl lives next to the station and her parents (rightly imo) to expect her to get the train. The other girl has a 30min walk and her parents are happy for her to walk this (good exercise!). Your daughter lives 40mins walk from the station and you aren't happy for her to even walk one way - which is your right, but YABU to expect the others to feel the same way

Is this a fair summary?