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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boy forced to have haircut against his will

112 replies

Roofio20 · 02/03/2019 09:15

I know this has kind of been covered in other threads but this is a bit different.
My boy (5yo) wanted to grow his hair so I said okay, so long as we can trim it so it's not in his eyes, that's fine, and if it gets really long he'd have to think about wearing it up at school so he didn't get nits, which he was fine with.
Last weekend, their Dad came to visit as he does when he feels like it, took them out for 6hrs, and when they came back, my boy's hair had been cut really badly. Now, I wouldn't have minded if the boy had wanted to get his hair cut, but my 7yo girl said it was horrible because their dad had dragged the boy into the barbers, that the boy had hung onto the door frame, not wanting to go in, then had cried all the way through. He was still upset when they were dropped off. If the boy had wanted it doing, regardless of it being a bad cut, I wouldn't have minded but that the boy had been forced to do this completely against his will, I have a massive issue with. He could see, it wasn't untidy, it was just long. Am I out of order for being cross about my son being forced to do something he really didn't want to?

OP posts:

BanginChoons · 02/03/2019 09:18

I'd be livid. I'm the single parent of a long haired boy too, and I wouldn't find this acceptable at all.

Booboostwo · 02/03/2019 10:12

This is really awful! It’s abusive of your ex to force this on your DS and I am surprised the hairdresser went along with it!

I would be reconsidering access arrangements.

Chloemol · 02/03/2019 10:15

I would now be having a conversation with the father. He has bullied a child, had no discussion with you as the main career. Calmly explain the effect it’s had on your son, that he will be growing his hair again and that until you are comfortable the father is going to be more considerate of the children it’s supervised access only

Chloemol · 02/03/2019 10:16

Carer not career

C0untDucku1a · 02/03/2019 10:19

Back to court id say. That is appalling. Does your dd have long hair? Has hers been forcibly cut?

bridgetreilly · 02/03/2019 10:20

Sometimes children, and indeed adults, have to do things we don't want to do. I don't think it's unreasonable for your child to have his hair cut.

I do think it's unreasonable for your ex to have done this, in this way, without discussing it with you, especially after it became clear the child was so upset about it. There needs to be some joint decision-making, so that he can trust when one of you says something, you both stand by it. It's not fair if you've said he didn't have to have it cut, and then his father says he does.

strivingtosucceed · 02/03/2019 10:31

YANBU with respect to the fact that he didn't ask you first. But adults are adults for a reason, your child doesn't have to cosign on decisions that affect them.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 02/03/2019 10:32

I'm on the fence here. It's up to us parents to decide on what happens with our children's lives because they are not sensible nor responsible enough to make their life choices for themselves yet. I still have final say in what my 12 year old can do, though her opinions are taken into account more now that when she was 5. I can imagine there are many kids who don't want their hair cut at 5 years old but the parents overrule them.

It does sound like your ex is a bit of a dick (turning up for visitations when he likes) however, he is also the second parent. You're the mum, he's the dad. A dad should have just as much say in what happens with his children as you have.

Seline · 02/03/2019 10:35

What a tosser. Hair doesn't negatively impact a child in any way.

Littletabbyocelot · 02/03/2019 10:38

Children absolutely get a say in issues that affect their body and as a parent you need a really good reason for forcing your child to have something done to their body. And you discuss it first.

Vaccinations, important medication etc of course, dragging a screaming, fighting child to have a hair cut because the parent wants it to look a certain way? Absolutely not. To keep them safe (and when raising boys to model consent in everything we do) they need to learn early on that they have the right to say what happens to their body.

I would be fuming op and definitely looking at what I could do formally (including complaining with the hairdresser).

Treaclesweet · 02/03/2019 10:40

I think the forcible cutting of hair counts as assault.
I would not be allowing any more unsupervised access. If he can be this cruel who knows what else he is capable of.

DingDongDenny · 02/03/2019 10:47

Isn't he a peach. Doesn't see his kids for ages than what a fun visit that was for your son

Does he really not care about building a relationship with them

Thurmanmurman · 02/03/2019 10:48

I’m not a fan of long hair on boys but if my DS wanted his long then so be it. Obviously children can’t be responsible for important decisions that affect them but it’s only hair and he should be allowed to grow it if he wants to. His Dad was totally out of order.

FullOfJellyBeans · 02/03/2019 10:52

I'd be absolutely livid. It's just long hair, there are lots of aspects of kids lives we do need to control as the adults why not let them have control where it won't do them any harm.

Hahaha88 · 02/03/2019 11:00

Children need to have autonomy of their bodies (as Long as their choices don't affect their health) and this includes their hair. It doesn't matter if you or your ex want their hair cut short, or kept long, it's the child's decision. Ok if he wasn't keeping it washed/brushed this would need parental responsibility to say you've got to look after your hair, but not enforce a hairstyle or length.
I'll never forget the time in primary school when a mother gave her daughter about a grade three cut, the little girl was still crying about it Monday morning at school

HoraceCope · 02/03/2019 11:03

its done now,

it will grow back though op

HoraceCope · 02/03/2019 11:03

i remember my dad brushing the curls out of my hair when i was 12, i was so upset i tried to recurl it with a comb, and got the comb stuck in my hair!

wigglypiggly · 02/03/2019 11:05

I'm surprised the hairdresser continued with a child that distressed.

M3lon · 02/03/2019 11:08

Imagine the outrage if he'd done this to your DD instead...

People are so very VERY attached to gender stereotyping aren't they?

The father of your children is a sexist twunt...would be nice if you could keep him away as much as possible.

Hahaha88 · 02/03/2019 11:11

@M3lon well said

HennyPennyHorror · 02/03/2019 11:20

Boy Why does OP keep saying "the boy" instead of "my son" or "DS" or something?

I bet this is a first post.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/03/2019 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StoppinBy · 02/03/2019 11:23

Oh, how sad for both your son, your daughter and yourself to go through that.

YADNBU and I agree with PP if there is a way of following this up officially I would for sure.

havingabadhairday · 02/03/2019 11:26

Saying 'the boy' would be perfectly normal in some areas. I know people who speak like that.

Crinkle77 · 02/03/2019 11:28

I would be fuming op and definitely looking at what I could do formally (including complaining with the hairdresser).

You can't blame the hairdresser for this. As far as they are concerned the father insisted. They just went along with his wishes. How are they supposed to know the mother didn't want it doing. They probably have loads of kids who make a fuss about having their cut. I doubt it's unusual for them so are not likely to refuse.

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