Boy forced to have haircut against his will

[Roofio20]

I know this has kind of been covered in other threads but this is a bit different.
My boy (5yo) wanted to grow his hair so I said okay, so long as we can trim it so it's not in his eyes, that's fine, and if it gets really long he'd have to think about wearing it up at school so he didn't get nits, which he was fine with.
Last weekend, their Dad came to visit as he does when he feels like it, took them out for 6hrs, and when they came back, my boy's hair had been cut really badly. Now, I wouldn't have minded if the boy had wanted to get his hair cut, but my 7yo girl said it was horrible because their dad had dragged the boy into the barbers, that the boy had hung onto the door frame, not wanting to go in, then had cried all the way through. He was still upset when they were dropped off. If the boy had wanted it doing, regardless of it being a bad cut, I wouldn't have minded but that the boy had been forced to do this completely against his will, I have a massive issue with. He could see, it wasn't untidy, it was just long. Am I out of order for being cross about my son being forced to do something he really didn't want to?

[RandomMess]

I'd be fuming!!! He isn't even involved in his parenting!

Provided a child takes care of their hair adequately- lets it be washed, cooperates in having it tied back it is totally their choice to have it long regardless of their sex to force a child to do something that has zero consequences to the parent is abusive in nature IMHO.

[DamonSalvatoresDinner]

I wonder what the replies would be if it was a mother forcing her tantrumming child to sit and have his hair cut.

There are plenty of parents who have been forced to manhandle their tantrumming, uncooperative, misbehaving children into car seats, to have their teeth brushed, to go into school, to go home after a play date, to leave a theme park, to get their arses off the ASDA aisle floor..... it's a part of parenting is it not?

[Crinkle77]

Yes the father was in the wrong. I am.not disputing that but I am saying don't blame the barber. Children have to do things they don't want to do all the time do you have to exert your power over them everyday. However this was extreme i doubt that. You should direct your anger towards the father and I would question whether I want my son around a man like that.

[clairemcnam]

Whatever you think about this, it is not legally assault. And I doubt a judge would look kindly on this being used as a reason to not allow access or insist on supervised access.
I base the latter statement on quite a few instances where judges have insisted fathers have unsupervised access after far worse incidences than this.

[clairemcnam]

OP in terms of what you do, you need to talk to your ex about this. Did you talk to him about your decision to agree that your DS would not have his hair cut? Because if not, then your ex may feel he does not need to talk to you to get your DS hair cut.

I am surprised that the barber cut his hair. Not because I think it is assault, but I am surprised that a barber could be bothered dealing with a crying child. Anywhere I have known, they would just say to bring them back another time when they are calmer.

[BlimeyCalmDown]

Yes I am very surprised the barber cut a visibly distressed child's hair.

I also think referring to your son as 'the boy' is odd.

The father was definitely BU.

[nokidshere]

Blimy, my poor children have been made to do a great many things they they didn't want to do (and sometimes cried and screamed about) over their 17 & 20 yrs. I am their parent, I got to decide certain things whether that was haircuts, clothes, homework, bedtimes or whatever. Autonomy comes as they are growing up and are able to make decisions for themselves or provide a reasonable argument for their case.

The problem you have here is that you and ex are using your children to prove a point which is despicable behaviour however you look at it. I'm also surprised that the barber didn't turn him away and ask him to come back when (if) he was calmer.

[crispysausagerolls]

I don’t understand this - surely your son is not allowed long hair at school and therefore it needs to be cut? I think it’s a bit silly to just allow children to make so many decisions for themselves for goodness sake, where does it end? Is he allowed ice cream for breakfast?! No, it’s not nice that his father did it against his will, but how many parents have had to force their children to brush their teeth or take a bath?! He is their father, surely he has as much as a say as you do?

[NannyRed]

You kniw yanbu, what their dad did was abuse!

[glamorousgrandmother]

I don’t understand this - surely your son is not allowed long hair at school and therefore it needs to be cut?
Why would it not be allowed at school? I work in a secondary school and some of the boys have waist length hair.

[Rubusfruticosus]

I don’t understand this - surely your son is not allowed long hair at school and therefore it needs to be cut? That would only be a rule at an some independent schools surely? My dc's school just requires children with long hair to tie it back.

[havingabadhairday]

DS is six. Some things are non negotiable, cleaning teeth, say, or minimum number of baths per week. Other things are based on his choices, hair cuts and length of hair is one of those and I think that's reasonable.

Dealing with a tantrumming child in Asda is not the same as forcibly dragging a child to a barber for a hair cut they clearly don't want and that isn't necessary for their health or wellbeing.

[larrygrylls]

I make my boys have their hair cut. They are a bit older and deprivation of IPad time does the job.

I think that making a child without trying to persuade him or going home and trying again the following week is poor parenting.

However, ultimately kids do sometimes be made to do things. As they grow up they can be given age appropriate responsibility for decisions. But I would not let my 8 and 9 year olds have whatever hair styles they chose.

I suspect lots of virtue signalling parents love the idea of a boy with waist length hair but what if they wanted a skin 1 cut and were prepared to do it themselves? Would you take the clippers off them by force or let them go for it?

Abuse, no way! Poor parenting and parents using their son as a pawn in their own arguments...,yes, I think so.

[clairemcnam]

havingabadhairday Although in general I agree with you. I think it is about a difference in parenting styles. So no I would not force a 6 year old to have a haircut, but I would force them to sit at a table and eat their dinner. Others would disagree with me. We all have different opinions about what we make our kids do.

[Rubusfruticosus]

I suspect lots of virtue signalling parents love the idea of a boy with waist length hair but what if they wanted a skin 1 cut and were prepared to do it themselves? Would you take the clippers off them by force or let them go for it? A number 1 cut is against my dc's school uniform policy, long hair tied back neatly is fine, so it is not comparable.

[Smidge001]

My parents always forced me to have my hair cut as a child. I wasn't allowed to choose my own style and grow it long until I was 15. Got bullied at school for having a boys (short) haircut (I'm a girl) but tbh it hasn't done me any harm, and I love my parents to pieces. I can't get that bothered about children having tantrums and not wanting their own way. It's up to the parents Imo for something like a haircut.

[Bluelonerose]

At 5 I think a child has a right over what to do with their own hair to a point.

Op had agreed her son could have long hair if he kept it tidy ie. Requiring trimming occasionally.
If the child looked like cousin it I could imagine a parent dragging them into a hairdresser but other than that let it be it's only hair.

[GerryblewuptheER]

Aw your poor ds

Long hair looks nice on boys and as long as its kept manageable and tied back he shouldn't he forced into having ot cut off cos his dad thinks he needs a "mans" cut.

I'd go nuts

[nocoolnamesleft]

Oh for fuck's sake. I presume he's a homophobic bastard who was worried his son would catch the gay? Horrible.

[larrygrylls]

A lot of people seem to have their red lines (e.g number of baths per week). They just don’t agree with the father’s. (Oh, and even one bath a week is not a health risk!)

Parents get to choose (within reason) their own red lines and enforce them. Ideally both parents should compromise and agree, otherwise the poor child gets very confused.

[Thesearmsofmine]

Poor boy, I would be cross about this. I am surprised a hairdresser agreed to cut it.

I have three sons and the older two (youngest is only 2) choose their own hairstyles. One has it very short and the other keeps his longer. Why shouldn’t they be given the choice about how they want to look as long as it fits within the rules of any school they attend.

[LovingLola]

Another one post poster ....

[larrygrylls]

People say that as long as their kids make a choice they are comfortable with. If they don’t, they are v quick to change their tone. V short skirts on pre teen girls? Nazi type memorabilia? Thought not.

Parents make choices in what yhey perceive to be their own children’s best interests, and that is how it should be.

[Rubusfruticosus]

People say that as long as their kids make a choice they are comfortable with. My dc has had haircuts within the full range of 'school acceptable', from a number 4 all over to long and tied back.

[Alsohuman]

Nazi memorabilia is the same as a hairstyle? Only on MN. I imagine the badly cut hair is an indication of the struggle that went on in the chair. The child’s father is a sadist bastard and this was nothing to do with hair and everything to do iwith power games.