Boy forced to have haircut against his will

[Roofio20]

I know this has kind of been covered in other threads but this is a bit different.
My boy (5yo) wanted to grow his hair so I said okay, so long as we can trim it so it's not in his eyes, that's fine, and if it gets really long he'd have to think about wearing it up at school so he didn't get nits, which he was fine with.
Last weekend, their Dad came to visit as he does when he feels like it, took them out for 6hrs, and when they came back, my boy's hair had been cut really badly. Now, I wouldn't have minded if the boy had wanted to get his hair cut, but my 7yo girl said it was horrible because their dad had dragged the boy into the barbers, that the boy had hung onto the door frame, not wanting to go in, then had cried all the way through. He was still upset when they were dropped off. If the boy had wanted it doing, regardless of it being a bad cut, I wouldn't have minded but that the boy had been forced to do this completely against his will, I have a massive issue with. He could see, it wasn't untidy, it was just long. Am I out of order for being cross about my son being forced to do something he really didn't want to?

[Roofio20]

Thank you all for your insights. You're right, I have no idea about 'ds' or 'dd' as this is my first post. I have been busy all day with the kids, we had jujitsu (good for the discipline), then went and ate fancy pie whilst feeding the fancy ducks at the fancy duck pond haha
Apologies to those who think it's weird/creepy I call him 'the boy'. I also have 'the girl' it's a regional thing I think, no offence was intended.
I did email his dad (he can't have my number or he just sends abuse and rings me to tell me what a vile human being I am, it only been 5 years since we split, the boy was 3months old, the girl 2.5, it was not healthy for us to be there with him anymore).
I emailed along the lines of 'both the kids were very upset today about him being forced into the barbers. You know he wanted to grow it and it was recently trimmed. Please respect his wishes next time' to which the reply was 'how about f**k off' (bit longer than that but that was the very last line.
For context, I bring these kids up on my own, and have done with minimal input from him for the past five years. I send him updates (learning to ride a bike, new sports/instruments they have shown an interest in etc.), forwarded preschool and now primary school reports so he knows how they're getting on academically. I have never stopped him seeing the kids, apart from the one time he tried to break into my house in the middle of the night by kicking my front door in, then i got a solicitor. He refused supervised contact at the childrens centre and eventually settled on bringing a family member with him when he visited, which he did more regularly (twice a month) for 18months in which time there were no further violent outbursts and the children were happy to go with him again. So he started visiting with them again on his own last May 10-4 on a Saturday 1 or 2 times a month, and there have been no untoward moments, according to 7yo dd.
These kids are good kids, they are kind and thoughtful for the giants they are, they are respectful to adults and other kids alike (they're not perfect, if hungry or tired it's an 'approach with caution/snacks' situation), they are (mostly) good at listening and I afford them the respect they deserve of a woman who was told that getting pregnant was 'highly unlikely even with intervention' due to endometriosis, one surprise baby 8 years later later, followed by one planned. Neither of them want their hair cutting but will both have a trim when needed, hair isn't a big thing to me, so long as it's cleaned and brushed, so I thought it would be a good place to start regarding their autonomy and responsibility towards their own bodies.
My concern was that he's had something done to him that he didn't want. Now, sometimes, he doesn't want to put his shoes on to go to school, but it happens because it's school, he's going, that's that. But this wasn't one of those. We'd had a good talk about why he didn't want his hair cutting, we chose a plan of action, and were following through. His dad had already said to him that he needed to go to the barbers on a previous visit but ds had said no, and I thought that was the end of it. Unfortunately not. This time, their dad said to him 'you do as you're told, i'm the adult and I'm telling you you're having your hair cut, you don't get to choose' or something along those lines from what I could gather from both ds and dd reiterating the situation to me. My issue is that ds thoughts and feelings regarding his body were completely ignored, that he was told he had no choice, that he was very upset about it, his sister was upset about it, and that their dad was really bloody rude when I tried to address it with him (not a surprise but I was hoping things had improved, I was very wrong).
I wanted a broader view on it, which you have all kindly taken time out of your day to do, and for that I'd like to say thank you.

[GabsAlot]

id say stop the contact again and gt some advise hes clearly abusive going by past experience
him telling you to fuck off says it all

go back to court your kids arent there to be his pawns to get back at you

[RandomMess]

If your DC want to stop contact I would 100% support them in that. I think this will be the start of him throwing his weight around and emotionally abusing them.

I would speak to the barbers and see if you can get them to confirm what happened in writing?

[YouSayPotatoesISayVodka]

My son has long hair (for a boy) and periodically likes to have it cut a bit shorter but mostly likes having hair “just like Thor”. I would go nuclear if someone- anyone- cut either of my children’s hair against their will. If my ex did this I don’t think either of my kids would go back to his again and I certainly wouldn’t be forcing them to.

[Roofio20]

They have both said they don't want to see him at the mo, which I have said is fine. I'll figure a way to deal with the fall out from that. They still speak to him on the phone and, when he does ring, it's all promises of trampolining or swimming or the funfair or the cinema and sweets when he next sees them. But I won't send them if they don't want to go. Again, their decision.

[Roofio20]

I will see if the kids can point out the barbers and make inquiries. Very good idea!

[Sassysolly08]

I'd offer to do ''dad's washing'' one time offer only; and throw in a load of fibreglass with his undies. Then gladly hand the dried articles over to him when he came to pick up DC. Then DC could have a laugh at Dad's expense!

[Sassysolly08]

p.s: okay not fibreglass; poison ivy!

[Treaclesweet]

Incorrect @clairemcnam it is ABH.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1508091/Its-a-crime-to-cut-off-a-womans-hair.html

[Inliverpool1]

It won’t be their decision at that age, you’ll be expected to drag them screaming to their dads you could end up
In court if you don’t.
You need a prohibitive steps order ASAP otherwise if you leave it any time at all it’ll be minimised.

[clairemcnam]

Treacle Yes I know it is a crime to do it to an adult, but no not a crime to do it to a child.
Children are legally treated as different to adults.
So you can legally force young kids to take medical treatment, you can not do this to adults. You can physically wrestle a child into a car seat, it is a crime to physically wrestle an adult into a seatbelt.

That does not mean I agree with it, I don't. But it is not a crime.

[CheshireChat]

See, my kid used to get quite upset at the barber's as he didn't like the noise from the shaver, but he occasionally had to have a trim. In fact, he's now a lot calmer as it's been explained that he can keep his hair long, but he has to keep still whilst he's getting it done.

Your DD is at the age she'd be asked if she actually wants to see her dad so it's just your DS who is in the middle.

[Fiveredbricks]

It's abuse. Back to court.

[RhymingRabbit]

Car seat = safety

Medicine= health

Hair cut = abuse

[Mummyshark2019]

Why does the boy not want to cut his hair? Is he scared or for another reason? I agree with some of the other posters. As a parent you need to discuss with the kid but ultimately you make the decision. I certainly would not allow my son to have long hair at this young age. He can do what he wants when he's grown.

[Alsohuman]

What’s wrong with long hair?

[Willow2017]

I don't think it's unreasonable for your child to have his hair cut.

The child had hair cuts already to keep his hair neat. It doesmt need to be short to be neat and tidy or clean.

What is the difference between a girl having neat long hair and a boy having neat long hair?

The hairdresser should not have gone near the child in that state its hardly going to build confidemce in haircuts in the child is it? No hairdresser i know would have touched them.

If it had been a girl would that have been ok to or are girls supposed to have long hair so they dont need forced haircuts?

My boys had long hair up until p6 when they decided to have a change. Nobody batted an eyelid. If anyone had forced them to have it all cut off i would have done the same to them. How vile can you be to your own child?

[GerryblewuptheER]

Why does the boy not want to cut his hair? Is he scared or for another reason? I agree with some of the other posters. As a parent you need to discuss with the kid but ultimately you make the decision. I certainly would not allow my son to have long hair at this young age. He can do what he wants when he's grown

If hes scared then having it done against his will is not going to help that
Especially badly done and such a dramatic change.

And

Why shouldn't a boy have long hair. Provided its lept trimmed, clean and manageable.

I'll take one good reason.

Schools allow long hair on girls so its manageable on boys too.

[Rubusfruticosus]

I certainly would not allow my son to have long hair at this young age.
Would you allow a daughter to have long hair?

[angelikacpickles]

I don’t understand this - surely your son is not allowed long hair at school and therefore it needs to be cut?

@crispysausagerolls

Surely you are aware that different schools have different rules?! My children's school has no rules about hair for boys or girls.

[llangennith]

DGS Hayes the idea of going for a haircut as do most of his friends but they go because the grown ups insist.
Your situation is entirely different. Stop all contact.

[llangennith]

hates not Hayes ffs

[Nonibaloni]

Ds has the long in top shaved at the sides style that’s quite fashionable at the moment (does it have a name?). He hates getting his hair cut but loves the outcome, so I arrange the haircuts and make him go, badger him through the 20mins and then it’s over.
Completely different from op situation.
Dad sounds like a pig and will have left a permanent mark on the boys life (i refer to my Ds and dp as the boy).
I guess all you can do now is reassure Ds it’ll grow back.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

I'd be livid it's beyond cruel to do that to a child. I wouldn't allow him to be alone with dc again unless I could be sure that there wouldn't be a repeat.