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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was it planned...

65 replies

Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 14:29

Is it me or is it entirely unreasonable to be quizzing someone if they planned to get pregnant.

14 weeks. Grown adult. Decent job and long term partner and 4 times my bloody mother has now asked if it was planned.

I personally think it’s none of her bloody business. So far I’m ignoring the question but She keeps asking!

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 01/03/2019 14:30

‘Mum I don’t ask you about your sex life, please don’t ask me about mine’ should do it!

Congrats Flowers

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 01/03/2019 14:35

Just deny all knowledge and tell her his penis must have fell in while you were alseep...

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/03/2019 14:36

My mom asked me with both pregnancies if they were planned and it didn’t bother me.

ryanreynolds · 01/03/2019 14:38

My boss asked me this...pretty awkward...!

I think people sometimes panic for something to say and then it's definitely not the right thing!

Catsick36 · 01/03/2019 14:39

I had a lady at work ask me that, she's a random not even a close colleague. I totally lost my rag and said what kind of question is that to ask someone that's just told you they're pregnant! Usually you say congratulations. I haven't spoken to her since.

Original poster
Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 14:42

@GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat

She just asked again so I’m trying that line!

OP posts:
Redskyandrainbows67 · 01/03/2019 14:45

It’s probably the fact you aren’t married.

I would suggest you get married before your baby comes - not because I’m old fashioned (I’m not) but because you are about to take a massive hit on your earning power, income, looks and time. You are better protected married.
Something like 70% of unmarried parents split up before the baby is a child. Protect yourself! This is what your mum is thinking.

AfterSchoolWorry · 01/03/2019 14:49

Just frown and say 'why do you keep asking that?'

CountessVonBoobs · 01/03/2019 14:52

I do find this a really weird question to ask. If you're announcing the pregnancy clearly you're keeping the baby and even if you secretly have mixed feelings the only appropriate reaction is "Congratulations!" But it's an even weirder question for your mother to ask you.. four times.

She's being an arse, and clearly on some level she thinks it wasn't planned...? Or it disturbs her that you could be mature/settled enough to plan a pregnancy?

grinningcheshirecat · 01/03/2019 14:54

Well... I have asked a young studying cousin if she was happy to be pregnant. It wasn't planned and she wasn't happy at first but thought it might be her only chance to become a mother due to severe ovulation problems and decided to keep it. It was a difficult time for her at first.

I've also had a colleague find out she was pregnant after it was to late to abort (not in UK). She was very unhappy about it and hated that peoples first respons was to congratulate her. Condoleances would have been better in her view. She absolutely hated the whole idea of pregnancy, children and having to be a mother. She came to love the child in the end (after it was about six months old).

I can see why people won't just be happy for you without extra information if your situation looks like it might be unplanned and unwelcome. So congratulations aren't always the best respons imo. No idea what is though.

YetAnotherUser · 01/03/2019 14:54

Tell her something made-up TMI...

"I've only been giving oral lately, but they must have been really strong swimmers..."

"I've been insisting on anal so I don't get preggers but I slept on my front afterwards..."

greendale17 · 01/03/2019 14:55

I genuinely didn’t care when people asked me this and I am quite a private person.

Omzlas · 01/03/2019 14:59

My old boss asked me this and I was genuinely shocked. YANBU.

Another person asked and I just gave them dead eye

One person actually said "Well done!"..... I was speechless

canonlyhopexo · 01/03/2019 15:01

I'm 24. Owned my home with my partner for nearly 3 years. Engaged. Decent stable job. I'm 17 weeks pregnant. "OMG... was that planned!?" Has been a reaction from anyone that's not immediate or close family. It winds me up and I think it's rude to ask. Our baby was very much planned and wanted even more so after we had a diagnosis of a disease that would negatively effect my fertility.

MyBreadIsEggy · 01/03/2019 15:02

I do find it weird, but it Could be worse....I’m pregnant with DC3 (already have a 3yo and a 2yo) and when we told her about this baby, my mother asked “Haven’t you figured out what causes it yet?!” Hmm

Original poster
Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 15:02

@Redskyandrainbows67 nope. He is about to take a massive hit on his finances. I will be working full time on a wage more than double his. Thanks for thinking of me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 15:04

Ps it’s a deliberate choice not to get married. You know the ex can try to get your pension and maintenance when you get divorced if you’re the higher wage owner. Been there. He cheated and then tried to go for my pension etc. No way I’m opening up that possibility again.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/03/2019 15:09

Do you have issues with your mother? I can't say this question bothered me personally, but clearly it does you. Was it not planned and you feel sensitive?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/03/2019 15:10

I got asked if 3rd and 4th were planned.
I get asked if I've been married before as I've got 4.
I got asked if we kept trying till we got a girl. (4th is only girl)
Some people are just rude.

DishingOutDone · 01/03/2019 15:13

I had my first baby at 38 after being married for 12 years. I had someone ask me if I was planning to have an abortion, and MiL told DH "she's REALLY trapped you now son" ... Hmm

Alsohuman · 01/03/2019 15:13

Didn’t bother me in the slightest when my mum asked. I just said yes and that was the end of it.

IHeartKingThistle · 01/03/2019 15:14

I would be Hmmif a random person asked me this, but not my mum!

Original poster
Karigan195 · 01/03/2019 15:16

@Bluntness100 are you my mother and this is a different way of getting the answer? 😝

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/03/2019 15:17

My MIL asked this. I found it incredibly rude.