To not let friend's DC use my car seat??

[bubblegumbottles]

Okay, I'm half expecting to get a good old MN lashing for this but here goes.

The incident has come and gone, I'm just genuinely curious to know if I'm completely bonkers or if anyone else would have felt the same.

Recently decided to go for a day trip with a friend of mine and her 1 year old DS. She doesn't drive so I agreed to drive and we agreed that she would bring the car seat she uses in her mum's car to put in mine for the day.
When I arrived at her house, she had forgotten to pick up the car seat from her mum's. When I asked what we were going to do, she said 'oh well I just assumed DS could use yours'.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my first DC and so have had a new car seat that my MIL bought us in the car to practise getting it in and out etc. I was a bit put out by this suggestion as it's my first child and quite a lot of money has been spent on this car seat, I really dislike the idea of my DC not being the first to use it. Friend's DS is like any other kid and makes a mess very easily so I didn't really fancy the idea of my unborn DC's things being used and soiled before she's even had a chance to use them!

Now my friend lives right by a big Argos so I offered to nip round there and pick up (and pay for) a new car seat for about £40 so not the fanciest but will do the job and she could then keep the car seat as a spare so she doesn't have to keep swapping the car seat out of her mum's every time someone else is driving.
Friend told me this was a 'fucking ridiculous idea' and that I was 'just being precious' about my baby's things. 'She's not even born yet, she doesn't care who uses her stuff'. And then went on to say I obviously wasn't bothered about her DS's safety to put him in a cheap car seat!

AIBU to be completely shocked by this or is my friend being a CF?!

Your response was unpredictable and I would have never guessed it but I totally understand where you are coming from it's your car seat and your choice.

Sorry I think you sound bonkers, I also think getting used to putting a car seat in and out your car 8 weeks before your due date is also extreme, it’s a car seat not rocket science. Surely people simply read the instructions, try it once and put it away until it’s needed.

@zen, our car seat is for ages 0 - 4, it rear faces and forward faces, pretty sure most car seats are 0 - 4 or 0 - 8 or 4 - 8 now or you can buy a capsule which is usually 0 - 6mnth roughly.

@catching babies, our hospital recommends having them in the car from 36 weeks, also by putting them in early it gives you a chance to check they are not faulty and needing returning, saves having them in the house etc, also not sure why you would put it in and then take it out until closer to due date if you don't need the spare seat in the car?

If you bought a new expensive outfit for a specific event, and a friend told you that they had forgotten their own outfit for an important event, would you lend them yours even if you hadn't worn it yet?
Not sure it’s really the same, you can say no eating/drinking in the seat and it’s a baby sitting in it for a brief trip which is hardly comparable to an adult wearing a dress all day. But yes I would lend a friend an expensive outfit I hadn’t worn yet on the condition they had it dry cleaned afterwards and returned it promptly.

@stoppinby your hospital is making up their own guidance, that’s not national guidance at all, it would be difficult to pick up a fault that wasn’t immediately obvious using it without a baby in anyway.

Plus having it in the car empty for weeks (are you making sure it’s secure every time as if not it’s a deadly projectile in an accident) increases the risk of being sun damaged (this weakens the straps over time) or being involved in an accident which then means you need to replace it having never been used.

8 weeks of practising is crazy.

@ILoveMaxiBondi because that's where they go. I had set them up for lying baby down on. They have the twinkly lights above them etc.

Well for a start, get rid of the "friend", she clearly saw you coming.

And although the sensible part of me sees that its just a thing, I would have felt the same about my daughters car seat and she was the youngest of 6! A new thing for a new baby should, barring emergencies, be first used by that baby.

If you wanted used you would've saved some money and bought used, you didn't. She clearly did it on purpose without asking you, that is enough to make me say no tbh

OMG it's just a seat. Use it!

I'm sure your PFB won't mind.

I think you're being ridiculously precious. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask my friend to drag a heavy clunky car seat from her mum's house (not even her own so she had to make an extra journey essentially) to mine just so her DC could use that instead of the brand new one I had. Like her DC isnt good enough to use it or something. If my friend turned up with the car seat I'd have been surprised because I'd have expected she use the one I had. And if the tables were turned and a friend asked me to bring my own car seat when I knew they had their own unused one - I wouldn't bother meeting up. If my friend values a pristine baby car seat over me and my child - then she's not worth seeing. Don't deny it - by essentially asking your friend to transport and heavy clunky car seat and her kid (+ whatever else she'd have to carry and add to the weight like nappy bag, snacks for the kid, purse etc - once you've had your kid you will realise how much shit you have to carry around when you try to leave the house) from her mum's house to yours - just so you can avoid lending your car seat to her DC - shows you value the car seat over her. Offering to buy the argos one sounds nice - but really it would have added insult to injury. Almost as if to say you're so desperate NOT to have her child sit in it, you'd rather buy some shitty cheap alternative for her kid to use. If my friend did this, I'd think she clearly thinks my kid is dirt and that my time and comfort means nothing to her otherwise she'd have never asked me to drag a car seat all the way from my mum's when she has one I could have used. You're being ridiculous and frankly a bad friend.

Ah OP just think soon when your little one is here your immaculate car seat will have had baby vomit and Sh$t on it on a regular basis when your little bundle of joy has a poonami. Yabu in the nicest way, my first are seat was second hand and hardly used and it was still a special occasion bringing my child home from the hospital in it

I'm 100% with you on this bubblegumbottles. I don't think ur being ridiculously precious at all. You are being a normal amount of precious for your newborn. I remember taking my newborn dd home from the hospital. It felt wonderful and special and exciting to take her home. So, I think it's a special occasion and it's perfectly normal to want your newborn to be the first to use his/her car seat. If your friend or anyone else calls you precious, hold your head up high and say yes I am and I'm aloud to be on this occasion. Then give her a look that dares her to say another word on it. Fwiw I would never insist that my baby use someone's never been used carseat intended for their own newborn. I think your friend is being a cf and should have respected your feelings about the matter. I would be careful that she isn't one of those give an inch takes a mile type of person.

ZippyBungleandGeorge
If you wanted used you would've saved some money and bought used, you didn't.

This

God those people who say 'wait til your baby is here making a mess and vomiting' are annoying. It's like when people say 'you think you're tired now, wait until the baby is here'.

Your seat, your feelings, that's the way it is.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I had a seat ruined by a poonami from a friends wee one. In the end could get everything stripped and cleaned enough.
I use extended rear facing, dd1 just gone ff at 6 and don't mind others using seats, saves me taking them out, but i do cringe when they get trashed more than my kids are allowed to.
At the end of the day your friend should have had her seat or phoned you. What was her plan if you turned up seatless?

It wouldn’t have occurred to me to do anything other than put the baby in the car seat. It’s only a car seat, not a hand made item from great Aunty Daisy ‍🤷🏻‍♀️

You don’t sound like you actually like her though, so what’s the deal?

@bubblegumbottles I went and bought the seat.
I figured from somewhere like Argos, a car seat is going to pass the legal requirements and be safe enough for occasional use

This is a mistake. Smoking is legal but doesn’t make it safe, even occasionally. You are just as likely to have an accident on an “occasional” journey than a routine one.

Lots of car seats on the market are not fit for purpose. The crash test requirements are actually very poor and done at very low speed- they do not replicate a typical crash at all. When purchasing your next car seat for your PFB please ensure you do proper research. The Facebook group car seat advice is excellent.

As for people saying a 1 year old wouldn’t fit in a new horn seat- rear facing infant carriers are designed to last to 13kg- around age 15 months for many children. They are not outgrown until you hit the weight limit, or the child’s eyes are in line with the top of the seat shell.

For what it’s worth- I think you were unfair. I would have allowed a friend of mine to use my seat no problem.

There’s levels to the PFB shit, who knew!

@catchingbabies...... I am sorry.... why the hell would the car seat not be permanently anchored? Of course it is not a projectile, it is anchored in the rear of the car and by the seat belt.... like all car seats.

The hospital suggests it in case you go in to labour early as it's one less thing to worry about.

also @carchingbabies car seats have an 8 year life span (reduced recently from 10), pretty sure a few extra months aint going to make a difference in the scheme of things......

and if I was in an accident I assure you the car seat would be the least of my worries.

32 weeks and you have a car seat in your car? Fucking hell, just let her use it. Ridiculous.

If you are the kind of person that is practicing with a car seat from 32 weeks I would wager you are the kind of person that wouldn’t let someone else borrow it too. Honestly, this is the first I have heard of anyone doing this. How much practice does it really require?!

I can understand your instinctive reaction to want to keep new things for your baby. I think deep down we would all feel the same way if it was something new for a first baby. I wouldn’t refuse to let someone use it though as it would find it precious and embarrassing.

If you bought a new expensive outfit for a specific event, and a friend told you that they had forgotten their own outfit for an important event, would you lend them yours even if you hadn't worn it yet?

I would. I wouldn’t want to, but I would. It’s a friend not a stranger and I am not a selfish and inconsiderate person. I would expect it dry cleaned before being returned of course.

I do not understand the issue people have with someone getting a car seat early! So what if the OP had bought it at 20 weeks, who cares? Do we have to buy everything in the last 10 days just to prove how chilled out we are about it all? Is 36 weeks ok to buy it, 34 a bit soon and 32 RIDICULOUS?! I just don’t get that at all.

I don’t think YABU OP, though I can see how it might seem that way, but I would have felt the same, and usually am generous with possessions, money, my time etc. The letting someone borrow a new dress example wouldn’t really bother me-but I’m not that into clothes, I can see how someone who was wouldn’t like it. I’ve also never had a poo or vomit disaster in either of my car seats in nearly 3 years, for all those people saying your car seat will soon be trashed anyway- it might not be!