AIBU to tell husband that if he wants to have his mum to stay every weekend he should be there?

[icanonlyeverdomybest]

My husband invites his mum to come and stay most weekends, but then leaves me to entertain her and goes out himself. AIBU to tell him to either stop inviting her to stay or to only invite her if he is going to be present to entertain her?

I agree with above poster, be careful she doesn't end up moving in as 'she's around so much already!'

Do you ever speak with your OH?

icanonlyeverdomybest

Your DH is being a selfish ass, but I would advise not getting into an argument with him. I would sit them both down together and tell them calmly that you don't like it, you don't find it acceptable and you will no longer be going along with it. You won't cook for her unless you've invited her and neither will you be altering your day. Don't be drawn into reasons. Just say it's lovely they like each other so much and you are quite happy for them to spend time together. But you have other things in your life as well so you will be limiting the weekends you spend hosting your MIL. No more reasoning than that. No more excuses than that. Deny any other responsibility to them. Keep your voice low and calm. If they shout then ignore and walk off, email or text them the rest of your "speech" if you were unable to finish it. Don't be turned. If they try to negotiate, don't. Tell them you've tried talking and got no where, now you're putting your foot down.

Then do that. If your MiL turns up, be polite and friendly but go out or stay in your room. Put the TV on to what you want to watch. Make your weekends your own again. Don't make the bed for her. Don't make tea for her. Don't stay in the room engaging in conversation you don't want to have. Ignore any shouting or leave the house. If she has a key and she leaves it lying around, take it.

If she stops coming then, in a few weeks, invite her to stay and treat as you'd like to treat a guest you've welcomed into your home.

If she doesn't and her presence is an annoyance (as I would expect it to be) or worse, start talking to solicitors.

There is so much disrespect for you from your DH and MiL you would be better off out of that marriage if you can't turn it around completely.

My best friend was in exactly the same situation. It got worse as she started moving by stealth. Initially she was there Friday to Sunday, then she' stay Monday then start angling not to go back until Tuesday.

Also despite the fact there was a bus which went from practically outside her house to my friend's home she decided she couldn't use public transport for various nefarious reasons so expected to be ferried door to door. Again friend was expected to do this despite having two children under three plus take her on random trips to the supermarket. Again husband was noticable by her abscence.

After seething for months it finally came to a head when she returned from work to find MIL laying on her bed, in her bedroom watching tv. Apparently she found it more comfortable to watch tv in the bedroom than sat on on a settee in the living-room.

Friend finally flipped and various home truths came out and MIL was ordered from the house. Yes it was very frosty in her household for sometime but I think husband had finally realised he'd pushed it too far. Now MIL comes when invited (maybe once a month). MIL has now made more of an effort to find a social life in her locality and not become totally dependent on her DIL for company and entertainment.

Also the family are white British so no cultural issues just a son who wanted to remain the golden child but expected his wife to do the actual work.

After seething for months it finally came to a head when she returned from work to find MIL laying on her bed, in her bedroom watching tv. Apparently she found it more comfortable to watch tv in the bedroom than sat on on a settee in the living-room. WOW! That's some CF-ery right there!

Just make a plan to go out next weekend and meet friends for lunch with the baby.

Mummyoflittledragon,

Thanks - I am new to mumsnet (well, two weeks or so) but I am sporadically active on a couple of other forums that focus on family, marital and interpersonal dynamics - I imagine that there's a crossover in parlance that you're picking up on!

Just go out. If your friends aren't free then do stuff alone - swim, spa, cafe, bookshop, museum, gym... Just be gone all day.

CoraPirbright

What a lovely, generous thing to say. I'm actually blushing.

I'm by no means an expert, but I have experience with toxic family dynamics.

Now I'm hoping I wasn't too forceful. I personally appreciate directness in others, but it is a fine line to walk and the last thing I want is to alienate someone who's seeking advice and not yet sure of themselves.

Threads like these bring out my mama-bear-by-proxy, though - you know, where what's being described is the twentieth round of a kind, generous but not-particularly-assertive person getting repeatedly chewed up and spat out by the people that purport to love her until she's forced to grow thorns just to protect her right to equal personhood.

...I mean, people should be able to be soft with family, you know? Without being taken advantage of.

It should be self-evident to the man who made a vow to love OP and put her first that her experience, her needs, her feelings, her autonomy should matter just as much as his.

OP just wants to live her life and enjoy her nuclear family, but compromised what she wanted early on in her marriage in order to do a nice thing for her husband and her MIL.

...And she has been soundly stomped on by both of them ever since.

Those two people for whom she went out of her way have repaid her generosity of spirit by continually dismissing, devaluing and oppressing her.

It's disgraceful.

husband wouldn’t be able to stay with her as she lives in a 1 bed flat
So?
He can sleep on the sofa or blow up mattress on the living room floor!
Shouldn't be too hard considering how tightly he's tied to those apron strings.

Of course husband could stay with her!

OP, do you realise that if you don't put a stop to this, or leave him (my preferable course of action) when she gets older and needs to be cared for, it will be YOU who will be expected to take on that role?

Did he portray a completely different personality before you married him? Pretending that he believed men and women were equal partners, and household chores and parenting would be shared equally?
Because if he did, then you could leave him, as he's not the man you thought he was.

If he was like this before though, then I don't understand why you married him, and went on to have a child with him.

I still think you should LTB. He's not going to change.

I’d just go out. Why is he doing that??

You don’t need to LTB or go out. You need to say No. Or learn to.

It isn’t that hard. Just look in the calendar, is there a match? If there is, call your MiL and say that this weekend is not convenient but would she like to come on weekend X when DH will be around?

If you don’t feel strong enough to say the above then THAT is your problem not MiL. It is that you have an unequal relationship without normal powers of control over your own space, and without respect from your DH.

You are unhappy with this as I expect most people would be. Others have suggested ways of tackling this, I would suggest that it is reduced to say once a month, or when there is an occasion (birthday, mother's day for example) to be together. DH can have day trips there, surely?