AIBU to tell husband that if he wants to have his mum to stay every weekend he should be there?

[icanonlyeverdomybest]

My husband invites his mum to come and stay most weekends, but then leaves me to entertain her and goes out himself. AIBU to tell him to either stop inviting her to stay or to only invite her if he is going to be present to entertain her?

What is the aversion to spending time alone with your in laws?

Maybe he’s trying to tell you something!

You and your family are not MIL's entertainment.

Your time, your home and your family life are not your husband's resources to spend in order to make his mother happy.

That he so clearly deems his own time, hobbies, activities, goals, preferences etc. as far too valuable to waste on his mother only makes it that much more egregious that he expects you to waste yours.

The thing is, icanonlyeverdomybest, your husband doesn't want to spend time with his mother. Maybe he doesn't even like her, and maybe there's good reason for that. Maybe she's toxic/abusive/boundary stomping/self-serving/narcissistic/engulfing/whatever. Maybe not. Maybe she's just annoying or dull.

...Regardless, he feels conflicted about not really caring about developing and maintaining a relationship with his mother, and like many men in this situation, he doesn't want to feel even the slightest bit of disomfort or guilt, so he foists his 'problem' off on you, his wife (and any children) to bear.

He gets to feel like a 'good son'.

She is placated and doesn't nag him or have to think about why her son doesn't want to spend time with her or what behaviour on her part may have led to that. Being entertained and having her emotional and social needs met by your nuclear family means she also doesn't have to worry about going to the effort of making friends and having her own life.

The only one that suffers is you, whose life is being held hostage every single week by other (selfish, inconsiderate) people's plans. And also your children, if you have them.

...But your husband isn't bothered about that, because he gets to avoid feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

So stop making it comfortable.

Reduce visits to only those when your husband is present and fully engaged.

He wanders off to the garage to tinker, disappears into his phone or makes a commitment with a friend? You say, "Okay MIL, lovely to to see you but it looks like this visit is over. See you next time!" Every. Single. Time.

I would book myself in somewhere on the saturday and sunday mornings. E.g prepaid exercise class/yoga then somewhere for lunch afterwards. This will give you a break from it.

"...I am deemed to be unreasonable by her because I expect him to help with baby, sometimes he cooks oh and I feel entitled to my own life, and I’m deemed as unreasonable by him as I don’t want to drop my plans at all times to suit him/ his mother..."

"...She is very much a ‘women exist to serve men’ type, dinner should always be on the table when he gets home, his hobbies before mine, don’t request he assists with looking after baby type. I feel that it’s just expected to be my duty to entertain her, after all he’s male so should do what he wants, when he wants. I just find it hard because if I say something to him (or her) I am made out to be the unreasonable one. .."

With this additional information, I would allow no weekend stays whatsoever, for at least a year, if not longer. She needs to learn her place, and to keep her misogynistic opinions to herself.

How dare she subjugate you in your own home. How dare she presume to express any authority or disapproval whatsoever about how your marriage works, how you run your home, parent, or otherwise live your life.

A wiser woman, who was as 'lonely' as her, would not bite the hand that feeds her.

As a busy mother with a young child, it was incredibly generous of you to allow any weekend sleepover visits at all, much less regular ones, much much less every weekend.

...After all, it's not like you were doing it for your benefit. Or your child's benefit. It was done literally for your MIL, who has no life and wanted entertainment, and your husband who wants all the accollades of being a good son with none of the effort. Both of whom are disrespecting and taking advantage of you.

I mean this kindly, i canonlyeverdomybest: you have been a doormat. This disrespect and disregard for your autonomy, space, wants and needs will only get worse and more entrenched if you don't put a stop to it now. Think about the kind of life you want, the kind of marriage you want, the kind of relationship you want to model for your children.

What?!? Oh my god. Put a stop to it.

Ducking hell - you need to knock that on the head because you're allowing history to repeat itself if you don't.

Practice your 'tinkly laugh' whilst saying oh that's a very outdated attitude these days, that's not happening in my house husband and wife are in it together, it's not divide and rule here I'm afraid, I have a life and want/need a life
Too

There is no way I would put up with this.

Ce7913
Nothing more to add. Completely nailed it in your two posts. I imagine you are a name changer. You don’t read like a newbie.

Yes, follow these instructions.

What is the aversion to spending time alone with your in laws?

I don't think it's that. It's probably not being able to make any alternative weekend plans because she is expected to stay at home and look after her mother in law because her husband has better things to do.

OP stop lying down and letting people treat you as a doormat! It's one thing to be kind and thoughtful but quite another let people take advantage of your good nature. If you allow this situation to continue it will only get worse. Find your courage and build some boundaries.

Yes having read all the OP's updates this does sound off. I'm lucky my in-laws are fab so I'm happy to entertain them solo but I don't think I'd be happy with this.

Thank you all for your advice. I will/ am taking it on board and will speak to my husband. I have a feeling I know what he’ll say and that it will become an argument as I’ll no doubt be considered as being difficult or something.

She lives an hour away. My child isn’t old enough to stay elsewhere as I’m still breastfeeding at the moment. Also husband wouldn’t be able to stay with her as she lives in a 1 bed flat.

It’s not a case of not liking her/ not wanting to see her, she’s a lovely lady (unless I do something that she disagrees with), I just can’t handle every weekend and don’t see why it’s my plans they always have to change.

Every weekend is really intrusive too.

So every weekend, your OH is also not spending time with you and baby - it's a great way for him to mask his responsibilities OP. He goes off to play sports, leaves baby and mother responsibilities with you. It works entirely for him but NOT AT ALL for you.

This is a bigger issue that MIL visits.
What would you want from this OP?

If she's there every weekend, she's not a visitor, she lives there part-time. She doesn't need entertaining. In fact, as a spare adult resident of the house, she can take charge of the kids so OP can go out.

Of course he'll argue back, he's got everything just how he wants it. You need to be strong and out your foot down here.

CE7913. Goodness - your insightful (and forceful!) words are truly admirable. I am guessing you are either a professional in this field or have suffered (or someone close to you suffered) a similar scenario!

OP - ruminate on CE’s excellent words (esp about your free time being currency that your dh feels totally entitled to spend). Sadly the example that his mother has set him all his life - that wives/women are there to serve - is now coming to fruition. He has it all his own way. Time to firmly redraw boundaries but I fear you are facing quite an uphill struggle given how he has been brought up. Good luck.

"...she’s a lovely lady (unless I do something that she disagrees with)..."

If she's only lovely to you as long as you're doing what she says/wants/expects, then she's not lovely at all.

Anyone whose positive treatment of you is contingent upon your moulding yourself to what they want, forgoing or subjugating your own preferences to theirs, or never enacting personal boundaries or saying 'no' or is not a good person, and certainly doesn't respect you.

You quickly find out how much someone cares for and respects you as a person when you tell them 'no'.

it will become an argument as I’ll no doubt be considered as being difficult or something

I despair at how many Mumsnet users seem to have had children with horrible, misogynist, emotionally abusive men who just do whatever the hell they like and shut the woman down if she ever dares to disagree with anything. So fucking depressing.

I'm sorry, OP, he sounds like one of these. I expect you'd rather put up with it than rock the boat and cause massive upheaval. I don't blame you but it's very sad that you have to live this way.

Can you use this selfish set up to your advantage?
Ask MIL to baby sit while you have a lie down, go the gym?
Ask her to cook as she is a much better cook or your husband prefers her cooking ..
It could be a win win ... She can do some housework, you get a free baby sitter or she'll get fed up and come on this forum complaining how she is being taken advantage of 😁

Hayden. I like that! 😁

Does she have any other children she can stay with?? I'd be suggesting a bit of a rota tbh - she'll be moving in with you next.

Another benefit from this set up ... You can go back to work earlier ... You don't have to pay crazy nursery fees ... Go to uni ... I would take advantage of her ... That's what Grandma's with no life of their own and who encraoch onto others lives deserve!!

Sympathies OP. I think you have to put a stop to this now or it will get worse as she gets older. The worst thing is that he’s leaving her with you, take your baby and sit in a cafe for a couple of hours, arrange to see your friends or anything to get out of house. I would not stand for that and I’d have to say something even if it lead to a row.

Yeah that wouldn't happen in my world either,

It sort of happened to me when I was younger, when ever we visited my husband's parents, they would fetch the gran out the nursing home for a visit, then they'd all fuck off and leave me with her,

Till I literally lost it one day and told them all loudly either don't bring her or sit with her, but this was total and utter bullshit. She wasn't my gran. They all silent and deeply mortified and didn't do it again.

So don't take any shit from your husband don't listen to him pretending your unreasonable to get his way, tell him if his mum is here so is he, end of,