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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell husband that if he wants to have his mum to stay every weekend he should be there?

114 replies

icanonlyeverdomybest · 28/02/2019 20:16

My husband invites his mum to come and stay most weekends, but then leaves me to entertain her and goes out himself. AIBU to tell him to either stop inviting her to stay or to only invite her if he is going to be present to entertain her?

OP posts:
Original poster
icanonlyeverdomybest · 28/02/2019 23:14

@hayden555 unfortunately my family all live in a different country.

Yes he is genuinely playing sports, in the summer I often go and watch (because I want to not because it’s expected) or even train with him. In the winter it’s just too cold to be stood around for hours on end.

I don’t think either of them think they are being unreasonable let alone being out of the ordinary, maybe that is how their family have been for generations or something it’s just a world apart from my upbringing, where if you invite someone round you are there yourself to entertain them. If multiple people have stuff they want to do then we worked out what was acheivable and found a happy medium as a family, not one sex had more rights than the other.

OP posts:
Original poster
icanonlyeverdomybest · 28/02/2019 23:16

@anyfucker unfortunately for me I have always had the nature that I want everyone to be happy, I don’t like people feeling down/upset/ left out etc. My biggest character flaw as well as best characteristic!

OP posts:
FrozenMargarita17 · 28/02/2019 23:16

Whuuuuuuuuuut. That's a sackable offence, OP. No way would I put up with that.

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 28/02/2019 23:18

Well he probably needs her there for emotional support after witnessing your horrific birth experience? No?

Hayden555 · 28/02/2019 23:20

Are you Asian?
Have you had an arranged marriage?
I'm Sikh ... I haven't seen your situation in my own family even relatives in India but I have seen it with friends born here and married to guys here ... Even my mum from India who had an arranged marriage can't believe how two of my friend are under the thumb of their husbands and in laws.
Guess what I'm asking is ... Is this a cultural expectation of you?

Parker231 · 28/02/2019 23:23

Make sure your hobbies and meet ups with friends then he will have to stay home with the DC’s and his mother!

Original poster
icanonlyeverdomybest · 28/02/2019 23:25

@hayden555 I don’t think it is cultural, just wildly different families.

@stayawayfromitsmouth he wasn’t present at the birth. So don’t think it’s that. Again ‘their family tradition’.

OP posts:
BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 28/02/2019 23:28

An ex of mine would have the odd friend over at times, then bugger off upstairs and leave me to entertain. I was always like wtf!

I wouldnt find this acceptable.

Hayden555 · 28/02/2019 23:29

The MIL isn't even a guest anymore ... Not if she turns up every week ... Just do your own stuff and let them entertain each other ... Do you like her though?

Original poster
icanonlyeverdomybest · 28/02/2019 23:31

Thank you for all your advice, at least I now know that it’s not normal! I’m sorry I disappeared for so long to start with, it wasn’t my intention. I’ve got to try to get some sleep now but thank you for your replies (there were so many more than I was expecting so I’m really sorry I didn’t get back to you all individually).

OP posts:
bpirockin · 28/02/2019 23:35

Ab-so-bloody-lutely NOT!

PersonaNonGarter · 28/02/2019 23:37

Is your DH playing cricket? That is a long day.

She can go an watch the cricket - problem solved.

thebabessavedme · 28/02/2019 23:44

make friends with her, go out together! tell him he is taking care of the children, see him in the morning! Grin

5foot5 · 28/02/2019 23:49

Yes he is genuinely playing sports, in the summer I often go and watch (because I want to not because it’s expected)

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Do you get time to have any hobbies of your own? Does he come to support you and your interests? Thought not,

Just how old is this MIL? And WTF are you putting up with this?
Do you have children with this man. If so you need to negotiate equal child free time so you can do things for you too.

Iflyaway · 28/02/2019 23:54

Get up early and go out first. grin

But why? That is not taking care of the problem that it is HER home!

To which I presume she has rights to over his mum?!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 28/02/2019 23:58

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
Tell him you have your own fucking life and your weekends are no longer being taken up entertaining HIS mother.

Sexist bollocks.

Barchester · 28/02/2019 23:59

Your "d"h sounds absolutely awful. Why do decent women stick with ghastly men like this? Just go out the next time that MIL comes to visit
and let your awful husband explain to her that you were busy and that he couldn't be bothered being with her.

Iflyaway · 01/03/2019 00:00

ican, you do not have to get back to each poster individually at all.

This is MN. Just take on board what people are saying. Cos you will see it is not normal to have MIL over every weekend and that DH and her wishes do NOT take preference over yours.

So glad you posted.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 01/03/2019 00:05

Why do you allow this, I just don’t understand?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2019 00:08

Personally, I'd bin him after reading your last post. He does not value you as a human being. You exist only to satisfy his needs.

But as far as the current situation, you're going to have to shit or get off the pot. There's no other way to deal with this other than being the 'bad guy' as you'll never make them see your side of things. MiL is getting her needs met and isn't going to want to give that up, and DH is too selfish to see that he should be the one to entertain his own mother. He sees it as 'your job'.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/03/2019 00:09

Oops, I missed the second page. But my advice stands.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 01/03/2019 00:11

I actually don't think it's that weird that he invites her every weekend (I see some of my family multiple times a week and like it that way) not that he leaves you with her. Again, my husband often invites his parents midweek when he's at work but I don't mind. They want to see their grandchild and I like to see them.

However if you don't like it YANBU to tell your husband to stop.

Nat6999 · 01/03/2019 00:17

I would send him round to hers & forward his bags on.

Ponchos10 · 01/03/2019 00:40

Every weekend and then goes out?

1st, is she in the same town? If so, why does she need to visit every weekend? 2nd, if she needs the company, he should go stay there if it needs to be so frequent. 3rd, does he need his mother so close all the time? There are things called apron strings and they should have been cut when he left home. 4th, do you have children who will enjoy her company? If so, let him stay the night with them over there with them so they can learn from dad how to look after their mother, but do it at her place. Or let the kids stay overnight at her place on their own, let them create their own relationship with her. 5th, why doesn't he stay to enjoy her company if she's come to visit? He needs to look at whose mother she is and why he runs away. I would leave before him and stay at a nice hotel with room service, a pool and a sauna and don't answer the phone when he or she rings. 6th, why don't you invite your mother over every weekend if she's in the same town? 7th, I think you and hubby need to sit down and discuss the issue, it's a marriage of two people, not two people and every weekend mummy too.

Vehivle · 01/03/2019 00:54

I'm with the consensus. I've been married a long time and I would never allow my husband to invite his parents over and then not be around to look after them for the ENTIRE duration of their stay. They are HIS parents. Not mine. And I would never ever dream of inviting my parents over and then going out - leaving him with them. So he would never do that to me. I can't believe you've allowed it to happen at all- let alone as often as you have!