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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 28/02/2019 18:21

I don’t think that makes it any better at all twinkletits!

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 18:21

*I'm perfectly fine thanks.
*
Ok then. This thread is going nowhere then.

Nala8 · 28/02/2019 18:22

OP I completely agree with you - I would feel the exact same! I had a similar situation with my birth last October so I think that's why I can strongly relate to you right now. I made it very clear to my husband before under no circumstances would I want anyone else to be in the hospital with us - his family etc because I too would like privacy during such an intimate time.

Thanks
contestingtheages · 28/02/2019 18:23

I understand why you were upset by this. I once went for a nap in the spare room and woke to find my boyfriend peering into my face. It made me literally shudder away from him in a really primal animalistic way. I completely understand why, after traumatic emergency surgery, you needed to wake to only the people felt safest with, and who you expected to be there.. And not to see unexpected others there. Waking from surgery, even planned surgery, is quite a confusing time anyway. But in your case, to come through and wake to not knowing if your children are alive must have been really awful.

I really liked my MIL, but I wouldn't have liked that.

sagradafamiliar · 28/02/2019 18:23

I can completely see how that would feel intrusive and a violation and if you had posted you had a straightforward, vaginal delivery everyone would be saying yanbu. I've seen it a million times on here that a post natal mother should be respected when it comes to visiting just after childbirth.

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 18:23

You did survive though op, your babies are here. All was well in the end. Why are you so angry now? You can’t change what has happened.

DuffBeer · 28/02/2019 18:23

What is your relationship like with your MIL?

To be honest, if all 3 of them were in the recovery room, then your husband or mum should have asked her to at least step back.

I wouldn't have liked that situation either, but then I'm not close to my MIL so would have felt violated.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2019 18:24

OP, this thread is pretty divided on whether YABU or not and even if it filled up to 1000 posts, I think it'd still be pretty divided.

So moving forward, what (if anything) are you going to say to your MIL about what happened 4 months ago, or do you think you'll just put it behind you now?

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 18:25

Having read more of the thread I feel angry on your behalf OP, of course it was wrong for the first person you saw on waking to be your MIL, especially given the trauma and the fact you were coming out of GA. I wonder if all these posters who think it's OK have ever actually had comparable experiences. It is fine to feel angry about it. I'm not convinced about the motive being to offer support to her son since she brought other inlaws with her, IMO she wanted to be at the centre of the drama.

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 18:25

YADNBU. Why on EARTH was she allowed in the recovery room? Who gave the green light for that?

It must have been your DH. Or, the hospital monumentally fucked up. Do you know for sure which it is?

That said, your MIL sounds very insensitive and someone who lacks tact and awareness. All this claptrap about being well meaning and caring is bullshit. It is controlling and pushy behaviour to put her needs (wanting to be “caring” etc) ahead of yours, the actual patient who had a near death experience.

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 18:26

Of you feel she oversteoa boundaries, put new ones in place with dh support. It could be a lot worse, I woke up with someone in green with bad breathe and a perchant for Christmas songs!

Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 18:27

If I had a brain heaomorage and needed emergency surgery and my mil mother and dh were in the room it would be the same.

Life and death situation that required emergency surgery.

I would like to think I would have enough emotional intelligence that I would realise that the people in my life were scared shitless as well.

Same as if I woke up in intensive care. I would so grateful to be alive I doubt I would give toss if s marching band were passing through.

magoria · 28/02/2019 18:27

I would be absolutely fucking furious if I woke up from MY operation to find someone I didn't want there standing over me who then hauled me up AFTER MY MAJOR SURGERY to give me a hug.

It says a lot about the boundaries of the DH and the MIL that they both considered it appropriate for OP's wishes to be ignored.

If she was there to support DH she could have been in a waiting room as with OP out of surgery and in a room there was clearly no immediate threat of her dying so the DH needing support.

I can understand why OP can't get her head around it and can't let it go.

AngelaHodgeson · 28/02/2019 18:27

You are absolutely not being unreasonable OP. For comparison, I wanted my mum and DSis when I was really ill in hospital (but not DBro or DF) and my wishes were respected. Yours absolutely should have been and you have every right to be angry that you had no say in the matter. Being angry when you are treated badly is absolutely normal and certainly not something you need therapy for.

TBH, I'm absolutely astounded that there are people arguing that you don't have a right to decide who gets to see you when you are unconscious!

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 18:28

Seline

I wont ever have another. That's why I'm so upset. The birth was already horrid because it was an emergency and she made it 100x worse, and thats it I never get another chance.

Confused

I’m not being patronising OP, I’m bringing to light your continuous threads and the same way all your other threads have went.

You’ll now try to accuse us of being anti psychoanalysis and that we are accusing you of being mentally unwell - while you go to great lengths in telling us your find and you’ve been told by the professionals that your OK.

Which we accept you may not be mentally unwell but you certainly do need help in balancing your feelings and controlling tenadancies.

Neptunesgiraffe · 28/02/2019 18:28

**YANBU at all. If your husband had major surgery and __said he only wanted you and his mum there nobody would say he should be fine with waking up to his MIL in his face. But for some reason the privacy of women who are giving birth doesn't count.

^^someone up thread wrote this and I agree 100%.
(wish the bold thingy would work for me, it never does!)

Nomorepies · 28/02/2019 18:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 18:31

I would like to think I would have enough emotional intelligence that I would realise that the people in my life were scared shitless as well.

And I would like to think that I had enough emotional intelligence to realise that the gravely ill person’s needs trumped my own. My being “scared shitless” does NOT take priority over the patient’s best interest.

SparkofJoy · 28/02/2019 18:33

Yadnbu. Your mil should not have been allowed in the room. You needs and desires should have been paramount.

DoJo · 28/02/2019 18:33

YANBU - I love my MIL, but wouldn't have wanted her looming over me when I was in such a traumatic situation either. It IS all about you - you were pregnant, you gave birth and you were the patient in this situation, so there is no excuse to make it all about your husband or your MIL's feelings. Your feelings matter - they should have mattered then and they still matter now, so don't feel as though you have to squash them down to accommodate the selfish behaviour of others. I'm not sure what you can do about it now, but if you want to address it and try and get some closure, then that is absolutely your right.

mayflower43 · 28/02/2019 18:34

No, I don't need support thanks. I'm perfectly fine. Why is it the case that upset women are pathologised?

Some of your posts on different threads indicate that you would benefit from support, however I realise my judgement is just from words on a screen. I wish you well.

However, having been through a similar experience where my only baby did not survive and I was unable to have another. Naturally at the time much help and support is given to the mother and the father can be ignored. My husband was very strong and supportive, however a year later he had a very severe clinical depression as a result. When I now look back I can see it was much worse for him than for me. So I would urge you to consider your husband's feelings too, realising that he too has been through hell.

Congratulations on your twins.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2019 18:35

OP you post a post that you are not ok and then go to great pains to say you are fine

It would not be surprising with what happened if you have ptsd

poglets · 28/02/2019 18:35

I understand why you are angry. I think if your husband needed support then his mother should have stayed out of the room. I have an ever present MIL - I know how fucking irritating it can be. And yes, mine was there when I was in hospital. I still feel irked by it.

I'm afraid you need to recognize that if you want to go along with demanding your right to privacy, then some key people failed you when the chips were down. Your husband didn't advocate for you, or your mother. If nobody told your MIL to go then what can you really say against her?

I am sorry you feel the birth experience was ruined for you. I felt like this. It takes time to process. But, can I gently say, it has happened now. You have to stop ruminating in it and move forward. You need to think about what you can actively change. I haven't read your other threads. How do you feel towards your MIL now?

Do you understand that you have to let this go to be able to move forward? Or is it so bad that the relationship with MIL is irrevocably broken? What do you want moving forward?

TopBitchoftheWitches · 28/02/2019 18:36

Op, you do come across as very aggressive. Are you normally like this?

You may not have pnd but there are other avenues to consider.

Troels · 28/02/2019 18:36

I think that theres a hospital problem here, I had two c-sections, one was GA, I came round fully in the recovery room, where I was monitored by nurses (Dh wasn't in their either he was with the baby). Not taken to a private room to wake up with family. That doesn't seem safe to me, I'm a nurse and have worked in theatre.
She was out of line to be in your face, and to grab and hug.
However, I don't think malice was intended. She was probably emotional, overwhelmed and doesn't know your likes/dislikes as well as your mother.
I would have expected your own mother to have asked her to step away and not be so close as you don't like that and will be annoyed when you wake up to find her so close. So also be annoyed your own mother didn't have your back there.