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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 18:36

I agree entirely with your post @pohlets

sar302 · 28/02/2019 18:41

Is it possible (and I say this as someone who is still working through a shitty birth myself, so might be projecting), that you're not as ok with the birth as you think you are? And this is a detail you keep fixating on, to either block out the rest of it, or allow yourself to feel really crappy about something that's not the birth itself?

Your DH text his mum in panic. Fine. You come round, to your MIL staring at you. Shitty, yes, but not as shitty as nearly dying and nearly losing your children, and your DH nearly losing his whole family. Maybe this is easier for you to be cross / upset about at the moment. Unless there is a massive back story.

Foodylicious · 28/02/2019 18:41

Was she not perhaps sitting with you whilst DH had a break and/or checking up on the babies?

Did they just not want you to wake up alone?

soontobefour4 · 28/02/2019 18:42

I'm really surprised at the majority of the responses you've had OP. I get that your DH might have needed support - although remember we don't know either way whether he asked/wanted them to come or whether they just turned up - but surely the mother should not be expected to wake up from major surgery to a room full of people she had no idea were going to be there.

My sister had twins and nearly died giving birth - her DH called our DM (so his MIL) because he needed someone to support him. She would not have wanted his DM there given what she'd just been through.

I remember feeling so vulnerable when I was recovering from giving birth, nice normal straightforward delivery so nowhere near the trauma that the OP had been through. I get on just fine with my MIL but there's no way I'd have wanted to see her at that moment in time.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:42

Now I'm controlling because I don't want her in that room?!

The reason I can't let it go is because I just can't get my head around it. It's alien to me. If I understand something I can process it even if I don't agree with it but this is so weird. I understand she may have thought she was helping but I can't fathom a total lack of regard for my consent or wishes. It makes me feel like an object. Before I had the GA I was held down as I had tried to move and it made the hemmhorage worse and I had around 20 people surrounding me sticking CTGs on me, cannulating me, shoving a vaginal probe in...I remember feeling like a bodiless head with absolutely no personal agency and like some sort of film set scenario. Now that was necessary to save us and so I can deal with it, unpleasant as it was. This was unnecessary and made me feel once again like I didn't count.

OP posts:
Knitclubchatter · 28/02/2019 18:43

Obviously your dh was not available to be there at the moment. Would you have preferred to awaken from the anaesthetic alone, with no one in the room to tell you if the twins are alive, or transferred to a tertiary site?

LunafortJest · 28/02/2019 18:44

Seline I am shocked by some of the ignorant responses. I think these people, despite you telling them a few times, still think your MIL was in the waiting room, they don't understand she was right beside you in your face when you woke up. I also think it was wrong of your DH not to tell his mum to leave the room. Yes I understand he was shellshocked, however he should have made it a priority to pull himself together for you and the babies, he should have been fully functional and took his mother out of there. Your DH failed you. Also I wonder if your mum knew she was in there? If I found out my daughter's MIL was in there right in her face when I knew my daughter didn't want that, I'd be clawing at her with my nails to get her out of there. You are definitely not being unreasonable at all, but I think a few people failed you that day, your DH being the main one.

mammoon · 28/02/2019 18:44

YANBU. That sounds awful. Especially the being pulled up into a hug. I can imagine that would be the last thing you wanted when you're in such a state of trauma and not knowing what's happening with your babies. I really feel for you. It was insensitive of your MIL at best and I understand why you would be upset. It was part of the trauma of the whole traumatic experience. (Perhaps it's the one part that you feel you can somehow resolve in some way? Or have some control over, as you could raise this with your MIL now? Where other parts of it can't be addressed? I don't know, that's just me wondering aloud.)

I think it sounds like you've been through a hellish time. You have the right to set boundaries and to have them respected. You have the right to be angry and hurt that your boundaries were overstepped in such an insensitive way. You have the right to feel you should have been better supported and protected by those around you. You were let down and it's hard. Take care, and I really hope you're recovering well and enjoying your babies Flowers

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2019 18:45

OP what is your DH view about it

I think this your ADHD side struggling to make sense of the emotional side of the situation the people involved

The clear cut surgical side is fine but the emotional side of how people were feeling and what they need you can’t process it doesn’t fit into your box so it makes you feel as if they were not thinking about you
But they were they wanted you to be ok

TwinkleTits70 · 28/02/2019 18:46

I don’t think that makes it any better at all twinkletits!

I hoped it would because the OP phrased it as though her MIL couldn't wait to pounce so was there ready and waiting to do so.

Gina2012 · 28/02/2019 18:47

The reason I can't let it go is because I just can't get my head around it. It's alien to me. If I understand something I can process it even if I don't agree with it but this is so weird.

Then I suggest you get some therapy to help you process this

3 family members in your room thinking you were unconscious, there to support DH seems unfortunate (as you'd requested just your mum and DH) but definitely not something one would struggle to let go of

You need help to ease your need for control

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:47

Quartz that's possible. I much prefer dealing in factual and abstract scenarios than emotional ground so there is an element of that.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 28/02/2019 18:48

I can understand why you were upset at the time, but not now, 4 months later.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:49

Because I feel she made what was a scary experience even worse than it already was and it changes how i feel about her as a person.

OP posts:
Bowsbows · 28/02/2019 18:50

OP I haven't read the full 10 pages but YANBU.

It was an unnecessary invasion of privacy at a time when you felt disorientated, scared, confused etc. For those posters who've brought it up, I'm sure you are grateful to be alive and well and the babies are ok etc but that doesn't mean you can't still have bad feelings about what happened with your MIL.

I had an EMCS (not GA like you though) and I would have gone mad if anyone had stepped foot inside the recovery room other than my DH and the medical staff. Even my own mother. I just wouldn't have wanted to deal with anything else except my own situation and that of my baby, with the support of my DH. There's nothing wrong with that.

Again, YANBU and please don't take to heart those who say you are. I really don't think you are at all.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/02/2019 18:50

HI op I'm sorry you went through this it sounds very traumatic

Without a back story it's very difficult to say whether YABU. As awful as it was for you I'm sure it was awful for your husband as well. He probably wanted his mum there. If he needed a break to go to the loo or was with your babies and didn't want to risk you waking up alone then that's understandable. If he was waiting outside as his mum muscled in because she wanted a nosey then that's different.

I hope everything is OK now

Limensoda · 28/02/2019 18:51

The birth was already horrid because it was an emergency and she made it 100x worse

She didn't do anything.
You had a bloody awful time, but I think you are blaming her for the understandable distress you are feeling over what was a traumatic time . It wasn't her fault!
I feel sorry for what you went through but I also feel sorry for your mil who was probably very concerned for all of you.

WoollyMummoth · 28/02/2019 18:51

Of course she shouldn’t have been there! I’d have been horrified if anyone other than my Dh had seen me in such a vulnerable position. It is totally up to the op who she has around her when she wakes up. Obviously if you’re in the recovery room then your out of immediate danger so MIL should have been “supporting” her son from the waiting room and honouring the ops wishes.

poglets · 28/02/2019 18:52

OP, from your last post I can see you are deeply, deeply traumatized by the entire experience. I still think your MIL should absolutely not have been in the room.

Have you had any counseling for this trauma?

What is the relationship with your MIL like now? Do you interact with her much? What do you want to happen?

53rdWay · 28/02/2019 18:54

She was probably scared too. That does NOT mean that her feelings should have outweighed yours, but it may mean she was acting from fear and concern to reassure herself rather than being able to calmly consider what you’d actually want or feel.

RussellSprout · 28/02/2019 18:54

I can understand. I had a traumatic casearian and we specifically told my mother NOT to come to the hospital until visiting hours. She turned up anyway and wasn't let in the recovery room, but DH had to go out and spend half an hour giving her all the gory details and missing out on the first few moments with the baby. I was annoyed as was he, but not distraught .

It's not great but it's not terrible. I'd try to get over it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 18:54

Seline can I ask why your against seeking outside support?

I wonder if your ADHD is not helping you deal with your feelings?

I don’t think anyone has suggested your UR in your feelings, as you mentioned on your previous threads that you sometimes get panic attacks if people come round unannounced, and that you’ve refused CAMHs support for your older child due to this.

Over 4 weeks ago you posted the same issue, so the twins at least 5+ months now

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:54

I don't interact with her much. I don't know what I want to happen but an apology would be really great. I'm going to speak to DH about it again before speaking to her.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 18:54

It's wrong that she was in the room, when your DH would have known that you wouldn't have wanted that. I understand why it upsets you, and you may need to explain to your DH how it will change the ongoing relationship with your MIL. I guess you will not want to see her from now on?

I can see how your DH, in such a stressful situation, was not able to ask her to wait outside, though.

7salmonswimming · 28/02/2019 18:55

You asked for opinions, OP, you’re getting them. No need to be so defensive.

Talking about boundaries in the context of family (childbirth and babies and new mothers are at the heart of family life) isn’t unreasonable. But it cuts both ways. You are not just YOU anymore. You are a wife. A daughter in law. A mother. A SIL. It’s an uncomfortable truth that many of us struggle with. All the other people involved in your life deserve some space in your mind and heart (unless there are reasons why they shouldn’t).

I guess this is about where to draw the line. You want it drawn tightly around you, your DH and your babies. DH’s mother etc are including you in their circle.

It’s a lucky situation to complain about being too included, rather not at all. For the sake of your DH and others, why not reframe the question so that it’s not just about what’s in the best interests of you and you alone, but what’s in the best interests of all the people you love, whoever they may be. If nothing else, it’ll let you move on from this. Otherwise it’ll just fester and donyou really want that?

Incidentally, don’t you think it’s a bit odd that the idea of someone seeing you at death’s door, weak and vulnerable, sends shivers down your spine? To me, that would be an appropriate reaction to my children being left motherless and my husband a widower. Not to someone seeing me under anesthesia/ on a drip/ in a hospital gown/ looking weak and poorly. Why do you feel the need to not look weak or vulnerable?