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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:11

I wont ever have another. That's why I'm so upset. The birth was already horrid because it was an emergency and she made it 100x worse, and thats it I never get another chance.

OP posts:
pallisers · 28/02/2019 18:11

Agreed. But this wasn’t ‘people’, this was the loving grandparent of her twins.

So what? The OP was the patient here - not the twins.

Clearly the OP had a very traumatic delivery. I can guarantee you that telling her she is over reacting (she isn't), that her feelings aren't valid (they are), that on the scale of things this is a molehill (it isn't) really isn't going to make her feel just great about the whole experience. Having her feelings and emotions acknowledged rather than dismissed might do some good though.

ThanosSavedMe · 28/02/2019 18:12

I’m sorry peakpolly but that’s crap. There was absolutely no reason that she needed to be in the recovery room whilst op was coming round.

Be in the hospital to support her son, no problem. Not in the recovery room.

Ops dh and dm knew well enough to stand back and not be in her face. Someone should have asked the in laws to leave the room and wait in the waiting area

Gingertam · 28/02/2019 18:13

You are definitely not being unreasonable. My MIL is lovely but I wouldn't want to be looking at her face when I came round from a GA. She could have offered support from the corridor. My husband would know I would hate it though and would not have allowed her in. I think all the people disagreeing with you will just be the interfering MIL from hell in years to come.

pallisers · 28/02/2019 18:13

In the next decades over which you raise your children, you will encounter much harder and more difficult situations.

tbh I think a situation in which the OP and both her children nearly died is probably going to be one of the hardest and most difficult situations the OP and her dh will encounter as they rear their children. At least I hope it will be.

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 18:13

OP you are not being unfair at all. It was not her place to be there when you woke up, she should have waited outside or better still kept in touch by phone. I am mystified by all these people who think it's fine. This should have been a time for you, your DH and your babies, not random inlaws. Some people just thrive on drama.

53rdWay · 28/02/2019 18:14

YANBU. I get on well with my MIL and I'd still have hated this. At the hospital to support her son, yes; in the recovery room right in my face and pulling me up for a hug while I was coming round from GA, noooooo.

You can't undo it though so: what do you want to happen at this stage? Do you want an apology from her? Or an acknowledgement that she shouldn't have done it? Or just for her to know how you felt? I think your best option is to find a way that would help you feel better about it without depending on her to do or say a particular thing, because that way lies only frustration.

sprouts21 · 28/02/2019 18:14

To me, this is all about 'man as active agent, whose feelings matter' and 'woman as object, defined in relation to a man' (his wife, he needed support - no, a person and patient, needing dignity and care)

Totally agree.

I would not want anyone gawking at me as I was coming around from an op (any op) and I would be very cross with my husband for allowing this. You've said your husband didn't know what was going on and I strongly disagree.He knew you had a emergency caesarean, he knew it went ok and he knew the babies were ok and that you were ok.He also knew you didn't want visitors while you were unconscious.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 18:15

And this is why we think the OP should seek help.

Apparently the MIL being in the hospital after emergency surgery and nearly dying is x100 worse than the actual trauma she went through

And now I think is why the OP is also going to great pains in now allowing her Dh family to see the babies and putting her dh in an impossible situation.

ThanosSavedMe · 28/02/2019 18:15

Ilovebray. Much harder than dying? Much harder than thinking her babies might die? God I hope not

Neome · 28/02/2019 18:16

I have read all of your posts OP but not every single response on the thread.

You've posted in AIBU and asked 'am I being unfair?' but I very gently want to suggest that these might be the wrong questions. You do feel your boundaries were violated. You did have a traumatic experience and a general anaesthetic which both affected your feelings and your memory if the event.

I'm really glad that you and your twins are well, I hope you, DH and your children are all able to be close and enjoy this time in your family.

Only you can decide if you want to choose to forgive your MIL which could mean quite a lot of hard work inside yourself or to increase the distance between you in some way. Whichever you choose I hope it brings you peace of mind. Flowers

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:17

Where have I said it's worse? I said she made the situation worse.

Haud take your patronising comments elsewhere.

OP posts:
LIZS · 28/02/2019 18:17

But it was not her fault that the birth was traumatic. Your other posts suggest there is way more going on due to your los prematurity , your elder dc and possible pnd. Focussing on being angry at her presence when you woke up, although valid, seems to be a distraction from this. You need support with your mh and that may help you put it in a different perspective and manage your feelings of anger and disappointment better.

AlexaAmbidextra · 28/02/2019 18:17

The reason I asked is because I wondered whether I was being oversensitive or whether this would have annoyed others too, because that affects what I'll do about it

Seline. So out of interest, what will you do about it? What can you possibly do now other than insist that your MIL never darkens your door again? Would that punish her sufficiently?

It would be far better for you to concentrate on your children and let this go. And fwiw, I’m another that feels you may benefit from some therapy because your posts demonstrate that you do have issues, even if you don’t or won’t see it.

53rdWay · 28/02/2019 18:18

Also you don't need to have PND to benefit from speaking to a counsellor about what you went through during birth. You had a traumatic time, anyone would be shaken up by that.

Springwalk · 28/02/2019 18:18

Op in the kindest way be glad you have a mother in law that cares so much, and siblings. Your dh would have needed them desperately if you had died.

I had a similar experience and my own mother didn’t even bother to show up, saying she had a cold and was tired.

In moments of crisis and need it is natural for most families to rush to each other to offer support and love.

Rest assured if your twins ever face a similar situation you will be the first in the car.

Let it go, get some help with the shock and stress this must have caused you.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 28/02/2019 18:18

I've seen a few of your threads OP, you really don't like her do you. I hope you don't get pushed out as a MIL when you're DS grows up, that bind you have with those tiny babies is how she feels about your husband, her son.

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 18:18

If she made the birth 100x worse just by being in the room and you can never have another because of that, then I really think you do need to seek some help to help you process this.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:19

No, I don't need support thanks. I'm perfectly fine. Why is it the case that upset women are pathologised?

OP posts:
OneStepSideways · 28/02/2019 18:19

She wasn't at the birth though. She was waiting by your bed when you woke up from the anaesthetic. She didn't bring your Brother in law or sister in law onto the ward, they stayed in the waiting room! I expect your DH needed some support. Have you discussed it? Maybe he needed to go outside for some air or get some food so asked mil to keep vigil at your bedside in case you woke up and panicked?

I expect she thought she was being caring and supportive.

TomorrowIsFree · 28/02/2019 18:19

I wouldn't have liked it either OP Flowers

TwinkleTits70 · 28/02/2019 18:20

She would not have been there when you woke up and neither would your DH be either. You just don't remember that part because of the anaesthetic drugs given to you. You would probably have been awake for 20 minutes at a bare minimum before you were returned to your room.

TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2019 18:21

Maybe your DH was struggling and wanted his mum rather than yours. Sorry. That sounds blunt. But yeah, he needed a handhold and probably didn’t make a brilliant choice in your opinion, but his wife and babies nearly died.

Cut everyone slack here, OP. It was a traumatic experience for all of you, you most of all.

I hope you’re recovering with much love and support. We’re here by a thread.

53rdWay · 28/02/2019 18:21

Why is it the case that upset women are pathologised?

I'm not pathologising you. I had a traumatic time during a birth myself. It didn't give me PND, it didn't mean there was anything wrong with me, but I still benefited greatly from talking the whole thing over with a professional a few months after the fact.

ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 18:21

pallisers

tbh I think a situation in which the OP and both her children nearly died is probably going to be one of the hardest and most difficult situations the OP and her dh will encounter as they rear their children. At least I hope it will be.

I'm referring to the fact that the MIL was in the room, not that the OP and her children nearly died.

A MIL that you don't have an issue with being in the room when you wake up is a bit of a non issue from my point of view.

I would be more grateful I and my babies made it through the delivery tbh. The MIL thing I just couldn't get worked up over, especially months later. It's over and done with surely, the OP can't change it what happened. Accept it and move on.

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