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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 28/02/2019 17:57

OP in the nicest possible way, this isn't about you, its about a mother helping her son through difficult times. If you had died, at least she would have been there to hold him together.

  1. It’s entirely about the OP and not about her DH at all - something our hospital have been at pains to impress upon us during antenatal classes - the OP was the sick person
  2. The OP didn’t die, her MIL was in her private room when she woke up. So it must have been clear by then that she wasn’t going to die.
APurpleSquirrel · 28/02/2019 17:58

I would say your anger is perhaps misplaced?

Firstly, if you had expressed that only DH & your DM were allowed in the room, the midwives/nurses should have respected that & upheld it. You need to speak to the hospital about why your wishes were overruled.

Secondly, both your DH & I assume your DM knew of your wishes & should have acted as gatekeepers to your room. You've said your DH was shell shocked, so couldn't your DM have stepped in & told MIL that she couldn't come in?

Yabbers · 28/02/2019 17:58

I wish my MIl had been there. Then my husband wouldn’t have had to go through it all alone. She could have brought the whole damned family if he needed it.

I would have been overly happy at her seeing me as I came round, but it would,have been way down low on the list of my concerns at the time. I certainly wouldn’t be stewing at it 4 months later.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 18:01

So once a woman is pregnant then her feelings don't matter. Her dhs does though. Her mils does though. Just not the actual patient.

In no other circumstances would this shit be OK.

JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 18:01

Alexaambidexstra
Fully agree, what a ridiculous hing to be harbouring a grudge over, OP has 4 month old twins and this is what you're giving importance to?
In an emergency plans of who you expected there go out the window, sounds like OP has control issues.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 18:01

Yabbers, apparently her dh was alone as she had her mother Confused

OP now going into great depths for her dh family to see the babies as she wants to bond with them first... absolutely fine but 5 months on... (babies were in hospital a length of time)

We’ve had many a thread, hence why on most threads we’ve requested the OP to seek help.

werideatdawn · 28/02/2019 18:01

There was a possibility you might die and you're pissed that someone crossed your boundaries and hugged you when you woke up? Don't use the argument about "hysterical women". You're just being completely obnoxious and bending facts to encourage people to say yanbu. She wasn't 'at the birth'. Did you have issues with her before?
Something else to add to the list for if I'm ever a MIL. 'If DIL nearly dies do not show compassion or relief when she wakes up.'

Limensoda · 28/02/2019 18:01

I think it's sad you feel so angry your DH had his mother there.
She's the babies grandmother the same as your mum is.
It doesn't bode well for the future.

My3boys9910 · 28/02/2019 18:03

@celine i kind of understand...my exs mother arrived at the hospital when i was in theatre & our son was unwell and went to scbu...i understood her coming & she was helpful & trying to be supportive...but a few days in (im sitting at my sons incubator) and my exs brother & his wife came into scbu (without telling me)...i was FUMING...i felt vulnerable...in a nighty with a pad on & after a painful csection surgery...And a very unwell baby...i just felt he was like an animal in a zoo being stared at & everyone was taking control and not considering me (at the time)..i think any family should understand the WOMAN has the baby...yes they are family aswell...but its a sensitive time & babys come from vaginas!A private personal place...Our boobs leak...we bleed...we are asked embarrassing questions of when we last pooed by nurses...its a time i think for mum dad & baby.. its the emotion after a traumatic event i think...new mums are territorial at the best of times...Im always sensitive to freinds and family right after theyve had babys...And when i came out of hospital i had his mum brother and girlfreind and their 3 kids running round my front room...many a time he asked me to go make his mum a cup of tea while she sat in MY chair next to my sons incubator...my ex was a prick yes!!But i do see how you feel...but sometimes when its as serious as life or death people feel its the right thing...

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 18:03

Pallisers, I'm not saying the OP wasn't vulnerable in this particular situation but she seems to be suggesting that 'any' situation where she feels a bit vulnerable and no one can go near her so, yes, I would say that was an issue for her.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 18:03

Oswin her feels absolutely matter, her twins are 5 months old however and we’ve had many of a thread regarding her dh family.

It’s the same thread being continually rehashed.

Pliudev · 28/02/2019 18:03

Why are people on here so horrible about MILs? If she thought her son might need her support she had every right to turn up and I think you are BVU to still be angry about it months later. Are you sure something else isn't at the root of this?

DianaT1969 · 28/02/2019 18:03

I think OP, that your experience should have taught you not to sweat the small stuff. But instead, you have gone the opposite way. You feel angry or disappointed enough to make a post here. Presumably when you have lots to keep your body and mind busy caring for twins. Yet you are thinking (obsessing?) over it.
When you think of all the bad things that could happen to any of us, and all the blessings we have, where on the scale does this factor?

Peakypolly · 28/02/2019 18:05

of course op shouldn’t have people staring at her while she is unconscious
Agreed. But this wasn’t ‘people’, this was the loving grandparent of her twins.

ThanosSavedMe · 28/02/2019 18:05

Yanbu. You are also not being hysterical or melodramatic.

Coming round from a GA is not nice. You are vulnerable and need to feel safe. Just because it would bother other people doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be upset by it.

Maybe she thought she was being helpful and was genuinely concerned for you and her son (and the babies). However, that’s doesn’t mean you have to feel ok with it or that you have to put up with it in the future.

You cannot change what has happened but you can talk to your dh and say how you felt and how you still feel. Tell him you accept you can’t change what has happened but you need to know that if anything like this ever happens again he will be your voice, that his mum and siblings seeing you like that will not happen again.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 18:05

Can anyone answer why she couldn't have supported her son outside the recovery room?
Why does his need for support come above the patients wish for privacy?

ParadiseLaundry · 28/02/2019 18:07

@Seline I also had a general anaesthetic for my Caesarian and would have felt very upset and vulnerable if anyone else other than my DH had been there when I awoke and hadnt even seen my baby yet, including my MiL so YANBU.

Fair enough if MiL wanted to support her son but could have one that from the waiting room, it was absolutely not necessary for her to be in the room when the OP was coming round.

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 18:07

Given how many threads you have started regarding PND etc OP, I think you definitely need some help, if nothing else but to help you stop focusing on this.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 18:08

Pliudev she absolutely did not have every right to be at ops bedside when she was waking from a serious operation, when she didn't know if her babies had survived.
Why do you think her need to be there is more important than the actual patients need for privacy?

pallisers · 28/02/2019 18:08

I can only presume most of the people who think the OP is unreasonable have never had a c-section nor a dangerous, life-threatening delivery. So they are thinking of a normal delivery and MIL popping in afterwards. That is not what happened.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 18:08

I don't have PND. I did actually ask about it and I don't have it.

Sometimes it isn't PND. Every time a woman is upset about giving birth isn't PND.

OP posts:
ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 18:08

Unless you have a massive issue with your MIL I think that YABU.

In the next decades over which you raise your children, you will encounter much harder and more difficult situations. You'll then be able to look back on this and wonder why you cared so much.

You are alive OP. Your children are alive. Some of us aren't so lucky.

WhereIsMyTVRemote · 28/02/2019 18:08

My dm replied to a text saying I was in labour with 'I'll get straight to the hospital' - to which I replied with no you bloody won't. It's a private thing for me and you do not turn up without an invite. Plus you want to discover your new baby with your partner and not with someone else overseeing it all!

If your dh said he asked her to come for support, fair enough, but to turn up with siblings too is a bit much even then.

If you have another I would tell dh to politely say that you would like it to just be you two. If she doesn't like that, say it less politely.

ahtellthee · 28/02/2019 18:09

Did your MIL specifically know your wishes? Had she specifically been told?
Did your DH call her? Did she know about the added trauma?

I would have to ask her why she came and why she brought extra family members. It's the only way I would get closure.

That said, I do think in the event of an emergency (such as your birth) I do understand her coming to support your DH. I wouldn't begrudge him that, (even though I absolutely would not want to see my MIL when coming round).

You can't change it, but I do think you need to make sense of it, and so talking it through calmly is the one way to move forward.

Novinosincebambino · 28/02/2019 18:10

OP I am angry for you. Yanbu. I remember coming round from a GA after birth and that feeling of confusion and vulnerability is very real and your feelings are valid no matter what anyone says. I would recommend a chat with your DH and explain why you are still angry. No one has the right to tell you how you should or shouldn't feel after a traumatic experience like that.

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