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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Halo84 · 01/03/2019 12:11

I find that odd. She’s not a stranger off the street.

You have obviously already made your mind up. So is this about validation?

LunafortJest · 01/03/2019 12:11

"She didn't see me bleed out and collapse on the floor. She didn't have to go running into the corridor screaming for help, she didn't witness any of the procedure. She didn't hear me saying to DH "make sure they don't blame themselves if they live and I don't."

He did say to her that I didn't want an audience as I posted earlier. He can't remember why she didn't leave."

And yet, neither of them could preserve your privacy. All the above is well and good, but if neither of them would do a single thing to get your MIL out of the room, then imo it doesn't say much.

" More than most actually - my mother stays over several nights to help with night feeds, how many people get that?!"
I would venture to suggest many. My mother did that to me while I was in hospital for 4 and a half weeks, AND she would ALSO have made sure no one got in that room that I didn't want. So I guess I am lucky because I have both. I have a mother who was there for me overnights when I was so ill and on the morphine drip, AND I have a mother who wouldn't stare at the floor and do nothing if an unwanted visitor entered that room, she would have marched in that room and marched them out. I'm sorry you don't have that. I'm also sorrier for you that your DH would not protect you from his mother. I'm grateful for my Steve, and my mother. Even more so that I now from this thread, know that many others are not as lucky as I am, and that to them, that is normal. I just rang my mum 10 minutes ago and told her I loved her and thanked her for being there a few years ago in hospital. I am glad your normal is not my normal, and that my DC won't have a mother that stares at the floor, because by God I would rip a new one before I ever let the rhetorical MIL/unwanted visitor in their room. I think sometimes threads like this make me realise how lucky I am.

Halo84 · 01/03/2019 12:12

Oh, and spare me the “dignity”. Dignity is internal.

flowersaremyfave · 01/03/2019 12:12

I asked about it and was told I don't need it as there's nothing wrong

Erm there's definitely something wrong. Are you lonely op? You make a lot of threads, and somehow even with small babies and a 3 year old find time to be on here all day replying. Do you have no friends? Moved to a new area? In one of your threads you said your dh doesn't like you taking the babies out because of germs, that's not good.

And no my mother and husband are not useless. They're both fantastic people and provide me with everything I could ever want. More than most actually - my mother stays over several nights to help with night feeds, how many people get that?!

Ahhh I get it now. You mil doesn't compare to your mum.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:13

I find that odd. She’s not a stranger off the street.

So? She just came with DH I didn't choose her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:15

flowers

The only thing I can think of is I absolutely hate the winter and always feel rubbish at this time of year. You can't go anywhere or do anything fun with the kids because the weather is awful. I'm skinny and feel the cold intently. Yet hate being cooped up in the house all the time. We go to the park every other day but even so.

DH is over that now luckily.

To be fair, yes that's true. I don't think she's as helpful or nice as my own mum.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 01/03/2019 12:22

Oh, and spare me the “dignity”. Dignity is internal.

Yes, it is. It’s about how a person feels about the way they are treated by others. It is, definitionally, the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically.

That it isn’t important to you doesn’t mean it has no value to others. Given its status in healthcare principles, it is very important to very many people.

Charles11 · 01/03/2019 12:24

So mil saw the Selina that you never wanted her to see? How has that affected you? How would you like to punish her?

I think it’s fine that you have these feelings about what happened. Talk about it. Write it in that letter.
Get all your anger out and figure out what you’re actually hurting about.
What is the root of all this pain?

Then you need to stop letting her have this much control over you and your feelings. You weren’t able to control her but you can control yourself and how you respond and deal with your emotions.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:25

Dignity matters in different ways to different people. What matters is making sure you respect what the individual wishes.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 12:25

OP you are angry about not getting the birth you wanted and it sounds awful

But you MiL doesn’t seem to have done something so horrible as you seem to think

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:27

So mil saw the Selina that you never wanted her to see? How has that affected you? How would you like to punish her?

Yeah pretty much. She saw my innermost vulnerability and I don't like anyone seeing that. Even myself. Certain people are allowed to but she isn't one of them.

It's made me feel disgusted and repulsed, and like she has invaded my life and is now a dark cloud looming over me.

I think ideally, I'd like my DH to refuse to do something that's important to her and instead do something with me to show her what it feels like to have your wishes trampled on. But that's petty.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:29

But you MiL doesn’t seem to have done something so horrible as you seem to think

To me, seeing me when I am vulnerable is a heinous offence. It's not something I like people to see. I cultivate my image as strong, determined and powerful. Not that of a frightened child lying helpless hooked up to various machinery.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 01/03/2019 12:31

@MarieIVanArkleStinks great post I agree. Some of the comments on here have been incredibly nasty. How can we protect our kids from cyber bullying when here are grown women perpetuating it on a parenting forum.

LagunaBubbles · 01/03/2019 12:31

I don't need support. I'm an adult not q child. I don't need a handhold

What a really odd thing to say. We are all humans and have emotions, we aren't robots. It's not "childish" to need support from others at times in life.

Charles11 · 01/03/2019 12:31

Your anger towards mil is a cover for your pain.

What’s hurting you right now?

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:32

What’s hurting you right now?

That I feel humiliated by her seeing me in a vulnerable state.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 01/03/2019 12:33

You want to punish your MIL because she saw you when you were vulnerable and not the "strong, determined and powerful" image you like people to see you as? And you think you don't need help??

Charles11 · 01/03/2019 12:33

Do you think her motive was to humiliate you?

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:35

No I don't think that was her motive. I do think she was determined to act as the family matriarch as someone else said. Which is also an attempt to undermine me but not malice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:36

Laguna she didn't see it by accident. She knew I didn't want it and did it anyway

OP posts:
LunafortJest · 01/03/2019 12:37

Clearly you are a very private person. I am also. Which my mum knows, and if your mum knows this, and your DH, they should have stopped MIL from going in. That is the bottom line. At least one of them could have and should have stopped her. They allowed her in there, after you were in a stable condition. That is unforgiveable in my mind. It's one thing for MIL who doesn't know you well, but your mother who does know you, knows better and should have stopped her. That is the bottom line. Neither DH or mother went in there to even speak to her, let alone get her out. That is the bottom line.

HappilyHarridan · 01/03/2019 12:38

Are you sure there isn’t a little part of you which just enjoys drama/feeling righteous and angry?

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 12:38

Yes but it a personal heinous offence to you not one that she realised or did it deliberately

This is your issue to overcome OP and the above is your issue you need to be seem as a strong powerful adult in charge and your mum and DH are fine but no one else.

And here is the kicker is easier to be angry at her than the people you are really angry at

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 12:39

DH did say "She won't want an audience wait outside" but can't remember what happened next and why she didnt. He said he thought she was in the corridor and came in when I had woken but that's not what I remember or what my mum remembers.

I get your point Luna and had I not been on deaths door I'd be going mental at DH over this. However he thought I was dying and that the babies weren't going to survive. I'd only been back a few minutes before this incident.

OP posts:
Charles11 · 01/03/2019 12:40

Do you think she should be punished for how you feel then? Seeing as you admit there was no malice on her part.

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