To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP, I seriously recommend that you seek professional help. You sound as though you may have PTSD or PND or a combination of both.You need help.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks There is something very wrong with you if you are upset that I and others are pointing out the fact that BOTH OP's DH and mother refused to do anything whatsoever to stop the situation. Not one of the two did. If in your mind I am wrong and a 'bully' for saying her mother and her DH were her advocates who she needed the most to be strong for her and advocate for her, then I'm a bully as are all nurses who say the best advocate for a patient is their spouse or parent. You take your road of enabling if you wish. Just don't expect me or others to follow it.

I don't have PTSD or PND.

Actually I'm pretty sure witnessing a massive obstetric hemmhorage and watching someone have to have emergency life saving procedures before being rushed to theatre which is what they saw makes them victims too.

I love how it's their job to do that despite feeling traumatised themselves but not her job to conduct herself appropriately in the first place.

Who the fuck thinks it's okay to see someone straight after birth?!

I don't think it's unreasonable to be pissed off that your MIL was there when you didn't want her to be. But you have so much anger and fury directed at her that seems very disproportionate to what she actually did. I wouldn't be surprised if this is misdirected over something more deep rooted about the birth trauma.

"because they obviously aren't thinking straight if they think I'm dead?!"

Unless I've misunderstood, you were out of surgery, out of recovery room and in the ward side room? So no reason for them to believe you were dead? If they were still in shock about what had happened prior then is it not also reasonable to assume your MIL was in shock/concerned and misjudged her place in the room? Yes she was wrong but isn't it possible she just made a mistake and not thinking straight either?

I agree with PP that your DM and DH really let you down too. If you are excusing them because of the shock then it's unfair to expect MIL to not also make errors of judgment too. And she can't even attempt to apologise because she has no idea at the moment that she's done something wrong.

"Why am I self absorbed to want the birth to be something I get to decide?"

@Seline - I don't think you are - childbirth is one of the things in life we cannot control, usually - so it matters more that we do get to control the things about it that are within human control - if that makes sense. I did say earlier that I thought it was not unreasonable of your MIL to come to the hospital to support her son - but your more recent posts don't paint a picture of a MIL like mine - supportive and caring, and respectful of her DIL's boundaries - she sounds like a pretty difficult person, and given all that, I don't blame you at all for being cross with what happened.

I do hope that you can find a way of moving forward that allows you to put it behind you - I wonder if it would help to write a letter to her, saying everything you want to say, no filters - and then burn it. Lance the boil, as it were.

"As the mother of a son I'd be sure to keep a distance if that's what his wife wanted - pushing your way in is a sure fire way to end up one of those MILs who never get visited because you're such a massive PITA"

I agree with this, @GunpowderGelatine - I've got three dses, and as I said earlier, I can easily imagine wanting to go and support them at the hospital, if their wife was being rushed to theatre (especially at only 26 weeks pregnant when the risks to the babies and the mum are clearly greater), but that support can and should be given without overstepping the daughter in law's boundaries. Wait outside theatre with your son, be in the waiting room - but what the OP's MIL did clearly went way over the line.

My PIL came to the hospital to visit me and ds1, within hours of me giving birth, and later on, they took dh home and made sure he had a meal (this was in the days when visiting times were limited, and I had had a very long labour so wanted and needed to be left in peace - they weren't taking him away to make sure he was fed and rested when I still needed him).

But the key difference is that my PIL knew my boundaries and respected them. My own parents couldn't be there - they lived too far away - and anyhow, my relationship with my mum was never that close, and I had a great relationship with my MIL.

Unless I've misunderstood, you were out of surgery, out of recovery room and in the ward side room? So no reason for them to believe you were dead? If they were still in shock about what had happened prior then is it not also reasonable to assume your MIL was in shock/concerned and misjudged her place in the room? Yes she was wrong but isn't it possible she just made a mistake and not thinking straight either?

They were all in that room all three of them without me and then I cake back and 5 minutes later opened by eyes. Until that point my mum thought I was dead. Her reasoning was she used to work with aesthetics and knows how long a cesarean takes, and I was gone hours.

So your MIL thought you might have been dead too? So also in shock/upset/worry?

Writing a letter and burning it may actually help.

@LunaforJest. You misinterpret my comment; wilfully, I suspect. Nowhere did I excuse the behaviour of OP's DM or DH, who as her birthing partners should indeed have intervened, as should NHS staff for whom patients' privacy and dignity is enshrined in their code of practice. I've made this point in a prior post. OP's wishes were not adhered to and various people have a shared responsibility for that. What I DID take issue with as bullying - there in my post in typeface for all to see - was telling a traumatized mother her own mother couldn't give a stuff about her. And I fully stand by that view.

As a postscript, there's nothing whatsoever 'very wrong' with me. And whilst we're on that point: another personal attack? You do surprise me.

Oh my God!! In that case, your MIL is a victim too then!

Fact is neither your mother or husband did a single thing to pull her out of that room. You weren't being operated on at the time, you were in a stable condition and they were waiting for you to come around. So the trauma had passed, and they still sat like stunned mullets staring at the floor!

I am so glad I am not you as if you in years ahead are God forbid in a car crash, or some similar accident or have a stroke or a heart attack, they will be too stunned to even answer any questions or sign any forms in an emergency. Seriously what use will they be to you, if they cannot even be strong for you and advocate for you? They're useless. And you know it. I feel for you because you have no one you can depend on.

When she got there yes however she didn't know that when she was notified originally.

The other reason I'm angry is if my babies had died which was a very real chance I would feel my only time with them was tainted by her.

Like pp’s it does sound as though you are focusing on this to avoid confronting the rest of the traumatic experience, which is understandable.
You say that you are fine about the birth but last week you were starting EMDR

“18/02/2019 23:36 Seline

Busy it's interesting you mention PTSD. I recently realised I may have issues with trauma regarding my recent vulnerability and spoke to someone about it who agreed it's potentially "mild PTSD", I'm starting EDMR therapy for it soon. I wonder if that's what's causing this, amplifying what may ordinarily feel like an annoyance into feeling like a heinous crime.”

I think you’ve answered your own question on why this bothers you so much.

My sister in law was rushed into theatre during her birth. My brother phoned me and the terror in his voice had me there ASAP. I sat with my brother throughout when sil came out of recovery and was moved to a private room my dB went to nicu to check on the baby and left me with sil. We’re not really very close and I would not be the first person on her list to see her asleep after major surgery but my brother couldn’t be in 2 places at once and didn’t want her to wake up alone.
If my brother was in the room when she woke up and was standing against the wall staring at the floor in silence (as you said your dm and dh were doing) I probably would have leapt in too thinking they were in some sort of shock and wanting to reassure the patient.

I think you’re being unkind to your mil I don’t think any of the things that you have accused her of have been done with any form of malice, you are just different people. In regards to asking to hold the baby unless the mother is breast feeding every single person I know would have done the same thing to a new baby when visiting.

Oh my God!! In that case, your MIL is a victim too then!
Fact is neither your mother or husband did a single thing to pull her out of that room.

Erm no. She didn't see me bleed out and collapse on the floor. She didn't have to go running into the corridor screaming for help, she didn't witness any of the procedure. She didn't hear me saying to DH "make sure they don't blame themselves if they live and I don't."

He did say to her that I didn't want an audience as I posted earlier. He can't remember why she didn't leave.

And no my mother and husband are not useless. They're both fantastic people and provide me with everything I could ever want. More than most actually - my mother stays over several nights to help with night feeds, how many people get that?!

I am unfamiliar with your other posts. You sound like a drama queen, no offense intended. Grow up. It’s done, you can’t change the past. Who the heck worries about seeming “vulnerable”? Isn’t that a human condition?

It sounds to me like you need counseling on your control issues and continuing to dwell in this.

I asked about it and was told I don't need it as there's nothing wrong.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks "was telling a traumatized mother her own mother couldn't give a stuff about her"

Perhaps you deliberately misinterpreted my comments. The OP is clearly not traumatised now as she is stubbornly determined to excuse her DH's and mother's inactions and attack myself and others who attempt to reason with her. Focus on my frustration with her if you wish and use that for your own personal attacks on me. The FACT of the matter is her own mother was NOT...THERE...FOR....HER......IN THE MOMENT when she really needed her. Maybe that is normal for you. However to me, it is foreign that my mother would be seated just......staring at the floor and doing nothing at all when she knew how I felt about people in the room. No matter how stressed you are, as a mother, it does not take much presence of mind to go in and even having a quiet gentle word with the MIL. Come on, surely that is not so hard? I stand by everything I said, and yes, if you are attacking what I said, which - lets be honest, is the plain truth, then you are imo enabling.

Sorry haven't rtwt.
But fwiw, I think it's unbelievable that your mil was there when you woke up! Totally batshit! Why the fuck was she in there!?

Is she's the sort of person who pushes herself into every situation, with no consideration for anyone's feelings etc.? Being around people like this is awful, especially if your dp struggles to stand up to her.

Anyway, to move forward you need to feel like you have boundaries. So you need to decide what boundaries are important for you and dp and how you will defend them in future. It's not easy to do, but it will get easier over time. Hopefully starting this process will help those vulnerable feelings to fade. Good luck op.

Who the fuck thinks it's okay to see someone straight after birth?!

According to this thread, and lots of other threads on MN, a lot of people do. I’m not one of them, and neither are you. But we are not objectively right.

Our preferences should be respected when we have just given birth - I’ve advocated this strongly through this thread.

But other people who think differently aren’t automatically wrong because they would be fine with this after their births doesn’t make them wrong or bad.

That’s where you need to separate your thinking on this. Your MIL thinking that immediately post-birth, or other times of stress/trauma, are times for a wider family response is not objectively wrong. It does not make her a bad person. Lots of people feel that way. It is not reasonable of you to feel angry with her for that.

Where she fucked up was that she didn’t try to understand or respect your preferences. She was selfish and thoughtless.

It will be useful to you to be able to separate out those two things, as currently you are angry with her for her preferences in how she likes these sorts of circumstances to be handled, as well as being angry with her for not respecting your preferences. Only the latter anger is reasonable. And as I said earlier, it’s up to you how you deal with that anger now.

OP what do you think was going through your MILs minds in those moments your DM
and DH were waiting in an empty room not knowing if you had survived? What do you think her emotions were?

OP, I'm with you. I would have absolutely hated this. So invasive.

I'm still furious at my MIL and SIL for following us home from the hospital after I had my first born so they could have "more cuddles". I was in agony from stitches and hugely traumatised from the birth and sat in the kitchen alone and cried whilst they all played pass the parcel with my lovely newborn. It completely ruined the day we brought DD home and I will never forgive them for it, and never forget.

Your situation was so much more difficult than mine. I empathise massively.

I don't understand why you made this thread. All the professionals have apparently told you you're being totally reasonable and there is nothing whatsoever wrong with you, and you refuse to accept any point of view other than your own, so why then post a thread on AIBU? The notoriously most argumentative section of the forum too!

Who the heck worries about seeming “vulnerable”? Isn’t that a human condition?

People with privacy and dignity?

I have a Public Selina, a Private Selina and an Inner Selina. Everyone gets to see Public Selina, a few people see Private Selina but Inner Selina rarely makes an appearance except to a handful of people. She is the part of me that opens up and exposes weakness, and even I am uncomfortable with her making an appearance too often.

Private Selina is who I am most comfortable being. Myself at my freest, more armour to face the world than Inner Selina who is vulnerable but not so much armour that Public Selina wears to the extent it impairs my enjoyment.

MIL was only ever allowed to meet my public persona and intruded on my most intimate one.

Does that help explain it?

Is she's the sort of person who pushes herself into every situation, with no consideration for anyone's feelings etc.?

Yes.

Jassy your post makes a lot of sense. I suppose I'm categorizing her response as wrong when it wasn't objectively wrong just inappropriate given I don't like it.

turncloak that's horrible, how upsetting.