To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

To be fair they didn't know I'd wake up exactly then.

I'm also mad because I feel she is tainting my time with my last babies

OP. You really won’t face up to it will you? Can’t you see that it isn’t MIL who is tainting your time with your last babies? It’s you, by refusing to listen to all the good advice to access some form of therapeutic intervention. You seem determined to hang on to this but you are your own worst enemy. I suspect that although he won’t say it, your husband must be at his wits end.

YANBU

I feel like she stripped me of my power when I was at my weakest and I now feel like she needs to be held to account for what she did to me.

It's a bit Greek tragedy isn't it?

I shouldn't have to have to deal with this at all. Its not fair.

But I shouldn't be in this position at all! That's my point! I shouldnt have to do this.

But you're not seeing that the 'this' is of your making because you can't get past your anger. Bad things happen. You deal with it and move on.

Someone does something you don't like? Tell them.

You're expecting an apology to arrive out of thin air. Is she even aware how upset you are?

Stamping around in a private rage for 4 months is really not healthy.

I'd be thanking MIL for being the strong on

What did she do that was strong?

I'm absolutely with you on this one, I too would have been horrified if this had happened to me. I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. This has nothing to do with MIL bashing this is about privacy while you were coming round. I get it.

Seriously, just calmly tell her.

It really upset me when you did...... It made me feel..... I don't understand why you did it. Can you help me to understand?

I suspect you'll get an answer about being so worried and just wanting to see you physically to see if you were ok and that that's what his family do.

Yes that answer is about her and her needs, but you forgive your DH and Mum for not being rational and doing what you wanted in a moment of emotional stress. Perhaps, crazy idea, you MIL actually cares if you die or not, if her grandkids live and if her sin would ever recover from that? Perhaps she was acting as irrational as the two people you forgive for standing there and not telling her no?

But then if you forgo e you MIL you might actually have to deal with the fact that a prem emergency birth stripped you of your power. Doctors and nurses and all the other professionals strip you of the ordinary moments with your babies because they need so much different to your older boy. Shit happens has ruined everything these months should have been.

But you carry on telling yourself that life would be perfect if she'd not come up the hospital for a week.

She didn't fall apart did she ? What use were your DH and DM ?

@SleepingStandingUp Oh do wake up to yourself! You are making excuses for the husband's behaviour. It was the husband's job to control his mother in this situation, it ABSOLUTELY WAS. Of course a husband and mother would be worried, however a decent husband and decent mother would put her worries to one side and PUT THEIR WIFE/CHILD FIRST!! (Sorry for shout, bold and italic are mucking up on me) I cannot believe you think it is ok for BOTH husband AND mother to crumble and not be concerned about the wants and needs of their spouse/daughter. I feel sorry for any spouse/child you have to because you are way, WAY out of order saying that a spouse or mother should be excused for not putting their spouse FIRST. What sort of selfishness have you and OP been raised in, that a spouse/mother not putting their wife's/daughters needs FIRST is so foreign to you? Only so many things can be excused by stress and worry. Your JOB as spouse/mother is to put aside your own feelings and put your wife's/daughter's needs first.

This really should not need to be explained. smdh!

So now that you’ve reached the conclusion that to make you feel better your MIL needs to be punished, precisely what form do you envisage this punishment taking OP? Given that public flogging is no longer a thing I suspect that the only thing that will satisfy you is if your husband cuts off all contact with his family. That’s what you really want isn’t it?

"What did she do that was strong?"

Well the MIL did a hell of a lot more than staring blankly at the floor, that is for sure!!

But then if you forgo e you MIL you might actually have to deal with the fact that a prem emergency birth stripped you of your power.

I accept that though because it was necessary. It was unavoidable. But this was avoidable.

And no I'm not asking him to cut contact

Well the MIL did a hell of a lot more than staring blankly at the floor, that is for sure!!

No she didnt. She invaded my space and then pissed off.

My mum on the other hand spent almost every night at the hospital with me. She bought me food from home, bodywashes and face creams, books. She ensured my older DSs life was uninterrupted (as much as it could be). My husband was there often too and did similar. When I wasn't getting the drugs on time they'd go and sort the issue out, they'd fetch things from the shop for me. She would go to my house and clean it while my husband was at work. Actual practical support. Not looming over me like some sort of shadow figure when you're waking up.

Honestly you sound self absorbed, petty, and slightly grandiose.

The ones I feel sooty for are you unfortunate DH and DC

Why am I self absorbed to want the birth to be something I get to decide?

But I shouldn't be in this position at all! That's my point! I shouldnt have to do this.

But it did. It happened, and you can’t change that it happened.

Your choice now is what to do about the fact that it happened.

Bringing you food, giving you face creams, can sort your meds out, but can't even ensure you have privacy. How one acts in an emergency is when you really see their true strength. I could do without the books, the face creams, the food; but I could never get past a mother who would not be my advocate when it most mattered. That is what counts. Not the other trivial stuff.

It's not trivial. So what did MIL do that was so great other than violate my wishes? She should have known better.

Nice victim blaming of my mum and DH though who were witnesses to what happened.

I doubt she was there to see you. She wanted to see her grandchildren. She’s probably just a bit disappointed their mother is so unpleasant.

Way to speak to a traumatized new mother. I hope some of the posters making these comments are proud of their bullying - and yes, bullying is exactly what is is. That's not to include those who for whatever reason agree OP is being unreasonable, and have stated so in robust but polite terms, nor the ones who are recommending she considers therapy. But it certainly includes posters like this, or others who are making deeply derogatory comments attacking her in the most personal terms, or telling her her mother 'couldn't give a stuff about you'. Nice. Real nice.

These people need to take a close look at themselves and ask who the mean kids at their school really were, and also whether they'd want their own children to be the targets of such meanness; whether they feel they're 'reasonable' in their stances or anger, or not.

This OP has suffered a very recent and extreme trauma, and is posting on a site which might be her only way of venting her anger. (Nb. it's sod all to do with anyone else how much time she spends online. I sat on my arse for hours at a time breastfeeding my newborn. If Mumsnet want to police how many threads and on what topics a member posts on here, that's their job.)

Before anyone points it out, I know the reputation of Mumsnet and AIBU, and that anyone posting here better be prepared for what's coming to them. It's reasonable to expect you are going to hear some things you don't want to hear. What you shouldn't have to expect - ever - is en-masse bullying from supposed grown adults who should know better.

OP, I fully understand your anger and your need to vent.

As for some of the others? You disgust me.

OP - pages and pages of people replying. And it is a drip feed btw. As it's clear you've made other threads in a similar vein - that have included other information. Which you then failed to put in your OP.

If you hate your MIL so much, just cut contact. Good luck

Mariel thank you

The other info is barely relevant here.

@Seline you sound very unhappy (going by the lots of threads you've got going on) and that you can't get over what happened with your twins.
I get that but I don't understand this anger towards your mil. She was there to support her son, she's also your children's grandparent so she not a stranger. By the sounds of things you need some therapy/counselling, it's not healthy to hold silly grudges and pent up anger over something so trivial, you'll make yourself ill.

Have a large one and chill out. Enjoy your kids and try and find some peace.

"She should have known better."
Your MOTHER and DH should have known better than to let it happen!

"Nice victim blaming of my mum and DH"
You were the victim. Your mum and DH were not. They were enablers.

"though who were witnesses to what happened."
Witnesses who ALLOWED your privacy to be destroyed. Who 'witnessed' and did eff all to stop it. Your own mother and DH allowed it to happen and didn't give a damn. They are the ones who should be punished, who you should be angry with. Neither of them covered themselves in glory, neither of them could be arsed to do anything to stop her. They were completely useless to you in an emergency. Face cream is trivial. Being an advocate for your is their prime job, they couldn't even do that. You still are in denial. If either one of DH/mother acted, and the other didn't, it would be still better than neither doing anything. Neither your DH or mother gave a damn enough to stop her. They allowed it to happen. They are the ones who should be blamed and punished. You're in so much denial.