To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

You are not wrong for feeling how you do, and actually I would feel like my privacy had been breached also.
The question is what did you want to do about it? As lovely as this lady may or may not be (how would I know?!?) she seems to grasp understanding and respecting your boundaries very difficult, is she likely to change?

Perhaps you wouldn't benefit from talking therapy, but CBT might help. No one can undo what MIL did – and for what it's worth I think she behaved awfully – so the only solution is to find a way to let go of your anger, frustration and upset, because that's what's tainting your time with your babies. Going over and over the memory can't undo or change it. What's done is done; the only thing that will help is moving on from it. (Which doesn't mean forgive and forget and life's all roses! It just means you could be happier.)

She isn't likely to change. Which is why I don't trust her with the DC.

I actually heard her once say to my DH "well just don't tell Selina then!" when he asked her not to do something with the DC because I don't like it.

Tbh I think what will make me feel better is DH telling MIL that she was wrong and that she needs to apologise to me.

But you have a choice. Think about it and let it destroy you or don't think about it, and move on.

You might not have had a choice in her being there, but you have a choice in how much power you let this whole situation have over you.

Just think about it.......all these posts (and there are many) have collectively taken hours upon hours to write. That's time which could be spent positively with your children instead.

She's taking up your headspace because you're ALLOWING her to. I don't know why you would choose to do that.

"My twins sleep a lot and I'm always a passenger in the car to various appointments hence why I can vent on here"

With very young twins and a toddler with SN you spend a huge amount of time on time on your threads, this one today alone you have been on loads. You obviously must have someone with you constantly to allow you to do this (I say this from personal experience of multiple DC with SN!) Wouldn't your free time be spent more productively taking up all the suggestions of pro active help you have had on numerous threads? I think you did say you were seeking professional help for PTSD on another thread.

I don't think these circular, argumentative threads are actually helping you - or MNers who are trying to support you.

But I shouldn't be in this position at all! That's my point! I shouldnt have to do this.

I've figured out what I want though even i think it's unreasonable. I think I want her to be punished or to face the consequences of what she's done. I feel like she stripped me of my power when I was at my weakest and I now feel like she needs to be held to account for what she did to me.

So this has helped me figure that out. As I say fairly unreasonable but it explains why I'm not willing to let it go.

There's nothing wrong with me. I've asked professionals about it and they all agree I'm fine. My response is apparently normal given what happened.

I've figured out what I want though even i think it's unreasonable. I think I want her to be punished or to face the consequences of what she's done. I feel like she stripped me of my power when I was at my weakest and I now feel like she needs to be held to account for what she did to me.

OK OP good luck with that.

I'm not wasting any more of my time on this thread, I suggest you do the same.

Why do you think you can give suggestions to me?

"because they obviously aren't thinking straight if they think I'm dead?!"

They are supposed to be there for you!!!! They NEED to think straight. That's what you don't seem to understand!! They are supposed to be the ones who don't lose it, as you need them. You need them to think about you, advocate for you. Being worried and upset is one thing, but your own mother starring at the effing floor? Not even asking questions if her daughter is alive or not, seriously it does not take much to hold it together to ensure you are ok. If they cannot keep it together for your sake, what good are they? Ironically, your MIL is the only one who seemed to give half a damn about you. You tell us your DH did nothing, and your mother stared at the floor and did nothing.

And your MIL is the bad one? MIL is probably all you say she is, but your 'D'H and mother are far far worse!

by taking up headspace with her selfish need to be the centre of attention at MY birth
You control thst. You choose to give her heads pace and think of it and focus on it. Maybe it's easier to deal with that than what's going on with the twins.

It sounds like they're both home with you? That's fricking amazing it with so many apps etc it can also be scary and overwhelming. You can end up feeling like you have so little control over your own kids because all these professionals are involved.

But YOU are focusing on (YES a huge overstep but...) what happened in one moment.

You have the power to let it go. Write her a letter telling her how you feel and burn it. Make a choice to think "it happened and I had no control but it's gone now and it doesn't have to affect my life"

MIL was wrong but it sounds like a cultural stubbornness rather than her doing something mean to hurt you. You're taking it as though she did this just to piss you off and hurt you. She didn't.

Oops posted to early:

"They know me well enough to not pull crap like this"
Clearly not, because if they knew how upsetting that would be to you, they would have frog marched her out of your room. Not stared at a floor like stunned mullets. They obviously didn't realise how much it would affect you, because if they did, your MIL would never have been allowed to remain in the room, all the way til you woke up.

Luna You have a shocking lack of empathy. People who witness trauma can't exactly be expected to think straight. Grow up.

"Bray but she did this to me. I was fine. I shouldn't have to have to deal with this at all. Its not fair."

Your husband and your mother allowed her to do it. They are the ones who you should be far more angry with. As they should have acted as your gatekeeper, your protector.

He's a birth partner

No, he’s the baby’s father, you know, the other parent. Ffs.

Why do you think you can give suggestions to me? hmm

Because you posted on a public forum asking for feedback on a situation.

Goodbye OP I do wish you luck to get past this, you need to.

"People who witness trauma can't exactly be expected to think straight."

Yes! Your MIL cocked up - and an adult conversation where you explain that would be entirely appropriate. And then you move on. No punishment required.

I think you are looking for agreement that you are right to cut her off.

It won't solve anything but go on then.

but she did this to me. I was fine

You would have to be completely superhuman to be ‘fine’ after a traumatic birth and a NICU stay. And I think you do know this, because while you have seized on your MIL as the source of all your anger and frustration and fear here, your previous threads have discussed other possibilities and other non-MIL-related effects the whole experience has had on you.

You are 100% justified in feeling that your MIL should not have done what she did. You are also on a hiding to nothing if you think loading all your feelings about this birth and aftermath onto your relationship with her will fix anything in the longer run. People aren’t suggesting counselling here because they are siding with your MIL, they’re doing it because they are seeing something that you don’t want to look at.

I'd be thanking MIL for being the strong one.....Luna is right your DH and DM fell apart......

@Seline No, I have empathy and I understand trauma more than you ever will. You are the one making excuses for a deadbeat husband and a mother who couldn't give a stuff about you. You are in deep denial, and you are the one who needs to grow up. If you think it is ok for a spouse or mother to go to water when their child NEEDS THEM THE MOST, you are as selfish and heartless as your 'd'H is and your mother. Perhaps you and your MIL all deserve each other. Seriously, you are not normal in your thinking.

Why do you think you can give suggestions to me?

Hello, welcome to Mumsnet. You talk about what is oissing you off, people say if you're unreasonable or not. With their answers will come opinions and ideas. It is not a poll where people answer 👍🏻 or 👎 then leave.

There's nothing wrong with me. I've asked professionals about it and they all agree I'm fine. My response is apparently normal given what happened.

Traumatised IS normal, given what happened. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

@QueenofmyPrinces

*I can see why she would be hurt and angry that this was allowed to happen.

And you think this level of anger is normal 4 months later? To the point of talking about damaged relationships and needing to protect her children from MIL?*

Well, in my experience when you don't acknowledge an issue, tell someone that their feelings aren't really important and that they should move on, that is exactly the opposite of what usually happens. Instead, the hurt and anger continues to fester. So I am not entirely surprised that OP has not "just got over it because her DH wanted his mum there, so it's fine".

I think that had it been acknowledged that what happened was upsetting for OP and against her expressed wishes, and therefor should not have happened, it is more likely that OP would not be so hung up on this particular issue. I also suspect that this incident is just a concrete example of how she feels that he feelings aren't really listened to. I wonder if OP fears her MIL imposing her wishes/thoughts/feelings on other matters and that her DH will not oppose his mother? I am not saying that IS the case, or even that her DH would do that- I simply don't know- but I wonder if that is what OP fears and why she is wanting to "protect" herself and her children from MIL.

It may not be rational from your point of view, but when your wishes have been ridden over roughshod at a time when you are most vulnerable, it can make that feeling of vulnerability more profound. Worse, it can make the though of being in a vulnerable position more frightening- because now there is the fear that what you want will be ignored again if you aren't in the position to make sure they are respected. If you are already wary of letting others see your vulnerability, as OP has said, this is more likely to confirm that you were right than show that it is ok to let others in.

To have that happen to someone whilst they were unwell, recovering from a major operation and waking up with no idea what the outcome had been for your babies and whilst most likely in pain and confused- i.e. when you are at your most vulnerable- is an upsetting thing. I say it again- in no other medical situation would this have been countenanced as 100% fine. Some people may choose to take the view that as OP's DH was getting support from his mum OP should just suck it up, but I don't think that's fair.

Although I do think it likely that MIL was worried about her son and wanted to be there to support him, which is totally reasonable, and was simply thoughtless and being a bit bossy/matriarchal rather than malicious (unless she has form for the latter). OPs DH is really at fault here as he did know what OP wanted to happen, yet did nothing about it. He could easily have asked his mum to wait outside until OP felt ready to see her, and she could still have provided support to him.

As it happens, I think OP does need some help to come to terms with the really tough time she's had. With that, she may be able to let go of her anger (not because she is not entitled to that anger but because it is going to cause her more damage than anyone else) and find a more positive way forward. None of that changes the fact that what happened wasn't fair, at a time when OP felt vulnerable.

You are the one making excuses for a deadbeat husband and a mother who couldn't give a stuff about you
Oh do shut up Luna.
Her husband can't control his mother and perhaps you'd have preferred him to start a stand up row in recovery but tough. It's perfectly normal for people in shock to be numb and not think through every consequence of someone else's action. He isn't deadbeat for not stepping in one time when he was emotionally exhausted and had no idea OP was about to wake up.
And what did you expect her Mum to do, who was also petrified she was going to lose her daughter? Just in the MIL and wrestle her to the ground?

You are TOTALLY out of order for suggesting that because they didn't act how you would that they don't care about her