To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

She has shown herself to be an unpleasant person who doesn't respect me and I will protect myself and my DC from her.

Op, whilst I have said I totally sympathise with how you feel as my mil did the same to me I would encourage you to not let your feelings have a possible negative outcome on any relationship that your mil might have with your babies. I generally can’t stand my mil , she’s tried to fuck up several big events in my life (wedding, poor conduct at 1st birth and barged in after my 2nd with her other son (I also had a near death experience that time) when I was on the ward having a debrief with the doctor) and countless other things that would probably trump any mil thread I have ever read on here. I wouldn’t go so far to say I hate her now but there have been times when I would have said it and I’d have happily cut her out of our lives. I kept the peace because I didn’t want to take any future relationship with ‘granny’ away from my kids, and low and behold my eldest loves spending time with her (my kids also don’t have grandfathers on either sides so that was another factor). Also not fair on my dh. If this is her only misdemeanour please don’t burn bridges, I don’t think it’s fair to decide which family relationships your children are allowed to form. Unless the woman is really dangerous or completely incapable of being around children, I’d urge you to reconsider your actions even if you can’t work through your feelings.

I would feel the same as you op.
It’s that self importance presumption that after you’ve been through such a trauma, your mil was there first, in your space, without your permission and put herself before your dh and own mother. Why would she presume she would be the one to hug and console you before others who you’re closer to and who were right there!

Rant away. It would piss me off too.

Midwife here and YANBU at all. To be honest, I think it was wrong of the staff to even let her in at this point.

To recap, for those on here who are saying the MIL was there to support his son as his wife and children died... OP was rushed to theatre for a GA caesarean, but the message her DH sent MIL said nothing about this, simply that they were delivering the babies. MIL had no knowledge that this was a life-threatening emergency and still felt she had time to round up the extended family.

The point is, MIL wasn’t acting out of concern for OP or her DH. This was all about her wanting to act like the family matriarch (OP states that MIL had been at the births of all her other grandchildren and therefore considered herself an expert with an entitlement to be at this one). Women coming round from GAs are in additional pain, confusion and without knowledge of if their baby is alive. It is not unreasonable for the OP to just want her DH and mother there (this was agreed with DH antenatally) to reassure her. If MIL genuinely wanted to support her son, she could have waited outside - the staff would have got her if the worst had happened.

I see this so many times - relatives thinking they have a right to be there at the birth of “their” grandchild, while the poor woman’s at best shell-shocked and covered in blood, and we midwives are having to gently “remind” grandmothers sitting there cuddling, cooing and taking photos to give the baby back to its poor mother!

Op you sound completely irrational.

It is very obvious that you want it to be you, your children, your mum and your husband and no one else (going by your other threads too). That isn't fair on your husband.

This will continue to eat you up until you can find a way to deal with your feelings.

You say you want an apology from your mil - how many times have you apologised? I think there is fault on both sides here which is probably why your husband is trying to be diplomatic. I bet he also sees it as 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

I strongly disagree with those posters who say OP isn't entitled to her own feelings about who was present in her room when she was recovering from an operation in a life-threatening situation. She had made absolutely clear who she wanted in her room and MIL was not on that list. Yet she woke up, frightened and confused, and the first person she sees is her MIL. I can see why she would be hurt and angry that this was allowed to happen.

MIL could have been there for her son without being in OPs room. I have no doubt OP's DH appreciated his mum's support at a really frightening time. I can understand his brother wanting to be there to support OPs DH and that her DH would have found this reassuring. His wishes, however, do not trump OPs as she was the patient. I just cannot see why they could not have supported OP's DH without entering her room.

In no other medical situation would we tell the patient that their feelings and wishes should be disregarded in favour of their spouse or parents in law's.

@AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo

With respect, You are presuming a lot here

Having babies at 26 weeks is worrying and is not normal. My mum can tell from how I message it I'm upset/happy/sad. Maybe MIL could tell that her son was upset or worried and came down to see him in a panicked moment.

Maybe extended family were with her, we don't know. Maybe she was due to visit them and has to cancel....there are a lot of maybes they neither I nor you know

I'm not saying everyone behaved perfectly and don't necessarily agree with the way things were done but your post does presume things that haven't been said here

It sounds like you see a lot of difficult families and presuming this is the same here. OP hasn't said MIL went to see the babies at all so this doesn't seem to be the same thing

I don't think she should have been in the room but I think equally DH and Mum should have asked her to go. They were there as advocates for OP and have failed her as much as she perceives that MIL has failed her

I can see why she would be hurt and angry that this was allowed to happen.

And you think this level of anger is normal 4 months later? To the point of talking about damaged relationships and needing to protect her children from MIL?

1. She wasn't at the birth
2. I've had 2 c/s under GA and no one other than the birth partner was allowed in recovery, let alone an extended fami ly. Are you sure you weren't on the ward in a side room?
3. You need to seek help OP, it sounds as if you have deep rooted issues surrounding the birth/early stages of the DT s lives. Request a meeting with a midwife and go through your notes and try to get some closure.

Are you sure you weren't on the ward in a side room?
I think this is exactly where she was.

I'm sorry but YABU. Your mother was there. Why should DHs mother not be there. Its her Grand child, as well.

Or her grandchildren rather.

I think you are massively overreacting, because it's very minor. I think it's understandable though given your animosity to your MIL and your horrendous birth experience. I think it's more the possible PTSD you suffered that is making you angry so far along the line, and would suggest a referral for some counselling. You MIL being there was not unreasonable as she was supporting her son.

It doesnt matter if the OP was waking in the recovery room, a private room or the far side of Jupiter. She was still waking up from GA. It is a horribly confusing time which goes on for a while.

At that point MiL showed absolutely zero empathy for OP. OP didnt know what had happened. She didnt know if her babies had arrived safely, if she herself was out of danger.

The MiL looming over the OP and diving in for a hug must have been very frightening. The OP possibly had a sudden awful flash that everything had gone wrong.

Its her Grand child, as well but she wasn't visiting them, she was visiting OP. So the difference is OP's Mom vs OP's MIL. The kids were away in NICU.

It doesn't sound like OP's DH was in the room just the MIL

babyspider you know the babies weren't there? They were in nicu?

The op had a ga and major emergency surgery. She is perfectly entitled to choose who should visit her. Just as her husband would be if he'd just come back from theatre.

That was your entire inference when you referred to his mummy

Odd that this bothered you but it didn't when another poster sneered at women for "wanting mummy".

And actually the birth of the child is an event between the couple

Yet funnily enough the man doesn't even need to be present for the birth of a child to happen. He's a birth partner not a patient and should be treated as such

"She panicked when MIL turned up and couldn't face speaking to anyone because she didn't know what had happened to the babies. She said she stared at the floor in silence until I woke up."

So your own mother let you down, as well as your husband? I was in agreement with you that your MIL is selfish, I still am. However I have changed my stance because your MIL was only allowed to sit in your room with you because neither your mother or your husband could shake themselves out of their own daze to stick up for you. THEY failed you. Not your MIL. What happens if there is another medical emergency with you later on down the track, will your DH still be too 'dazed' to stand up for you? Will your mother just stare at the floor?

I know think you are directing your anger at someone you don't have a bond with, because it is easier than facing the fact that when push came to shove, in a moment of crisis, your mother and husband crumbled and could not be your advocate. Your mother knowing and doing nothing at all changes things. It changes things to your story entirely. Ultimately, you had the two closest to you, who did bugger all to advocate for you.

You were failed by your own mother, and by your husband. The MIL is a red herring and an easy target. If my mother stared at the floor and did nothing, I would never, ever, EVER forgive her. In fact, I think I'd almost go NC with my mother over that.

At least now you know you can't ever rely on your own husband and mother to advocate for you. They'll fold and be 'dazed' when you need them to pull themselves together, for YOU, they'll put their own 'dazed' feelings above your needs. I feel sorry for you because your closest are not capable of even going on autopilot for you, it is trying times that shows what people are made of, and people who should be there to advocate for you, cannot do it. Maybe you should hang onto her, as irritating and selfish as she is. She seems the only one who doesn't fold.

We're 27 pages in and I'm still not sure what the OP wants?

If it's to rant, then that's fine, it's AIBU and we're strangers, she can do that.

If it's for everyone to agree with her, then it's clear that's not going to happen.

OP you just keep going in circles, I'm sure this energy could be better spent on more useful productive things than this.

If posting on here was appearing to help you, then fine. But it really doesn't seem to be?!

The point is, MIL wasn’t acting out of concern for OP or her DH. This was all about her wanting to act like the family matriarch (OP states that MIL had been at the births of all her other grandchildren and therefore considered herself an expert with an entitlement to be at this one).

Exactly and this is what she always does.

Things she's done that at the time I found minor but now in context really piss me off:

1. told me I can't tell anyone I'm pregnant until 6 months because in her culture people can wish evil eye on people.

2. telling me to keep the genders a surprise

3. telling me not to tell anyone it's twins and so we can "surprise the family" after birth.

4. organising a baby shower despite me saying I didn't want one because I don't like parties. But making it after x weeks because of her culture views on evil eye instead of when it suited me.

5. telling me I can't go out for 6 weeks after I've given birth due to infection and can't take the babies out either.

6. turning up 2 hours late every time with no explanation contact or apology

7. demanding DHs presence at extended family birthdays even when I was unwell/we were busy and not accepting a polite no

I could go on but all these minor indiscretions coupled with this now make me furious. She also wouldn't accept that I didn't want visitors at home afterwards and kept harassing me about it.

because it is easier than facing the fact that when push came to shove, in a moment of crisis, your mother and husbandcrumbledand could not be your advocate. Your mother knowing and doing nothing at all changes things. It changes things to your story entirely. Ultimately, you had the two closest to you, who did bugger all toadvocatefor you.

Yeah it's the people who thought their wife and daughter was dying who are at fault and not the pushy woman no one invited. Those who felt upset and like they'd lost everything should've had to play security guard to someone. It's not that she should've known better is it.

OP I thought you said the problems with your MIL started only after this birth experience?

From your last post of a long list of things she has done to you, it is very clear you have had problems with her for a while, not just since your twins have been born.

Bray they did. I wasn't annoyed by any of that before. I'd be mildly irritated occasionally but that was all it was and it never got in the way. However since she did this those things give me the rage. They never did before.

I think it was page 19 OP wanted to forget about it.

Drip drip drip .. feed