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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:23

I also don't think the "you need counselling" line is helpful. Actually sometimes we just need a good rant and a fucking apology.

This is what I feel is probably what I'm after.

Your posts have summed up exactly how I feel. If I were to ever have another child (purely hypothetical) I wouldn't even tell anyone when the cesarean was and I would go alone with DH. I'd probably give them a fake date to be honest so they can all focus on that instead.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 09:24

OP your husband can’t see it either

You are forcing the people you care the most about to choose because you can’t see or figure out how thought processes of other people work
At some point she was too blame probably more than you

Now this is all you

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:26

Quartz I don't trust her after this. I don't trust her around the DC.

She came recently and I was holding one baby. She said after five minutes "can i have the baby?".

WHY would you ask to take a baby off it's mother when the mother hasn't stated she needs a hand?

OP posts:
MRex · 01/03/2019 09:27

@Seline Nothing can change that she did this to me and as far as I'm concerned it's broken the relationship.
Please just read this sentence to a counsellor while saying your MIL was checking on you after surgery. That's all she did, she checked on you. Your reaction is so disproportionate as to be utterly insane. There is nothing to "protect" your DC from and they'll see plenty of her when you're divorced on dad's time, so you need to start managing your over-reaction.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:27

I handed her the baby and said "great, you can watch them while I get on with other stuff then." and disappeared leaving her and DH with the kids while I did everything in the house. She seemed put out and as if she'd expected me to host.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:28

But it's ok for women to need support from their mummy is it?

Well yes, because the woman is the one who's either painfully squeezed a water melon sized person out her vagina or has had major surgery. She needs care that involves a person being present, and if that's her mum who makes her feel better then that should be respected.

If OP's MIL had been away for the week she'd have had to support her son from the end of a phone, and he'd have coped. There was absolutely no need for her to be there by the OP before she'd even woken up.

But husband isn't allowed to see his mum for support because that makes him a mummy's boy? Hhhmm weird

Who called him a mummy's boy? And if he doesn't see her enough that's his fault not the OP's

And yes I have been through it, I nearly died having DD, but watching someone go through that isn't nearly as bad as actually going through it whilst having the baby you've just carried for 9 months and given birth to ripped away from you because you need surgery. I'm sure it wasn't nice for my DH but TBH what I was going through and my needs were paramount and luckily he's the kind of man who recognised that and didn't once make it about him. I didn't have the energy to support him emotionally at the time, I could barely open my eyes and luckily he didn't expect it. He was also furious when he found out how his family had behaved in the postnatal ward and ripped them a new one.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:29

That's all she did, she checked on you. Your reaction is so disproportionate as to be utterly insane.

No, she entered a room when I was unconscious and stood over me meaning when I woke up unsure if my kids had survived and whether I'd had a hysterectomy (was warned it might have been needed to stop the bleeding) the first thing I saw was her standing over me and then she touched me while I still wasn't entirely sure what had just happened.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 01/03/2019 09:30

4 months is a very short time after such a traumatic experience so I dont think you are at all unreasonable to be 'still' feeling as you do.

You will still be unpacking what you went through at the same time as getting to grips with having gone from 1 to 3 children (a hell of a jump). Some of the things you went through you seem to have been able to categorise as 'horrible but necessary'. This helps with getting to grips with them and accepting them.

This experience with your MiL you havent been able to so comfortably categorise. It was, for you, unpleasant and unnecessary.

Trite as it may seem, time will help. It doesnt heal all but it can make things less oppressive.

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 09:30

) I wouldn't even tell anyone when the cesarean was and I would go alone with DH. I'd probably give them a fake date to be honest so they can all focus on that instead.

Who would look after your other children?

Tbh from what you say you are forcing your husband to be piggy in the middle and choosing between you and his family.

How will you feel if he decides that his mum should be able to see his children as much as your mum does?

You clearly dislike his family intensely and that is going to put him in an untenable situation (unless he agrees which doesn't appear to be the case).

I think you do need to challenge your way of thinking here for the sake of your marriage. A marriage is a partnership and you can't forbid your husband from having contact with his family.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:30

He was also furious when he found out how his family had behaved in the postnatal ward and ripped them a new one.

I would've felt better if DH had made a song and dance in my defence to be honest. That he tried to sort it diplomatically made me feel invalidated.

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:31

I don't blame you Seline! After I had DS the in laws got a phone call from DH, and when they text me to ask what visiting times were I replied to say in 2 days time at our house if I feel up to it. I bet they were seething that the vessel was putting them off for 2 days! Was a lovely visit from my best friend though who brought coca-cola, paracetamol, wine gums, a huge bar of chocolate and a big cuddle Grin

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:33

I haven't forced him to choose at all. He can do what he wants with them but I don't have to be present.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 01/03/2019 09:33

I have only had a GA once (non-emergency). I remember coming in and out of consciousness and seeing the nursing staff.

I would find it very odd that anyone other than NoK would be in the recovery room at all. So I think the MiL was out of order. Supporting her son didn't need to be in there.

She came recently and I was holding one baby. She said after five minutes "can i have the baby?".WHY would you ask to take a baby off it's mother when the mother hasn't stated she needs a hand?

Because sometimes the GP wants a cuddle? I don't think that was unreasonable.

Peridot1 · 01/03/2019 09:33

Because she is their grandmother and loves them?

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:34

I would've felt better if DH had made a song and dance in my defence to be honest. That he tried to sort it diplomatically made me feel invalidated

I completely understand. Had DH been "meh" about the way his family behaved I would have been upset. I wanted him to be as cross as I was! If it was my family I'd be just as angry, it's not an in-law thing

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:34

Surely you wait till the mother offers?

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 01/03/2019 09:34

Thread hadn’t refreshed so my reply was to “why would you take a baby off it’s mother?”.

And she didn’t take. She asked.

brookshelley · 01/03/2019 09:36

I haven't forced him to choose at all. He can do what he wants with them but I don't have to be present.

But above you said

I don't trust her around the DC.

So it's not just that you don't want to be present, it's that you don't want your DCs around her.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 09:36

I will never ever forgive her for violating my boundaries and attacking when I was vulnerable. I will never forgive her conduct afterwards
So what's the rest of the story? This is clearly about more than you waking up, her being there and her asking how you are/ getting DH.
How did she touch you?

WHY would you ask to take a baby off it's mother when the mother hasn't stated she needs a hand? OP you think the babies are just yours and Dh's. That people should only be near them if you NEED them to. Does you Mum not just cuddle them for the sheer pleasure of it? Does she never just hold them whilst you sit and hold the other one or just sit and drink hot coffee just so she can hold them and sniff their heads? I ask to hold my nephew because I love him. It isn't a hint for Sister toeave the room.

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/03/2019 09:36

Sorry OP but the more you post the more irrational you sound. It’s all crazy.

I agree with those who suggest you get professional help because the way you are thinking and behaving is really bizarre.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/03/2019 09:38

I honestly don't think I need counselling. Why should I have to do this when it's not me who violated someone's privacy? I did nothing.

Because 4 months later you are still one angry woman!!! Counselling is about you, for you. Not an insinuation of blame or wrongdoing.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 09:38

You also have another thread where a distant relative did something terrible once the babies were here. OK counselling won't work but you deffiantely have a lot of rage inside that you need to get out. Have you contemplated kick boxing??

ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 09:38

GunpowderGelatine

Oh you're one of those posters, as soon as someone says men shouldn't always be centered: you must hate men hmm in that case, you must despise women!

No, I'm a person with a caring and loving husband, who has been in a similar circumstance of having a traumatic birth. I understood then that my husband needed support too. You know, with them being his children as well and all.

There is a happy medium. It is possible to be concerned that both sexes are treated fairly, equally and with love and empathy. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

I care about the rights of both women and men, not sure how that can be seen as wrong.

From what the OP has posted, her husband seems loving and caring, and might have needed support too. It doesn't have to be her or him, it can be both.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 09:39

I honestly don't think I need counselling. Why should I have to do this when it's not me who violated someone's privacy? I did nothing
People have counselling because of things that happened TO them that they had no control over. People don't have counselling because they're bad people who did bad things.

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 09:39

Who called him a mummy's boy? And if he doesn't see her enough that's his fault not the OP's

That was your entire inference when you referred to his mummy and of course it's the OPs fault if she makes everyone's lives unpleasant if her husband sees his mum.

And actually the birth of the child is an event between the couple.