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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:54

Think about how you react to other people - do you behave in a way that seems right to you or do you check with them to see if it is what they want too?

To be fair I do check if I'd be imposing on people before I do anything.

OP posts:
brookshelley · 01/03/2019 08:59

OP are you taking the suggestions to look into counselling seriously?

Your MIL may well be completely wrong but being angry for 4 months means you need a way to learn how to process your emotions in a healthy manner.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:00

I honestly don't think I need counselling. Why should I have to do this when it's not me who violated someone's privacy? I did nothing.

OP posts:
brookshelley · 01/03/2019 09:02

I honestly don't think I need counselling. Why should I have to do this when it's not me who violated someone's privacy? I did nothing.

You can't change the past. You wish to. That's why you're angry and frustrated. Guess what - it's never going to happen. Your MIL was there when you woke up and that will never ever change.

Counselling will help you find ways to process this so that you can move on from it, and also tools to cope with future conflicts and boundary crossings.

It's not that the "loser" goes to counselling - it is not an indication of you being wrong and her being right. But you can't control her and you can't make her go deal with her issues so you can deal with yourself now before anger eats you alive.

Dreamingofkfc · 01/03/2019 09:02

The counselling isn't because you did something wrong, it just might help you process the whole situation. This isn't the first thread where numerous people have suggested to you to seek help.

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 09:05

To be fair I do check if I'd be imposing on people before I do anything.

Do you? Every time? I'm not just talking about visiting them, I'm talking about every interaction.

I suspect that you do what seems right to you or in a way that you would want to be done to you which is what most of us do and therein lies the problem. You might well be offending others by being a bit standoffish because to you it is waiting for them to ask but to them appears as though you don't care. Clearly you and your mil are entirely different people. You didn't like what she did but many of us here don't think what she did was categorically wrong, it was just wrong for you but you also say that she possibly didn't know this.

I agree with other posters - this has become your focus for all of your feelings around the birth of your babies. Really the only person being affected is you so it is in your interests to find a way to make peace with this.

JassyRadlett · 01/03/2019 09:05

I honestly don't think I need counselling. Why should I have to do this when it's not me who violated someone's privacy? I did nothing.

Because it may help you feel better. Honestly, that’s it. It’s not a punishment. You are the one who is (rightly IMO) feeling unhappy about this, and you are having trouble getting past it. Counselling may help you with strategies to be able to feel less angry in the long run.

This isn’t about who’s right or wrong, and counselling being about helping you to see it the other way. It’s about recognising that you are unhappy, and counselling potentially helping you find ways to feel less unhappy.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:06

Counselling won't make me feel better. It's a waste of time. Nothing can change that she did this to me and as far as I'm concerned it's broken the relationship. I will never ever forgive her for violating my boundaries and attacking when I was vulnerable. I will never forgive her conduct afterwards. She has shown herself to be an unpleasant person who doesn't respect me and I will protect myself and my DC from her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:06

She knows I don't like to be seen without the "armour" I described earlier and yet she did it anyway.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 01/03/2019 09:08

@seline I do have a very black and white thinking style and find it frustrating when people push things I've clearly stated my opinion on

Seeing as you are so rigid, exactly what do you want to achieve from this forum ? 27 pages of you being told you are possibly over reacting and you're still thinking you're right.

All I can say is LTB, go NC, blah blah blah, you sound very, very difficult to live with.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:08

As the mother of a son I'd be sure to keep a distance if that's what his wife wanted - pushing your way in is a sure fire way to end up one of those MILs who never get visited because you're such a massive PITA

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:09

Gunpowder exactly. So would I. I have two DSs and I wouldn't do this.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 09:10

OP your refusal to get out of your box of thinking is as much of a cause of the break as hers

You clearly don’t see the world in the same way as everyone else and that’s fine but you are also unwilling to counter the idea that other people do see it differently and that isn’t wrong. just different

JassyRadlett · 01/03/2019 09:10

Counselling won't make me feel better. It's a waste of time.

If that’s your view of it, then no it won’t. Smile I wonder why you feel that way?

I used to have similar views of counselling but I’ve found it helpful at particularly difficult times in my life.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:10

Mothers should be the priority when it comes to post birth recovery. The fact that that even needs to be said blows my mind. Mothers and their wishes should come first, if for no other reason than the sheer amount of threads on here from women traumatised and mentally ill months and years later because their rights and autonomy were stampeded over because everyone got overexcited at the birth of a shiny cute new baby and completely ignored the fact that there was a shattered exhausted and vulnerable mother behind it.

This sums it up perfectly. If men need support from mummy, then I'm afraid it's time to park for Male socialisation of coming first in everything and support the people who need you in that moment. This whole "oh it was worse for poor DH" makes me feel a bit sad that a dangerous and excruciatingly painful experience has been minimised by the very person going through it because of men's feelings

brookshelley · 01/03/2019 09:12

Counselling won't make me feel better. It's a waste of time.

Have you done it before? How do you know?

Are you thinking through this clearly? How will your relationship with your DH survive you cutting his DM off forever without making an effort to work through it? Is he OK with your DCs having no relationship with her over this?

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:14

You really hate men don't you? They're not all arses you know. Some men are actually kind, caring and love their wives and children, and deserve support.

Oh you're one of those posters, as soon as someone says men shouldn't always be centered: you must hate men Hmm in that case, you must despise women!

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 09:16

I've had it before for things that have upset me. I'm a perfectionist and sometimes get upset by things that I feel I didn't achieve in, but counselling did sod all about it. I'm better off dealing with it my own way.

DH says he can see both my side and hers and he doesn't think either of us is initially wrong but he thinks she's wrong in how she reacted later on. He's hopeful that me and her will eventually calm down as he says were both opinionated it's just that we have different opinions and that if we could see that we both feel as strongly as each other then maybe we'd understand each other more. I don't see that happening but...

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:17

See I find it hard to fathom why anyone would want to come and see a woman as soon as she's given birth. It's deeply private and the babies don't even do much when they're fresh. It's entirely selfish imo

I agree OP. Unless specifically asked I always wait until mum is home before asking for a visit.

You'd all think I'm terrible. After the shit show of behaviour in the postnatal ward when add Was born when I lay there recovering from surgery, 3 pints of blood down and barely able to move while my in laws loudly paraded round the ward with DD and ignored me, I decided when DS was born that my best friend could visit me and no one else (well except DH and DD of course). In laws met DS when we got home. I'm sure I was slagged off but if they'd behaved more respectfully I wouldn't have been so strict.

MRex · 01/03/2019 09:17

@Seline - If you want to understand then you could ask her nicely why she came to see you, but she'll only remember it was to see if you were ok. Maybe she also thought DH would need to go to NICU to see the babies and your mum might need a break, so she wanted to make sure somebody was with you? Maybe she was worried because neither of them were saying anything and she wanted to see how bad you were to know if her grandchildren would be motherless? She saw herself as your family in that moment, but you don't like her so you saw it differently. You have some other posters here who also think people should all think like you, but the fact is that they don't and you must make allowances in the same way you expect allowances to be made for you. Stop blaming your MIL for having a frightening birth experience when all she did was check on you and get counselling for the real problem, which is your babies being born very early in a traumatic experience for you.

SerenDippitty · 01/03/2019 09:20

OP I am sorry you had such a traumatic experience and understand your feelings about your MIL being there. Like others I think it might help to discuss your feelings with someone objective and non-judgemental. But I think you would have to actually want to feel better about this, to move on from it, and you seem to be seeking validation, not help.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 09:20

I also don't think the "you need counselling" line is helpful. Actually sometimes we just need a good rant and a fucking apology. OP, my local Trust has a "postnatal listening service" is fantastic - not counselling, but a midwife goes through your birth notes, answers questions, clarifies things and fills in a few blanks. It certainly helped me understand that what went wrong with my birth wasn't my fault and gave me clarity

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 09:22

. If men need support from mummy,

But it's ok for women to need support from their mummy is it?

The OP clearly states on other threads that she is always with her mum - that ok with you? But husband isn't allowed to see his mum for support because that makes him a mummy's boy? Hhhmm weird.

This whole "oh it was worse for poor DH" makes me feel a bit sad that a dangerous and excruciatingly painful experience has been minimised by the very person going through it because of men's feelings

Have you been through this?
I have. Parts of it were worse for my husband - belittle that all you want. I didn't witness my partner and child nearly dying. What would you say to someone who had witnessed an accident in which their partner and child were in danger? Suck it up buttercup? I'm not saying that I didn't matter in this I am saying that our experiences of the same situation were different and both deserving of support and understanding.

brookshelley · 01/03/2019 09:22

I also don't think the "you need counselling" line is helpful. Actually sometimes we just need a good rant and a fucking apology.

27 pages of rant hasn't helped, OP seems even more angry than when she started. And she cannot demand an apology, that is out of her control.

JassyRadlett · 01/03/2019 09:22

You have some other posters here who also think people should all think like you,

That’s utter nonsense. Posters who are pointing out the MIL overstepped boundaries are saying exactly the same as you - that the MIL was focused on her own needs, not putting the OP’s needs first. And we’re saying we don’t think that’s ok.

Apparently suggesting that the patient’s needs are the most important and should be taken into account by their visitors is subversive.

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