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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 07:45

GunpowderGelatine

Or he could have actually pulled his big boy pants up, and sat with his wife until she woke up

You really hate men don't you? They're not all arses you know. Some men are actually kind, caring and love their wives and children, and deserve support.

How about the OP 'pulls up her big girl pants', accepts this is something she can't change, and move on from it for the sake of her children?

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 01/03/2019 07:46

I love my MIL. We've had ups and downs but she's more of a mother to me than my own mother. She's completely the sort of person who will muck in during a crisis and keep a calm head. But I'd have absolutely hated it if she was the first person I saw post surgery let alone not knowing how my babies were. I'd have hated her pulling me up and hugging me too, in fact I'd have hated dh doing that as well tbh (a hand hold and a kiss post GA is enough until I'm at my full senses).

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:48

I think I'll feel a lot better once the babies sleep better too. I'm always furious when I don't get enough sleep.

OP posts:
tessica2 · 01/03/2019 07:52

@Seline I came to say you must be exhausted with four month olds. I don't think I slept at all with mine when she was four months, but I was sleeping just enough to start piecing together and remembering the birth situation (huge mistakes by hospital for me-a big mess)

I was quite angry too. I was tired and sleep deprived and everyone else has to suffer-and I only had one baby!

Hopefully you can get some sleep or rest soon.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/03/2019 07:54

It’s not about your MIL. It’s about the near death of your babies.

Livingoncake · 01/03/2019 07:57

So if bringing in the MIL in was OK because DH “needed support”, would it also have been OK for his brother or his best mate to be in the room to offer said support, against the OP’s wishes?

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:59

I was a bit like this after I had DS but not as bad. I really really hate almost anyone being around my during and shortly after giving birth.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 01/03/2019 08:02

It sounds as if you are both very different people. And there is nothing wrong with that. She maybe thought it odd that your mother was standing by the wall looking at the floor. Some people are tactile and huggers and some are not. It sounds to me that when you woke up she was emotional and relieved and her instinctive reaction was to hug you.

For a lot of people it’s normal to visit the day or day after a baby is born. The evening after I had DS so less than 24 hours later my parents, sisters, one BIL and a friend with her DH all visited me in hospital. Which was fine for ME but I appreciate not for others. So while you think it’s terrible for a lot of people it’s normal.

Whether you should still be dwelling on one aspect of it all at this stage is something else. It does seem logical to me that you would be traumatised and are angry at MIL because she is an easy target. You can’t be angry at anyone else. I know you feel you are aware of the logical stuff but I do think it would really be worth talking to someone professionally. That is not saying you have PND or PTSD but just that you would benefit talking to someone who is completely objective and can help you think things through.

Your MIL will always be your chikdren’s Grandmother and I am of the belief that generally we can never have too many people who love us so getting back to the old relationship you had with your MIL will benefit you all.

Sometimes you may have to bite your tongue a bit and sometimes she will. None of us are perfect but mostly we do things for the best. Sometimes we make the wrong decision for the right reason. Your MIL wasn’t being horrible - she was worried about you all but maybe overstepped a bit through concern and just being different to you.

I’m really pleased your babies are doing well now. My sis had twins and it is hard work! But lovely.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:08

See I find it hard to fathom why anyone would want to come and see a woman as soon as she's given birth. It's deeply private and the babies don't even do much when they're fresh. It's entirely selfish imo.

We are different people. Shes very much a read women's magazines, watch reality tv, lots of parties sparkly person. I'm more of a read quietly in the corner and visit museums by myself person. Neither is wrong but she doesn't seem to understand my preference for privacy.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 01/03/2019 08:16

I'm with you, I'd have been mortified to have had visitors descend on me while in hospital as I was in a right state. As a society we should have more respect for new mums, the mum isn't just a bystander to the birth of the baby.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:17

It seems that people find it exciting rather than what it actually is, an unpleasant frightening experience

OP posts:
soulrider · 01/03/2019 08:18

*When my son came round from an anaesthetic, it would have been very strange to have extended family in the recovery room.

Surely they wait until the patient goes back to the general ward?*

The MIL wasn't in the recovery room they were in the OP's private room. Her being there is equivalent to get being back on the ward.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:19

Surely you should wait until the patient is awake and able to say who they want there?

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 08:20

I think it is quite normal for close family and friends to visit. My parents, sister and brother in law and parents in law visited me within hours of my birhs. They were worried about us the first time and wanted to see me and my DD the second time.

The 2nd time I was on a main ward, exhausted after being in labour for 5 days and having a PPH - the ward was full of other people's visitors so it is apparently a "thing".

You clearly want to do it differently so I do think that it is for you to assert this clearly because people won't know otherwise.

I notice on another thread that you say you see your mum all the time. How often does your husband and the children get to see your mil?

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 08:22

Good job you had a private room and not the main ward - you would have had other patients and all of their visitors present when you woke up too.

BeardedMum · 01/03/2019 08:30

I am dreading becoming a mother in law from reading all the MIL threads on MN

Dreamingofkfc · 01/03/2019 08:32

Where I work in this situation and if the husband is present we would run visitors by him, unless the mum had said previously she didn't want anyone and then her wishes would override the husband.

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 08:34

Selene you have to stop putting your thinking onto hers. Because it won’t help you understand her mind at all, you can’t see the grey and neither do you want to. But continually wondering how she failed to see the black doesn’t help either

Your mum thinks the way you do so she validates you thinking as being right. Some posters do on here too. But in opinion and people’s actions it’s not clear cut it’s not so right and wrong

And that is what you need to learn to live with, both of you if you are going to coexist.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:36

Quartz but if I don't understand why I find it hard to process. It's so bloody basic to respect my privacy that I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 08:37

@Dreamingofkfc

I think this is the key - her mum and husband allowed mil to be there so they are all responsible.

Sparkletastic · 01/03/2019 08:41

I understand OP and would feel exactly as you do. If I were in your position if would affect how I felt about MIL permanently but I'm not sure there would be any point discussing it with her. It sounds like she lacks self-awareness and has cast herself in a role in the family that she revels in.

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 08:42

Seline

Think about how you react to other people - do you behave in a way that seems right to you or do you check with them to see if it is what they want too?

Say mil had surgery. What would you do?

kaytee87 · 01/03/2019 08:43

So she wasn't actually at the birth or there in recovery when you woke up? She visited you when you were back on the ward?

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 08:47

I notice on another thread that you say you see your mum all the time. How often does your husband and the children get to see your mil?

He doesn't see her often. However that's partly her fault. Prior to this she was welcome very often however she never made the effort to come to us but would whine at DH for not coming to her. She also has a go at DH constantly because we moved away. All her family live in one city and rarely leave it.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 01/03/2019 08:54

I think I'll feel a lot better once the babies sleep better too. I'm always furious when I don't get enough sleep.

No, I don't think you will feel better. And it will probably be years before you get enough sleep again by the way so you are going to be "furious" for years if you don't seek some support for this now.

What your MIL did was out of order. You need support to process the traumatic birth and what MIL did. Counselling would be hugely beneficial to you. You say you're fine, you're clearly not. There's no shame in getting counselling. It will really help you. And being fine is not just wanting to move on from this and brush it under the carpet, it is still bothering you and it was a hugely traumatic event that happened in your life.

I also think it is really insulting for other posters to tell the OP that she should just be glad her and the babies are alive and get on with it - how completely unhelpful. OP is not a robot presumably, she has feelings and emotions and of course is going to be affected by what happened.

OP - seek out some counselling / talking therapy. Go to your GP and ask for a referral.