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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
eclipse1808 · 01/03/2019 06:37

I partially get why you wouldn’t want her there but your mum was there, why can’t your DH have support from his DM too? If shit had hit the fan your poor DH would’ve been very glad his family were there for him

Anique105 · 01/03/2019 07:02

Op your clear dislike of her shines through. The fact that you are resenting her so many months on says more about you than her. It's as simple as she wanted to support her son and maybe yourself if you open your small mind up to that possibility.
It really shows you in a bad light not her.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:03

I don't understand why some people are saying "well she wasn't at the birth". Waking up after an emergency cesarean still counts as the birth surely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:04

You can't support someone by doing what they've explicitly said not to.

OP posts:
MRex · 01/03/2019 07:16

I'm sorry you had a traumatic time @Seline, at some point you need to work through the trauma you've been through, it seems like there's a lot of anger with nowhere to go that you're putting onto MIL.

You can't expect the nurses and midwives to police who goes in and out of private maternity rooms; because lots of visitors are traditional, at my hospital they said it was up to DH to organise who can / can't come in. Be fair here, for all they knew you had just said to your DH that she could come in.

It's unfortunate because if you liked your MIL then you'd have been pleased she was there for you all, but you don't and it seems you were pretending to get along with her. Of course that makes interactions so difficult in these circumstances when a normal loving response is to go to the hospital. Your mum and DH were traumatised and not thinking straight, it's fine to tell them you were disappointed that they didn't uphold your boundary of keeping others out, because that was their job, and that if you're on hospital again then you want it done differently. I hope you'll do it compassionately.

I still don't understand what you're blaming your MIL for though when they let her be there, my MIL would think that's the right thing to do and I'd be glad to see her. You could let her know if you're in hospital again that you want just DH and mum until you're feeling better because you felt vulnerable and scared seeing her first, but I don't know what else is actually helpful.

why100000 · 01/03/2019 07:16

It's as simple as she wanted to support her son and maybe yourself

By being in the OP’s private space when she woke up.

Nah - she can support her son in the waiting room.

Not sure why anyone would think this is not invasive.

When my son came round from an anaesthetic, it would have been very strange to have extended family in the recovery room.

Surely they wait until the patient goes back to the general ward?

And my son had had an operation on his arm - he hadn’t almost died in childbirth.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:19

The reason I'm blaming her is because she thought this was okay.

If someone robs a bank do you blame the police for not catching them or is the robber at fault for even thinking that behaviour was fine?

My mum and DH shouldn't have had to play security guard.

And I did used to like her to some extent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:21

My husband says in his family they usually all visit the hospital the day or the day after someone's given birth. That's awful to me.

OP posts:
MRex · 01/03/2019 07:22

You had already woken up @Seline, you've even said you remember the recovery room? I'm lucky enough to remember all of HDU and going down to the room, it was actually quite a long time after the surgery because of the monitoring for 4 hours in HDU then in my case just over an hour for the room to be available. We arranged for our parents to meet us at the room and they all turned up when we'd only been there literally 5 minutes because we'd thought we would get there earlier. The only difference from a hospital perspective is that I had told DH to call them and let them know they could come at 6pm, where you had told your DH not to let MIL in. The hospital wouldn't know which of us said what. That's why it's your DH and your mum who are responsible here.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:23

I don't consider the recovery room a true waking as it was some strange twighlight state. The first time I was actually fully conscious was in this room.

OP posts:
Mynotsoperfectlittlefamily · 01/03/2019 07:23

Fully on the OPs side. Her DH did not ask for his DM and siblings there they took it upon themselves.
Tbh if i had woken up to that OP i would have assumed the worst. So YANBU at all in my opinion. Your mum was there to support your DH at the time also. The birth and surgery and recovery is entirely about you and anyone who says different is trying to cause an argument. Hope you feel better soon about it. Enjoy the little ones they will soon be running around so much you will mostly forget xx

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 07:23

Oh OP it must be tough dealing with someone whose thoughts processes are different. Yours are straight down the middle black is black white is white no grey areas inbetween the recovery room was part of the birth

Your MIL lives clearly in shades of grey pushing boundaries as much as she can and because you don’t need to be in scrubs in c section the recovery room isn’t the birth

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/03/2019 07:24

You really need to let it go. You being this angry about it all this time later is really OTT.

What is the point in still holding this grudge against her? I don’t get it...

MariaNovella · 01/03/2019 07:26

No, of course your MIL shouldn’t have been in your room in hospital when you woke up. Flowers

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:26

Quartz I think that is part of it. I do have a very black and white thinking style and find it frustrating when people push things I've clearly stated my opinion on.

OP posts:
NeatFreakMama · 01/03/2019 07:31

I'm sure she was trying to be supportive rather than annoy you. She might be upset to hear you're so annoyed about it? Is it possible you're upset generally about the whole birth and she's got the focus of that. Sounds like a really difficult time for you anyway. Thanks

gerispringer · 01/03/2019 07:34

You can’t change what’s happened in the past- you can only change your way of thinking about it. The advice to get some counselling is a good one and you can work through all your issues. I can’t stand my MiL and wouldn’t have hated her being there after my EC, so I understand how you feel, but it happened, let it go and concentrate on your family now. One good thing is you will learn from it how not to behave when you are a MiL.

Lalotai47 · 01/03/2019 07:36

YANBU. I work in hospitals and we are quite strict with who can be with a new mother in recovery. After a crash section, you are going to feel extremely disoriented and vulnerable. She should have waited in the waiting room and the staff should have told her so too.

Not the same thing but this has reminded me of how pissed off I was that my MIL kicked off about being asked to wait a few weeks after my due date to come and visit from abroad to see our new born. She wanted to book flights for the due date initially. I knew from experience that she would be in our house for hours each day, expecting to be cooked for and generally looked after. I was right. She said I was unfair as I was allowing my own mother to visit from day 1! My mother lived nearby and would call in for a short time, do some washing for me, help out and be gone. Also, I was HER child and had gone through an emergency section and needed my mum too!

I get it OP.

Widowodiw · 01/03/2019 07:36

I would have thought she was there to support your husband under the circumstances. Imagine if something has happened to you and he’d been left without you and two babies. She was there to help. Even if you husband didn’t ask her to be there I think in these circumstances it was a reasonable call by her.

I nearly died 6 weeks after my son was born for appendicitis’s (believe it or not). Whilst i was in the operating theatre for a lot longer than expected by husband completely broke at the thought of loosing me and having a baby to look after despite him already being the best dad ever!
Ask yourself in the grand scheme of things does it really matter? You didn’t die? I assume your twins are ok? That’s all that matters.... move in enjoy life.

gerispringer · 01/03/2019 07:36

Would have hated her being there

Quartz2208 · 01/03/2019 07:39

Definitely and because you think you have stated something and it’s clear to your u what that means you feel she constantly overrules your boundaries

But because her thought process

So instead of saying things in the negative with her where her grey is different to your black (and in this instance she waited until it arguably wasn’t the birth put in the positive - please wait to see me when I am on the ward

So rather than saying please don’t come round unexpectedly or without notice where you mean without being invited she sees it as texting or calling to say she is coming round is notice. Simply give her a time that suits you once a week/fortnight/month

pinkcardi · 01/03/2019 07:40

@seline, it's clear that you had a truly horrible experience that is impacting you still.

The trauma that you had can feel life altering.

Having been through something similar I can absolutely understand why this makes you feel like you do. You were at your most vulnerable, probably the most frightened and confused you've ever been, and someone you have a strained relationship is there. That must be very hard to process.

I can also completely see the logic in her being there, but I know that this doesn't help you.

What I would say is that I hope you can reach out for some professional help.

It took me 6 months before I told my GP. I had weekly CBT which was amazing for 'getting over' the birth and aftermath, and then I went onto medication for PND, which worked.

I absolutely know how awful this all feels, and I can assure you that one day you will feel normal again, and that you won't look back on the birth and feel sick.

Thanks
brookshelley · 01/03/2019 07:40

I don't know if YABU or not, but you can't go on holding on to this much anger. I'd suggest counselling honestly. I've been in counselling for reasons far less serious than a traumatic birth, and it's helped me cope with some negative feelings I had towards MIL among other family members. You don't need to have PND to need some help.

ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 07:41

pallisers

I find you (and many others on this thread) very rude, very combative, very unlikeable. And deeply unkind.

I'll live.

Original poster
Seline · 01/03/2019 07:43

Quartz I definitely think we are on completely different wavelengths and that's why we sometimes get on each others nerves.

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