To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

Ok, I’ve had two c-sections and what I really can’t get past is that the MIL pulled the OP up as soon as she woke! What sort of person physically moves a person who has just undergone major surgery? Unless the woman is a complete idiot, I really think that was more about her need to be at the centre of the drama than about being relieved the OP was OK.

OP, I get it. Your needs should have been paramount at that time and they weren’t. I wouldn’t be comfortable having my MIL see me in that state of vulnerability either. Post-birth is really only a time for your most intimately close people, plus medical staff. I do encourage you to do whatever you must to move forward, but still... even years from now, when you’ve got past the anger, you’ll probably still roll your eyes when you think about it.

You’d if been woken in recovery after anaesthetic, by a trained anaesthetic nurse, not in a private room with 3 visitors. When awake enough you’d of then been transferred- your mil wasnt staring at you in the recovery department- this would not be allowed. You were already awake and conscious, but you mil is your first memory.

If you had a good relationship with your mil, and used to spend time with her alone as you’ve suggested, isn’t it natural she would come if you and her grandchildren are deemed at deaths door?

YANBU to feel the way you do because you can’t help how you feel about the event. But YABU not to try and see how circumstances have caused this sequence of events.

Have you had a debrief about your birth? The midwife could offer an in sight as to why your mil was not made to sit in the corridor.

I’ve spent many many years in anaesthetics. Not one family member has ever said woah that was horrendous upon awakening a patient, they all make light of the situation, elated that their relative survived, and reassuring them that they are safe now. This is a normal reaction.

You were already awake and conscious, but you mil is your first memory

I remember waking alone in the anaesthetic room. I kept asking where the babies were and told they were in the NICU but no one would tell me what happened. I then fell asleep again and woke up in that other room with MIL.

Regarding would she have known. Maybe not? I did tell everyone I didn't want people there but maybe she didn't understand that that applies even in an emergency? They're the sort of family that being everyone to everything.

To whoever said it's the principle of OP feeling like they brought the family for a day out. That's exactly it.

So you are complaining because your mil cares and wants to be there for you?

Forcing what you think is caring on someone who doesn't want it isn't great.

OP it sounds like you need a debrief from the midwives at least.

A debrief might be helpful as id like to know why she was let in.

My mum says she was sitting with my husband when MIL just burst in and took Dh to one side.

I doubt she was there to see you. She wanted to see her grandchildren. She’s probably just a bit disappointed their mother is so unpleasant.

Also if you complain it might encourage the hospital to change their rules or procedures for letting in visitors which could help other women in your situation.

I also think some of these grandparents would love to live in the Handmaid's Tale universe. I mean fuck the feelings of the woman who has given birth it's all about them playing dolly with their grandchild.

Oh and yes, those families that all turn up en masse to hospital with a relative like it's a day trip to the beach are a fucking nuisance to the hospital staff. They also more than often tend to be very intimidating and unpleasant people.

I can't believe how awful some people on this thread are being to a fragile new mum.

@Seline I totally get where you're coming from. At your most vulnerable time your rights were ignored, and you feel violated and betrayed as a consequence. Your birth was traumatic and terrifying, and to have these feelings compounded by the lack of control and autonomy allowed to you afterwards by people who should have been your advocates would be very hard to recover from.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I agree with PPs that day you should access help and counselling to work through these feelings and experiences. You've had a traumatic birth, you are not unscathed.

Your MIL sounds like a relatively pushy & insensitive type of person. Lots of people deal with pushy & insensitive MIL (see mumsnet for exhibits!) but you are finding it harder to cope with than most because you are still feeling vulnerable and shattered. You need to build yourself back up by accessing support, and then MIL won't seem so hard to deal with. That doesn't mean what she did was ok, but you might find it easier to move on and to deal with her pushiness in the future if you are feeling strong and clear headed.

And have you thought what support your DH needed? Perhaps he didn't want his MIL there when he was in a weak and scared state. I always think it is VU when grown women want their MIL at arms length but can have their mummy. Either your DH and you do it as a team, or you acknowledge you both have mothers. I don't buy into the idea the woman is giving birth has all say, even more so in this situation when it was traumatic for your DH too.

@SnuggyBuggy I agree.

Of course men & their feelings & needs should be the priority in literally every situation ever, including and especially childbirth. My god. 🙄

DH's mother could have 'supported' him from the hall or over the phone. She did not need to intrude on OP's private space while she could not consent. She grabbed a women who has barely conscious and who had just had an emergency caesarean!! How fucking dramatic, selfish and stupid can a person be.

OPs express wishes were ignored. She has every right to feel angry.

Mothers should be the priority when it comes to post birth recovery. The fact that that even needs to be said blows my mind. Mothers and their wishes should come first, if for no other reason than the sheer amount of threads on here from women traumatised and mentally ill months and years later because their rights and autonomy were stampeded over because everyone got overexcited at the birth of a shiny cute new baby and completely ignored the fact that there was a shattered exhausted and vulnerable mother behind it.

I like my MIL so this wouldn't be an issue for me at all. I have 3 sons and I hope I'm not banished to being on the end of a phonecall or in a waiting room to give support to them if their partners are in surgery on deaths door.

@heeblejeeble I also have DS, and if I am fortunate enough to become a grandmother I'll remember what being a new mum felt like and show my DIL that I respect her by following her wishes- especially when I disagree.

After what you have been through does it really matter? Your here so are your babies try and focus on that!!

OP, so she wasn't there during the birth, as you originally claimed, and she wasn't there when you first woke up. She was just there to visit later in the day. You've tried your best to make things sound worse than they were. Your MIL has done nothing wrong. You have an anger problem, and you need to seek help for your own sake and for the sake of those around you.

Those of you who think the husband’s need for support trumps the wife’s need for dignity and privacy: have you ever had a Caesarian?

I cannot underestimate just how exposed and vulnerable you feel in the aftermath. You are naked, with a hospital gown and a sheet placed over the top of you to spare your dignity. You are bleeding copiously, with a pad wedged between your legs. You are cathetered. You are attached to a drip. You are in no position to be grabbed and hugged, especially if you are still partially paralysed and unable to exert your physical boundaries.

Most of all, you are the PATIENT in this situation, meaning that nobody besides medical staff should be in the room if you don’t want them there. Women’s bodies are not public property just because they give life to new humans.

Women’s bodies are not public property just because they give life to new humans.

@Livingoncake 💯

I can't believe anyone would lift someone up and hug them following a caesarean.

Did she actually lift you from the bed?

I would have felt violated that someone I hadn't specifically requested had been there. And she calls herself 'the midwife' wtf is that about?

Boundaries disregarded definitely. To still be bothered by it? Not sure but if there is history of her appropriating drama to give her a role then yeah, I would still be bothered.

Bringing siblings is also odd. If she was concerned that the situation was difficult and wanted to be there to support son, fair enough. But bringing siblings, why?

This isn't on the same scale as op's experience but when my first was 2 days old, I was home but shattered, in nightie, clean but looked haggard from lack of sleep, episiotomy pain, the usual, sil and her husband turned up wanting to take pictures. Wanted my baby handed round for poses and I said no . I didn't want the intrusion. I wanted calm, quiet and be left with my newborn. But she took pictures anyway. Me looking like shit, not smiling because I didn't want to fake them for her. I felt ... violated too extreme to describe it .... but walked over.

I understand op not wanting the self-appointed midwife there. The whole birthing experience is fraught enough and personally disempowering. Like a doctor sticking her finger up my bum to check I hadn't perforated my bowel...

Hugs op.