To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

I have an amazing relationship with my mother in law. Have known her 18 years since I was 15. She's like a second mum to me.

She never turned up to my births though but they were fast and I wasn't rushed for surgery with 26 week old twins.

Had she rushed to support my husband in that moment would I be annoyed. No. She would of sat away in the corner though and 100% wouldn't of been leaning over watching me like I was some sort of spectating sport. Surely most people would find that invasive and would just give someone a bit of breathing space to come round then let their husband talk. So for that I would of been annoyed. But had she stood back out the way, no.

Out of curiosity why did your mother not stand up for you and what you wanted? Surely that's the reason for having your mum as a second birth partner? Sometime men having not gone through birth aren't as forthcoming in talking for you but mum's mostly are?

He isn't a mummy's boy. He advocated for me multiple times in hospital when I was unwell and he has told his mother on several occasions to leave me alone

I think calling him weak because he was absolutely dazed thinking me and the twins hadn't made it is unfair.

It's not the only thing she's done to me

Sounds like issues to me.

Op
You should not be having to defend yourself and how you feel/felt.
Some posters have become quite personal about you .
There is no need fir that .
No need at all .
You sound insightful, I think you have a lot of self awareness .
And got what it's worth , again I will say . I completely understand how you feel about those first few moments, when you first awoke ( bit mean to focus on the fact she will have been awake in the recovery room, as the op is not aware of this)
You feel violated.
And I would have too .
MIL,SIL THE POSTMAN . Doesn't matter who it was .you did not ask for them to be there !

Out of curiosity why did your mother not stand up for you and what you wanted? Surely that's the reason for having your mum as a second birth partner?

She panicked when MIL turned up and couldn't face speaking to anyone because she didn't know what had happened to the babies. She said she stared at the floor in silence until I woke up.

But he knows how you feel about his mother gatecrashing your recovery and he’s not raised it. He knows you're seething and brooding about it months later. So why isn’t he dealing with it? Why would him talking to him mother about it be “putting him through the ringer” emotionally? Is he a man or is he a simpering child?

Bray yeah and most were after the birth.

nc it is attitudes like yours that lead to toxic masculinity. This man thought his wife and children were dying and you think he is weak for wanting support?

NC I've actually only told him recently I'm THIS angry about it. I didn't tell him for ages.

And because his mother is quite unpleasant when challenged and in his culture it's a bit of a taboo to challenge elders. He's already broken that multiple times by defending me and asking them to respect my wishes.

No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I’m saying now, after the dust has settled, why isn’t he communicating with his mother about how the OP felt about the intrusion? OP says she doesn’t want to bring it up because she doesn’t want to traumatise him. But what about HER needs? Why isn’t HE looking out for her?

My apologies for not having read the full thread. I got about 2/3rd of the way through and just couldn't shake off the following:

FFS woman , you could have died and lost your children. You didn't. This should be the cause for the greatest celebration, not a joyless raking over the minutiae of the whys and wherefores. You were unconscious- you woke and your MIL hugged you? It's fine not to like it, it's fine to speak to your husband about it for future reference.

If your MIL was the only one showing emotion and your husband wasn't - that's odd. If your MIL was batting him away and refusing to let him near you- that's odd. But it doesn't sound like this was the case.

Sometimes life just doesn't work out the way we planned it and you know what? That's fine. Things to go shit all the time, but the knack is in being able to see the bigger picture. You are well. Your children are well. Your husband is fine. They all love you.

Loads of stuff doesn't go to plan sometimes- Hospital staff have a thousand other things to do than staking out your room to make sure that certain people are in there at certain times. You had a family member with you- one who has close ties to you and your husband. You don't like her - that much is clear.

That's fine, you can deal with that at another time. You can speak to your husband about boundaries. Hell, go no contact if it makes you feel better. Get counselling, talk it through with someone else. Talk to your husband about managing other people's expectations about your reactions so you won't be freaked out by this sort of thing in the future.

But please try and accept that no one acted maliciously. There is a huge difference between thoughtlessness born out of worry and anxiety and active ill will.

You need more than a handhold

No, I really don't

Then what are you here for? You're getting annoyed that people are suggesting you're having difficulties with your mental health, but that's because being as angry as you are 4 months later is very unusual. I'm sure you don't want to hear that, but you did ask on AIBU.

So OP your DH isn't to blame because he was shocked and upset.

Your mum isn't to blame because She panicked when MIL turned up and couldn't face speaking to anyone because she didn't know what had happened to the babies. She said she stared at the floor in silence until I woke up.

Yet you can't accept that mil might also have been acting from a place of concern and fear? It seems that you are expecting far more from your mil than from anyone else.

DH and my mum went quiet. They didn't cross anyone's boundaries. Even when scared and upset.

Why do so many mothers think they're above the father and his needs? Giving birth doesn't render the father with no rights to support or even his own wishes?

It's that she bought SIL and BIL too. That just makes it feel horrible

OP, setting aside issues of your MiL or who was at the birth, and anything to do with people in the room...

Do you think it would be normal for a person to experience feelings of anger and fear if they and their babies nearly die?

Do you think it would be normal for a person whose children nearly died, to associate fear and anger with the memories of that time?

But OP your husband and mum allowed someone else to cross your boundaries.

And their way of coping was to stand by silently, effectively shutting down.

You mil reacted differently.

No one is to blame really here. With the benefit of hind sight maybe you should have told staff not to let anyone else onto the ward other than DM and DH until you said it was ok.

Why do so many mothers think they're above the father and his needs? Giving birth doesn't render the father with no rights to support or even his own wishes?

No but whilst she's just given birth he can cope with being second for a few days. The woman is the patient, her rights and feelings trump his. I know some people find it hard to cope with there being a situation where men aren't centred, but I think if women are ever allowed to be number 1 then a baby fresh out your womb is it.

It's that she bought SIL and BIL too. That just makes it feel horrible

But you've already said that they waited outside so they didn't affect you in the slightest.

You would be quite right to tell her that she over stepped your boundaries that day.

Do it.

But - unless she's terrible in ways that you haven't yet expressed- that's it. You say "I hated how you impinged on my personal space etc etc", let her apologise - or not - and then move on.

Do speak up every time. Nothing wrong with that. I'm not sure what else there is.

This thread has a flogging dead horse feel to it.

Has someone just told the OP they need to celebrate their trauma?

When the fuck are women's feelings going to be taken seriously.

Stop. Minimising. Birth. Trauma

Stop. Minimising. Birth. Trauma

GunpowderGelatine

No one is. Even the OP has said she's not bothered anymore about nearly dying. Her one and only bugbear is the MIL. People are minimising this.

The ACTUAL trauma, they are quite rightly suggesting she get help for. That's not minimising it, that's giving it importance.

GunpowderGelatine

In the normal run of events you are right. I do think in traumatic circumstances it's understandable that the dad might need some support himself.

In any other circumstance eg someone rushed into A and E people would accept a partner having some support.

I know that at the time it was much harder for my husband to watch what happened too me. I was unaware of what was going on and I didn't realise how serious it was. The focus was on me and the baby (rightly so) but he was unprepared for what he saw. No other time would a partner go into theatre to witness their loved one have surgery. And then for it all to go wrong is an enormous shock to witness.