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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Mother87 · 28/02/2019 23:54

In the room?? Total invasion of privacy I agree...

GunpowderGelatine · 28/02/2019 23:54

But you've already said that they waited outside so they didn't affect you in the slightest

Of course it affected her. It's the principle of bringing them along as if the OP's experience was either something to ignore because babies had to be met, or was some sort of sideshow. It showed a total disrespect for the fact that a woman had gone through very serious and traumatic surgery.

Ask yourselves: if your sister's husband had emergency surgery on his penis or testicles, would you show up at the hospital before he'd come round? And before you say there's no baby to visit in those circumstances - it doesn't matter. You don't visit babies fresh out the womb just because you feel you have some familial right, you have the common decency to ensure the person who's just delivered them is in a fit state for visitors. If she's not - tough shit. The baby will still be tiny and new in a few days time.

GunpowderGelatine · 28/02/2019 23:55

@ILoveBray at least two people have told the OP that she should be happy that she experienced this. How is that not minimising the trauma?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2019 23:55

So you can get over a traumatic birth at 26 weeks where you and the babies nearly died because, well, you didn't and life is pretty full on 4 months down the line with 2 babies and I suspect a few extra complications from their prematurity. But you can't forget a bad call by your MIL in a moment of panic. You were 26 weeks? He didn't need to send histrionics down the phone, it was obvious things weren't OK, that your twins might not survive. In that. Moment of panic about all four of you she made a shot call. The sister and brother in law were grown ups, they didn't have to come so that's on them not her. They also made a bad call, but again from a ace of panic. No one was emotionally able to say"actually Seline wouldn't like you to see her unconscious " so did she even know you wouldn't like it?

Either there's more to the story of you and MIL since the babies came that's feeding the fire or its projection of your anger onto her. And before yo u say no, I didn't ne rssarily mean conscious or deliberate.

It's OK to not be ok. Come on any of the prem Mum sites and you will see how many people don't just ignore the trauma you've ggone through and move on happy and care free

ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 23:57

GunpowderGelatine

I believe they are suggesting she celebrate the fact that she and her children are alive and thriving after being close to death. I wouldn't say that's entirety unreasonable Confused

GunpowderGelatine · 28/02/2019 23:57

@Weetabixandshreddies his feelings and needs still come second. In fact that always do - if he does need support from his mum like in the OP's case, then any half decent person would do that away from the patient who hasn't yet come round from surgery. This is what you'd do if a loved one's partner had a heart bypass, or kidney transplant. You wouldn't dream of going in before they'd woken up, so why is going in straight after giving birth acceptable?

Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 23:58

GunpowderGelatine

Who visited the babies? The OP hasn't said that.

The bil and sil waited outside. How did they affect OP in any way? She would have been totally unaware that they were there. Hundreds of other people would have been there too. It's a public building. They didn't visit OP or the babies as far as she has said.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2019 23:58

if your sister's husband had emergency surgery on his penis or testicles, would you show up at the hospital before he'd come round? if there was a high risk of him not simurviving I'd do to be with my sister. I wouldn't ask to see his penis but then I suspect MIL didn't pull the sheets up for a look. If BIL was someone I loved I might go and see him whilst he was unconscious just to reassure myself he hadn't died of I didn't know it would bother him. I'd assume his wife or mother would say not to go into the room if that was the case.

NunoGoncalves · 28/02/2019 23:59

your sister's husband had emergency surgery on his penis or testicles, would you show up at the hospital before he'd come round?

If my sister's husband went into emergency surgery (for his penis or wherever) the whole family would be there ASAP. Seems fairly normal to me.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 00:00

I've explained how it affected the OP @Weetabixandshreddies with the BIL mad SIL being there. It's the principle of the MIL bringing them a long like it's a family day out to the zoo.

Re my visiting babies comment - I didn't say anyone had visited the OP'a babies. That's me anticipating that "penile surgery isn't the same as giving birth because there isn't babies to visit"

ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 00:01

GunpowderGelatine

then any half decent person would do that away from the patient who hasn't yet come round from surgery.

Completely unrealistic. Disappear from the side of your wife who just almost died, leaving her to wake up alone? How is that better?

Ponchos10 · 01/03/2019 00:01

I feel your pain & confusion. She should have waited outside with Her children in the waiting room until you woke up & gave the ok. Yes, he needed support also, but it was your privacy that was not respected. When they visit your home, they don't go into your bedroom just because their son/daughter said they could, it's also your private space. Same at the hospital, you were recovering in a private space and you hadn't debriefed with hubby what had happened. Sure, she knew all the info as she was there for her son, but you needed time to debrief to get your head around it and not one of us wakes up prettily after anaesthetic. I do think you need to talk to hubby, 1st write down your questions so that they all get answered, but let him answer. Don't let yourself get upset, have a talking stick if need be and only hold it when you ask your q's, when you respond to his answers and he holds it for his responses. You may not like what he says but, remember this is how he reacted to the emergency, how he could get through it, you love him for all that makes him him and yes, there are days when you think 'what the hell!'. Even I joke that I'll happily see the back of my husband and I'm sure the same with him. No, I DNTYRBU.

JassyRadlett · 01/03/2019 00:02

Why do so many mothers think they're above the father and his needs? Giving birth doesn't render the father with no rights to support or even his own wishes?

Seriously what? When a woman is giving birth, or undergoing surgery, or nearly fucking dying, yes, damn straight her needs are above those of the person who is going through none of those things.

Yes, these things can be stressful and terrifying and awful for the mother’s partner. But their needs are absolutely secondary to the person who is actually the patient.

AngelaHodgeson · 01/03/2019 00:02

If my sister's husband went into emergency surgery (for his penis or wherever) the whole family would be there ASAP. Seems fairly normal to me.

See that seems totally strange to me. Not the norm in my family at all and not amongst close friends either. I'd absolutely hate it if I were the ill person, and (imo) when I person is ill enough to be admitted to hospital as an emergency their feeling come first.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2019 00:03

We're a fany who would gather in a crisis. My sister talked her way into RECOVERY after my EMCS and I had DH with me. When her MIL was on deaths door I went to the hospital to be with her as much as see her MIL. When her husband died I ran across a hospital bare footed to be with her. When DS was tiny and so very very poorly we gathered all the immediate fany we could. I wonder if OP's Dh's family are similar in that way and as such wouldn't consider it a violation for his mother to visit OP covered up and resting

Weetabixandshreddies · 01/03/2019 00:04

@GunpowderGelatine

I disagree that dads feelings always come second. They are his children and he has every right to feel scared and upset.

It seems like everyone acted in panic and they clearly didn't do want OP wanted and this is something that she has to process now.

I do think DH couldn't win though. If he had gone outside to be with his mum he would have been wrong.

Can you imagine if DH was gravely ill and op was scared that he might die? Who would she want to support her? The MIL who could be there because she is his mum? I bet my house that OP would want her mum there with her.

ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 00:05

JassyRadlett

Yes, these things can be stressful and terrifying and awful for the mother’s partner. But their needs are absolutely secondary to the person who is actually the patient

The babies were delivered, making them patients too. Putting their needs first means considering their father too.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 00:05

If my sister's husband went into emergency surgery (for his penis or wherever) the whole family would be there ASAP. Seems fairly normal to me

Confused

Are you also one of those families who traipses aunts, uncles, granny, grandad, cousins and 14 kids to A&E when someone sprains their wrist.

NunoGoncalves · 01/03/2019 00:05

See that seems totally strange to me. Not the norm in my family at all and not amongst close friends either

Which goes to show how everyone is different, I guess. Where the MiL was wrong (or not) is if she clearly knew the OP didn't want her there and went anyway. If she didn't know, then she's hardly being unreasonable is she?

I'm not sure the OP cares about that anyway, what she wants to know is "Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?" to which the answer is maybe not unfair, but it probably shouldn't still be affecting her so deeply.

Seems the OP doesn't want to hear that either. 🤷

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 00:06

The babies were delivered, making them patients too. Putting their needs first means considering their father too

All babies need and expect in the first days are their mother. The father is not a patient. His needs shouldn't be disregarded but they certainly shouldn't come first

NunoGoncalves · 01/03/2019 00:07

Are you also one of those families who traipses aunts, uncles, granny, grandad, cousins and 14 kids to A&E when someone sprains their wrist

No, we're one of those families who support each other by being present when somebody and their two babies are at risk of dying. As are most people I know. There's quite an obvious difference. Hmm

IncrediblySadToo · 01/03/2019 00:07

Seline. So, you got on quite well before the birth? Are you sure she realised you wouldn’t want her in there? I know you had DH & your Mum as your birthing partners, but when a birth changes & the situation become an emergency & life threatening, things change enormously and people rally around, maybe she though as you nearly died you would be happy to see them all?

Like you, I can’t abide a big fuss and people seeing me when I’m vulnerable. I was in hospital last year even emergency surgery & it was quite an effort to stop people visiting. I know they meant well and I really appreciated the gesture, but I didn’t want visitors. I’d have been properly pissed off to come out of surgery & see someone I didn’t want there. However, I would have accepted my part in it if I hadn’t been very clear...but it seems like you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be clear that you didn’t want an anyone other than your DH & Mum in your recovery room.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/03/2019 00:07

I have followed this entire thread and I'm at a loss. Yes op, I understand that you were annoyed at your MIL's presence. I would be, too. But for fuck's sake, GET OVER IT. It happened. It can't be undone. You weren't assaulted. No one died. The world didn't end. Your lack of perspective is quite frankly shocking. You clearly refuse to stop kicking a dead dog.

GunpowderGelatine · 01/03/2019 00:09

I disagree that dads feelings always come second. They are his children and he has every right to feel scared and upset.

He is not a patient. His needs must never trump that of the patients. In no other wards would visitors be considered given equal rights and regard to patients

ILoveBray · 01/03/2019 00:09

I find it really sad that people on here have such a low opinion of a how important a child's father is. Like he's not equally invested in his children. No he's not a patient, but he's nearly lost his wife and child, he's entitled to some sort of familial support. Bloody hell!