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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 23:11

Why do people want to talk about it? I can't imagine anything worse. Would rather just forget it.

But you aren't forgetting it. You're discussing it and ruminating on it over multiple threads.

If you can forget it and move on that's great.

bundesdelboy · 28/02/2019 23:12

OP's right to privacy, dignity and her own views in relation to her treatment are enshrined in the NHS's own code of practice

Exactly! I'm still sitting here in disbelief at the number of posters minimising the complete failure of the staff and the DH birth partner in this way. If OP had been in for a triple heart bypass, would posters still be saying it's ok to wake up to the explicitly-not-on-the-approved-visitor-list-during-surgery random relative?! With the lazy defence that her DH may have wanted support according to said relative (there's nothing here to suggest the DH called asking MIL to help him cope)...

I suspect not.

Minimising birth trauma and women's rights to privacy and dignity during birth (a medical event, not a fucking spectator sport) is just misogyny at its most blatant and appalling.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:13

I don't think about it in day to day life. It's as if It never happened. The way I see it, why save me if I'm going to spend the rest of my life wondering why I've been saved? It's a waste. I went through hell to get my children (complicated pregnancies) so I'm hardly going to spend my time crying over something that nearly happened when things are actually happening now.

OP posts:
NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:15

Again, why aren’t you talking to your MIL about it?

Why are you so afraid or/and reluctant to communicate?

Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 23:16

It's also a waste spending so much energy on this one incident. Move forward and enjoy life with your three, I'm sure beautiful, kids!

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:16

That is what adults do. You keep saying you don’t need a handhold, that you are not a child.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:16

Because I don't want her to respond by being a knob to DH about it which is what she usually does. Then DH will feel upset because he doesn't like hurting people and I don't want to give him any stress just because I'm irritated by something.

OP posts:
NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:17

Well, then your FH needs to grow a pair and be a man. He needs to decide who the woman and priority of his life is. You or his DM. He is not a child either

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:18

*DH not FH

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:18

No he isn't a child but he's a very kind and sensitive person. He's not like me who cab weather a thousand arguments without blinking, he takes it to heart. I don't want to do that to him.

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 23:19

I needed support after my ds and dh accident, have you ever seen a baby and adults skin literally melt of them until you see their bones, ever had to hold your baby while they scraped their burnt skin away.

Endure multiple skin grafts (failed and successfull grafts)

Held them down 37 times while enduring another general anaesthetic! all under the age of 2, his treatment started at 11months old!!!

At 9 he still has daily treatment!

ABSOLUTELY NO SHAME IN SAYING HELP ME UNDERSTAND AND UNDERSTAND WHY THIS HAPPENED TO US!

NONE WHATSOEVER!!!

Notonthestairs · 28/02/2019 23:19

What would you like to happen now?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:19

I did mention it to him tonight and he said he understands why I'm upset and that he remembers asking her to wait outside.

OP posts:
mitzmoo · 28/02/2019 23:20

Seline Thu 28-Feb-19 23:06:30
Why do people want to talk about it? I can't imagine anything worse. Would rather just forget it.

Only you don't want to forget about it - every few weeks you're posting the same threads, omitting the back story and trying to justify why you want to alienate your husband's family - the poor woman did nothing wrong apart from being there for her son - yes she should have 'sensibly' stayed outside (said no-one ever in an emergency situation) but your vile hatred towards her is misplaced - she has done NOTHING to warrant it - it's you with the problem and as a mother of a son I'm so thankful I've got such a lovely DIL - you really are so unreasonable and irrational and it's disingenuous you're omitting the whole story to get posters to agree with you - you disgust me - you give some women the stereotype of vile whereby in laws are

PersonaNonGarter · 28/02/2019 23:20

I don't think about it in day to day life. It's as if It never happened.

You do think about it. But it is very painful so you transfer it to something you can cope with: being angry at MiL.

OP, this is about transference and mental loops and how we see ourselves and how ready we are to connect with our weaknesses.

To get over your anger you are going to need to process some festering pain to do with the birth and fear of losing your children.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:21

Haud that sounds horrendous. Despite our differing views I'm genuinely sorry that happened. How awful. Flowers

OP posts:
NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:21

You seem overly protective and concerned for your DH’s feelings. But where was he in protecting you and yours in your hour of need? He let you down OP. Understandably under the circumstances. But he let you down in letting his DM get her own way over your needs. You need to redirect your anger.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:21

There isn't a backstory. Me and her having an argument only occurred after this incident.

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 23:22

bundesdelboy

Did the OP have a list of not approved visitors that the hospital ignored?

My understanding is that OP wanted DM and DH as birth partners. That's not the same as saying all other visitors are banned.

Maybe everyone else thought it was ok to have a visitor at the bedside. The mil wasn't at the birth, in keeping with birth plan.

I do think this was a case of no one knowing what the right thing was and people just trying to get through as best they could. Sadly, OP was upset about what happened. She can't change that now but she can change how she deals with it.

I do wonder if the OP is minimising the feelings of the people who witnessed this event though. My husband was far more aware of what happened to me and my son because he saw everything - I didn't. I had my own issues to deal with but he saw far more and was aware of far more.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 23:22

You are so contradicting OP! Read the beginning of yournthreads comments to now Confused

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:23

You seem overly protective and concerned for your DH’s feelings.

I'm very protective of DH yes. He's someone who is truly a good person, something rare and special. I'm not going to hurt him over this.

OP posts:
ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 23:23

There isn't a backstory. Me and her having an argument only occurred after this incident

OP you have alluded to previous problems with your MIL numerous times so this doesn't ring true.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:24

The problems all started after the birth. Prior to that there had only ever been minor disagreements. We used to get on well and sometimes even visit each other just to spend time together not for DH!

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 23:25

I agree wheetabix I honestly think it is emotionally harder for the person not knocked out or high on drugs.

I think this is one reason why DH had post natal depression and I didn't.

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:25

Sorry OP. He may be a good and rare and special person in your eyes but to an outsider reading this he sounds like a mummy’s boy who let his wife down badly when she needed him the most.

It’s him you should be taking issue with more than your MIL. He is weak.