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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 23:01

*It's not the only thing she's done to me.
*
So there is a massive back story then?

CP2018 · 28/02/2019 23:02

YANBU.
I went through a horrible post partum, of being rushed back in to hospital 1 week after giving birth with sepsis. I ended up with septic shock and heart failure because of the sepsis, in ICU. I was discharged home after 1 week. I felt very very ropey for a long time afterwards, both physically and mentally. I cant say I felt well until my DS was about 3 months old. HUsband insisted that MIL come "to help" when I was 5 weeks post partum because "he needed psychological support from her so he could get over the trauma of what I had been through." AGAINST my better judgement I agreed to let her come to visit.
she behaved absolutely appallingly within 12 hour of arriving had invited my brother and sister in law over and their 3 year old to see the new baby without even asking me. I was so weak at the time i could barely climb the stairs and to top it off was struggling with breastfeeding and to have all these people there when I was weak and vulnerable....exactly as you said you felt...was not at all helpful or conducive to me recovering.
my pathetic husband was too cowardly to stand up for me and he basically tried to tell me I was wrong.

dont let anybody tell you you are wrong or unreasonable. YOU are the one who gave birth. YOU are the one who nearly died. YOU are the only one who truly knows.how terrifying that feels. YOU are the one that gets to call the shots about what happens next and when you are feeling up for seeing people. anyone posting who hasn't been through a similarly life threatening situation has no idea what all of the above feels like and therefore no idea what they are talking about and needs to shut the hell up.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 23:02

sorry thought I’d just come back and clarify

No one said OP has PND, what they advised due to her trauma that she should seek to rule out PND/PTSD,what the did advise however is that OPseek counselling for her obsessive/extreme misplaced feelings and hatered towards her MIL

No one has assumed OP has PND, this isn’t the OP’s first thread on this, it’s several however clearly OP needs help/support!

Yet she continually advises us she does not as seeked professional advice Hmm —- but then starts ANOTHER new thread Hmm

OP has 3 children, not just the twins. Refuses to let her in-laws see them without difficulty but happily does with her family...

Have you not noticed the theme that OP is always right and everyone who disagrees with her is in the wrong... which I said 10 pages ago

PersonaNonGarter · 28/02/2019 23:03

I actually have very good insight into the situation. I'm well aware of what happened and I'm well aware of why I feel so negatively towards her and the whole scenario.

In the nicest way, OP, you can’t see what is obvious to almost every other poster. You’ve even avoided it in your reply to me.

You are very, very, very angry because you and your adored babies nearly died. And when you look back and you think of the memory, the first thing that comes to mind is waking up to MiL. You are mentally stuck there, with your feelings of anger. And that is why I think you need some professional help to walk you through your fears and memories of that time.

ElevenSmiles · 28/02/2019 23:03

Have I got this right...MIL is a vile woman......DH and DM are a pair of useless drips.....OP is....a strong woman that moans and moans....on and on......I couldn't be arsed reading the whole thread..... have I got the gist.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:03

Granted, these are the DH's children as well, but she was the one giving birth to them. Childbirth is a messy, painful experience and a major medical procedure in the best of scenarios; it's not a spectator sport

That's also how I feel

mitz there isn't backstory. None of this started until we'd had twins so not until after this event. Bar a couple of minor things I had no problem with her.

OP posts:
ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 23:04

Well OP, you have 18 pages of answers about how others feel about this, and many many many people are suggesting you get help to deal with this. You're not willing to take this on board, so the question was pointless really.

You feel how you feel and nothing will change that. You either wallow or you get help and move past it, I'm not sure what else you want.

RogueV · 28/02/2019 23:04

Haven’t read the entire thread.

I have read quite a few of your posts on multiple threads with regards to your birth and your premature twins.

You sound like you had a shit time but really need to speak to somebody about it.
A debrief with the hospital it something?

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:05

It's because it's the principle of violating my boundaries and putting her wnats above mine when I wasn't able to defend myself

,NC I havent told her

^^ this Seline.

Life and people aren’t ideal. People are flawed and life isn’t perfect. Unless you actually communicate properly, only then can you take the position that you are in the absolute right.

You need help.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:05

No, I don't need support. I'm an adult not q child. I don't need a handhold

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2019 23:06

OP I get you're uncomfortable about people seeing you vulnerable. And I apologise if this has been addressed but I haven't read 19 pages.

How are you dealing with the traumatic birth of your twins and the face you nearly died? Have you come to terms with the awful trauma of that? I wonder if you're focusing your anger on your MIL as it's external to you and easier to deal with?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:06

Why do people want to talk about it? I can't imagine anything worse. Would rather just forget it.

OP posts:
Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 23:06

Is he? He also went through a very traumatic time too.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 23:07

Then I suggest you get counseling Seline. I really think you'll find it helpful.

Listen, I had a situation where there was something in my life that simply wasn't working for me. It wasn't like yours, but it was something that I needed to be able to sort out and put to rest before I could get back to living the best life I could. I went to a counselor. She was fab and together we worked it out in my mind so I could do what I needed to do and then move on. It wasn't always easy, but it was so worth it.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:07

How are you dealing with the traumatic birth of your twins and the face you nearly died? Have you come to terms with the awful trauma of that?

I've accepted it. Accepted it happened and that we didn't die and are now fine. That it doesn't actually matter because we survived and so what nearly happened is as irrelevant as what car drove past me yesterday or who bought the last newspaper.

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 28/02/2019 23:07

So why keep posting? Honestly what do you want?

Babysleeeeeeep · 28/02/2019 23:08

You need more than a handhold Sad

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 23:08

Christ. I’m beginning to feel sorry for your DH.

tessica2 · 28/02/2019 23:08

Generally when people post threads and threads it suggests that they want to talk about it....that could be why posters have suggested talking to someone professional and impartial

Also.....nothing non adult or shameful about needing support or help

dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 23:08

I completely get you would rather forget but repeated posts othe subject suggest that without some additional help you are struggling to do so. Given the level of truama involved this isn't surprising.

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 23:08

Does your husband understand the depth of your feelings about this? Will he understand if you ask to stop seeing your MIL from now on?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:09

Is he? He also went through a very traumatic time too.

He says so. He's just happy it's over. He refuses to have any more children when we originally wanted 4 but that's fine by me as I also don't want anymore after this. Other than that he's fine.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 28/02/2019 23:09

But. Have your forgot it? Or do you find certain noises, sights and sounds flash you back to that trauma? Do you find that you aren't quite the laid back Mum you thought you would be because you came so close to losing them? I ask as a NICU Mom too who nearly lost her baby. It isn't always so easy to bury it and it sounds like you're projecting into your MIL so you can be angry at her instead of the shit of a prem emergency birth

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 23:09

My post above is in response to your earlier response to me:

Me; I don't think you have PND, PTSD, or whatever. I think you found yourself in a situation beyond your control and you don't know how to put it to rest in your mind.

You; Yeah this is how I feel.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:10

You need more than a handhold

No, I really don't.

sleeping not any more. I did at first but it's going now.

OP posts: