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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 22:52

If Brenda's opinion doesn't matter why are you on here looking for validation for your anti social controlling behaviour? Off you go.

ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 22:53

pallisers The traumatic event the OP is posting about isn't the fact that she nearly died or lost her children. It's about the fact her MIL was in the room after she had recovered. Doesn't that strike you as unbalanced, extreme reaction? If she was posting about being traumatised about the near death experience, then absolutely I get it. But the focus is all on the MIL.

And yes, she has been rude, combative and unlikeable Confused

dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 22:53

It really isn't just about OP, it is also about her partner and father of their DC. That doesn't mean she should be excluded or minimised herself but that both people should be supported.
OP, what helped me was accepting that my birth experience was terrible, there was nothing that could be changed about that but that I could make sure it had as little impact as possible on the way either myself or DH parented the DC.
You can be annoyed about your MIL's lack of boundaries but after my experience my birth mantra has been that any birth were everyone lives is a good birth. Some people are much less lucky.

Dreamingofkfc · 28/02/2019 22:53

I agree that your Mil shouldn't have been there. I would also be furious about that. However you have a lot of anger that comes across in all your posts. I don't think you have PND, I think though that you should get help to get past these issues you post about

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:54

I actually have very good insight into the situation. I'm well aware of what happened and I'm well aware of why I feel so negatively towards her and the whole scenario. It's because it was a vulnerable time and she did something that would usually be minor but in context collided with me feeling incredibly vulnerable meaning that the negativity now centres on her.

I'm well aware of how this works.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 28/02/2019 22:54

Have you actually spoken to your DH about what happened? Or your MiL? Properly explained why you feel so upset four months on?

Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 22:54

How has your husband coped with the difficult birth of his children OP?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:54

Where have I been controlling? By nor wanting her there when I've given birth?

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 28/02/2019 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 22:56

You not once have understood your DH need for support when you were being operated on? No just harping on and on, loving wife? When do you have time; you're wasting all your time thinking of how to alienate his mother, if this all you can hold against her from months ago she's hardly a monster.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:56

How has your husband coped with the difficult birth of his children OP?

He's alright. He says he feels mildly depressed from time to time however he's happy we all survived and is enjoying having the babies.

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 22:57

So if you have that insight OP, it sounds like you should be able to redirect that anger to more suitable targets or work on ways of letting it go that don't impact on your relationships. Some form of truama counselling could be really helpful for this.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:57

Jayney why do you think I'm trying to alienate her? I'm not.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 22:57

You say you don't know what you want out of all this. Then I think the first thing to do is figure that out. Until you know what you want, you won't know how to go about getting it.

I think it might benefit you to talk with a counselor. Someone who can simply listen and help you unravel your feelings and figure out what you want. An 'outside person' who is not emotionally involved with you is often just the thing to figure out a situation as fraught with emotion as yours is.

I don't think you have PND, PTSD, or whatever. I think you found yourself in a situation beyond your control and you don't know how to put it to rest in your mind. Putting it to rest doesn't mean 'oh, forget about it' or 'just let it go'. I just means settling it in your mind and figuring out a course of action.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:58

The problem dr is I'm not sure I want to. It's not the only thing she's done to me and I'm not sure I feel she deserves me to forgive it. I think that might be why.

OP posts:
ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 22:58

*I actually have very good insight into the situation. I'm well aware of what happened and I'm well aware of why I feel so negatively towards her and the whole scenario. It's because it was a vulnerable time and she did something that would usually be minor but in context collided with me feeling incredibly vulnerable meaning that the negativity now centres on her.

I'm well aware of how this works.*

So the point of posting was.............?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:58

I don't think you have PND, PTSD, or whatever. I think you found yourself in a situation beyond your control and you don't know how to put it to rest in your mind.

Yeah this is how I feel.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 28/02/2019 22:59

I actually have very good insight into the situation. I'm well aware of what happened and I'm well aware of why I feel so negatively towards her and the whole scenario. It's because it was a vulnerable time and she did something that would usually be minor but in context collided with me feeling incredibly vulnerable meaning that the negativity now centres on her.

I'm well aware of how this works.

Given that you can admit her action was minor do you not see how you are irrationally focusing on this and punishing her? Perhaps it might be the PTSD that's at work here?

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 22:59

Have you actually communicated any of this to your MIL?

As I’ve said in previous posts, I don’t you are at all unreasonable in being angry with her over this.

However if you don’t actually communicate properly with her then I think you are unreasonable to expect her to read your mind.

Remember that not everyone is as bright as you.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:00

Bray to know if others would've hated it too.

I am surprised by how patronising some of you are. I'm aware of association, rumination, snowballing, intrusive thoughts, projecting etc.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/02/2019 23:00

This MiL has intruded on an extremely private situation, a scenario in which the OP, not her DH, was at her most vulnerable, in pain, and understandably didn't want people seeing her in that state. The OP's right to privacy, dignity and her own views in relation to her treatment are enshrined in the NHS's own code of practice. On this occasion this was not upheld.

Granted, these are the DH's children as well, but she was the one giving birth to them. Childbirth is a messy, painful experience and a major medical procedure in the best of scenarios; it's not a spectator sport and the mother is not a spectacle. She was the patient, not her DH, therefore yes, her wishes completely trump his on this occasion. It's outrageous that neither the DH nor the hospital staff have respected her privacy and dignity: the hospital on ethical grounds, the DH on the grounds of common respect and decency. She stated her wishes and they were ignored.

The way in which this OP is being attacked, and especially called names, is way out of line. She had a right to assert her wishes, and she also has the right to be pissed off that they were trampled all over when she was at her most vulnerable.

OP, I hope you're able to move on from this in the way that best suits you. If that means staying away from MiL until your feelings have cooled, so be it. It's important also that you and DH are on the same page when it comes to setting boundaries in the future. Counselling can be a huge help with this, if you're willing to consider it.

Congratulations on your new family.

OlennasWimple · 28/02/2019 23:00

Which is why some form of counselling or therapy could be helpful - so you can work out how to put it to rest

mitzmoo · 28/02/2019 23:01

I absolutely agree that someone who you didn't wish to be with you immediately post op made you feel uncomfortable - this could never be ok.

I do have to agree with Haud - you are being unfair as there is a huge back story as to why you dislike your MIL and your DH family - posters are naturally commenting on this post without knowing the back story of your (irrational) hatred of DH family, denying them seeing your children whilst you tell a half story about why you feel how you do.

A word of warning Seline - My cousin's partner tried to estrange his family all the while her family was ok to visit everyday - he took so much and then recognised how unfair she was to his side of the family and he left her - I've read the full thread and your past threads and really can't see how your MIL is so vile apart from not being 'your family'.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 23:01

Given that you can admit her action was minor do you not see how you are irrationally focusing on this and punishing her? Perhaps it might be the PTSD that's at work here?

It's because it's the principle of violating my boundaries and putting her wnats above mine when I wasn't able to defend myself

,NC I havent told her

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 28/02/2019 23:01

The thing is OP it is you that is being chewed up by this event not your MIL. She sounds cheerfully unaware that you are brooding on whether she deserves forgiveness or not. It is you and not her that is having disturbed peace of mind. This isn't about her it is about you, what is best for your mental health?

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