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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
MrsBartlettforthewin · 28/02/2019 21:47

I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. I wouldn't want someone I was t expecting there as I came round from GA. I cry hysterically when I come round from GA and like you there are only some people I'm happy to have seen me likw that.

Honestly, discuss it with someone talk it through with a therapist and then maybe you'll feel able to explain how you feel to DH and MIL.

Mixedupmummy · 28/02/2019 21:47

I haven't read the whole thread but I want to say ... very strongly ....YANBU!!!!
i had an emcs under General anaesthetic and I rememever how confusing and scary it was waking up. I cannot even begin to imagine how I'd feel if I woke up knowing people had been sitting watching me. i am horrified at peoples responses saying yabu and can't imagine they've been in our positions.

I'd be complaining to the hospital and getting answers as to why she was allowed to be there. of course you also get some councilling and other treatment to help you cope and help you move past this difficult time.

also fwiw you can be happy your twins are alive and also be sad/traumatised by your birthing experience. it's not an either or situation. Flowers

ComeMonday · 28/02/2019 21:51

I guess I can see why you wouldn’t like it if you have history with your MIL but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. At the end of the day you got two beautiful babies who both lived and I’m sure they bring immeasurable joy to your life every day. If not then I wonder if you are fixating on the MIL issue as an emblem for all of the terror and confusion you felt on that day and your feelings of loss of the birth you had pictured. You have a lot to work through and it’s normal to have outsize reactions to things that might not bother other people. But you can’t change the past so what are you hoping for now? Would an apology from your DH and/or MIL help, and if so would it be worth the fallout that would come from trying to make it happen? Only you can decide that. Your feelings are your own.

Cherry83 · 28/02/2019 21:53

OP YANBU and its only been 4 months since the very traumatic experience. It sounds like you are most annoyed about you mil's lack of respect for your privacy but personally I would be asking the hospital why they would allow visitors other than immediate family (ie not in-laws) without your consent. Tbh I wouldn't be happy waking up to anyone other than my husband or a HCP in any kind of hospital situation.

In my experience family treat hospital wards like some sort of public space that they are free to walk into whenever they choose. I had eight people visit me immediately after I gave birth to DC2, they completely ignored midwife's request for 2 visitors at a time. My mil swept past her saying "you won't stop me seeing my own grandchild!" and the rest of the in-laws followed behind her. Thought I would dodge visitors with early discharge following birth of DC4 at 6 hours old but DH insisted stopping off at sil's on way home despite me begging him not to. DC is 13 now and I still haven't forgiven him and it's one of many reasons why he is now XH!

Remember you are entitled to feel how you feel with good reason. Would it help you to come to terms with it by confronting it by complaining to the hospital and talking to your mil...or talking with a counsellor perhaps? Hope things settle down for you soon and good wishes to you and your twins Thanks

Beansandcoffee · 28/02/2019 21:57

I had an emergency C section under GA. I was woken up in the recovery room by two male porters. My H and baby were in another room. I still have weird frightening thoughts about being in a room whilst out of it with two blokes who I didn’t know in it. Give me my MIL anytime over that.

meow1989 · 28/02/2019 21:58

I haven't seen the previous threads but based on this one alone I'm really shocked at some of the comments.

Just from my own emcs, which I was conscious for, immediately after I was covered in sick, catheterised, a bit high from the drugs and bloody knackered after a labour that did not progress. I knew my boy was ok. The OP has stated that she did not know whether her twins had survived, she was vulnerable and unconcious until she woke to her mother in law standing over her than physically grabbing her. It doesn't matter who it was, it was a person that op had not consented to being in the room.

OP was the patient, yes her husband may have needed support, that does not require the ops privacy to be invaded.

Saying that, I do think its something that you need to find a way around @seline, I'm not sure what will make it better now but your little ones are so precious and although its hard, you should try to enjoy them rather than dwell on things like this, for all of your benefits.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 22:07

I understand and feel for you. I'm not saying your feelings are right or wrong. They're your feelings and we are all entitled to feel the way we feel. This is a very, very special time in your life and holding on to this resentment is not allowing you to enjoy it as you should. You aren't hurting MiL by being resentful. But you are hurting yourself.

You've said she isn't going to apologize, so rule that out happening. What do you want to actually accomplish? Do you want to feel justified in telling her how you feel, even if it doesn't result in an apology? Do you simply want validation of your feelings from others (ie MN)? Because the outcome should be that you are able to move forward, let go of negative feelings, and be at peace with yourself.

TheFishInThePot · 28/02/2019 22:11

he said she was trying to be helpful because she's been at "everyone's births" and considers herself an expert

This is telling, she wanted to be in the thick of it. I too would be very upset, I would feel that my privacy was invaded and my DH didn't step up for me.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:13

I don't know what I want. I feel upset that I would've been fine and that my experience was tainted in this way. There are parts that couldn't be helped and I accept that what I don't accept is things that could've been avoided.

I feel intense anger towards her. She's done a few other boundary crossing things and the combination really bothers me. I don't know what would sort this.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2019 22:15

" the most important thing is you're all ok"

This fucking line always gets trotted out by some dimwit. Often trying to minimise someone elses life changing birth trauma/ procedure without consent. In this case invasion of privacy/ disregard.

It only gets rolled out for new mums though. It would be unthinkable for what happened to the op to happen to a man post major surgery.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 22:16

I don’t think OP is unjustified in her feelings, nor was she unreasonable.

However this thread isn’t the 1st thread the OP, has made on this issue, she’s made several, and all been rehashed several times over and over

There’s been NEW threads where OP has went to great pains to not allow her In-laws to see the babies and putting her DH in an impossible situation

Over 4 weeks ago she posted a very similar thread, and her babies are now 5+ months now, and all advise given here was the same then

The majority of people advised OP to seek counselling and ask about PND/PTSD however OP said she was fine and had sought advice

OP says she has ADHD and has a genius IQ...

However then advises her 3 year old who has additional needs and has very delayed speech, yet refused CAHM’s support as she cannot cope with visitors in her property as it causes her extreme anxiety. Op also goes on to say in previous threads that unexpected visitors causes her excessive anxiety which brings on panic attacks

Previous posters have mentioned OP have commented on PND threads or has started threads relating to this.

Searching the OP post history and reading her comment, I’m concerned about th OP wellbeing, her comments at times are aggressive and erratic

I think this thread as OP has posted a few times regarding this topic is not doing her MH any good even if she refuses to accept that there is an clearly worrying underlying issue

my last post on this as I in all my time on MN haven’t seen continuous neurotic posts

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:18

This is telling, she wanted to be in the thick of it

Exactly she always does. She refers to herself as "the midwife" because she is always at people's births. She's an office worker...

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:21

Lmao. Why do certain posters get so upset that I don't want my son seeing camhs at the age of three when I don't think it's suitable?

As it happens, he's recently started speaking in sentences and improved with his meltdowns as he is able to make himself understood. Which is what I was saying all along, that the issues will mainly self resolve once his speech catches up. Amazing. Almost like I know my own son!

OP posts:
Dreamingofkfc · 28/02/2019 22:21

I agree with Haud. The OP has PTSD. Totally understandable with the traumatic experience, however it's time to seek help

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:22

And the idea that every woman who's angry about her birth has PND is patronising and sexist btw. We have a right to be mad about things we don't like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:22

Not everything is a pathology.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:23

Hilarious how every professional I meet thinks I'm fine yet armchair Sigmund Freuds over here can diagnose after a few rants online.

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 22:27

I would say the same to man actually.

Sometimes perspective isn't a bad thing.

I doubt your MIL understands you any more than you her op.

GabriellaMontez · 28/02/2019 22:29

It wouldn't happen to a man. That's the point.

ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:32

The question wasn't whether I'm fine or not. It was about whether other people would have found that annoying. Yet you can't post a question about birth without being screamed at that it's PND.

OP posts:
JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 22:34

IloveBray
Well said, this mother has self diagnosed herself with all manner of conditions, refuses help for her son, is resentful of just about everyone. This sounds like a far from good environment to bring kids up in, get help before your kids end up unsociable anxious and paranoid.

jumpyfroglet · 28/02/2019 22:34

YANBU op and I'm shocked that some posters have even mentioned your DH needing support. In the nicest way possible it's not about him. Fucking sick of reading this shit about it not only being about the mother during childbirth. It's all about the mother and baby- absolutely ludicrous to suggest otherwise.

My own MIL suggested that she came to support DH and I made it perfectly clear that would be a solid no and I needed privacy.

I can't even imagine having gone through all that the op did, not even knowing if your babies are ok and having MIL in my face grabbing me after trying to come to terms with what the hell happened.

I don't know how you move on from here though op. I really feel for you. In the least patronising way possible have you spoken to a therapist about it? I found my birth really traumatising and I was very against the idea but went along to one session to get everyone off my back about it and actually found it seriously helpful. It helped me to put my anger and frustration about what happened to one side. I'll never forget what happened but I don't feel as angry about it anymore.

ILoveBray · 28/02/2019 22:34

Annoying? Possibly. 4 months later I would be over it and focusing on my children.

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 22:35

Jayney I haven't diagnosed myself with anything. You lot seem obsessed with telling me it's PND though.

How is declining one specific thing refusing help for my son? Turns out I was right regarding his speech. Like I knew I was. But yeah you know more than I do don't you.

OP posts: