To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

If I were that type of person, I could well imagine I’d want to be right next to you and the babies (if it were possible), because in my head it would be equal to helping/giving/loving.

And that type of person would be being immensely selfish to be fulfilling their own needs rather than the patient’s, having been told she wouldn’t want an audience and where her mother and husband were hanging back to give her space.

That’s assuming the patient was a complete stranger, not a family member that they might have spent time trying to get to know and appreciate their needs.

To then pull into a hug someone who’s just had major abdominal surgery is again all about the giver of the hug, not the receiver. And is pretty fucking appalling behaviour even if the OP had specifically requested her presence.

Yanbu. I had a similar birth and I wouldn't have liked mil (or anyone else who wasn't dh) to be there in the recovery room.

YANBU!!
It was awful and not helpful. I’m amazed at how many people didn’t read your post properly.

Correct me if I’m wrong but:-
1 OP had made it clear before the birth that she only wanted DH and her mum with her
2 DH did not text his mum and ask her to come, he told her what had happened.
3 MIL wasn’t in a waiting room, she was in the recovery room right next to an unconscious but no longer in danger OP and she remained there as she started to stir, instead of alerting her son and moving aside to allow him to be by OP as she woke.

That alone is dreadful, but with subsequent updates we learn DH reminded his mother that his wife wouldn’t want her in the room and told her to wait outside, so all the posters postulating that she was there - in the recovery room -because DH needed her support are wrong.

OP, I’d be disgusted with MIL, it does sound like she wanted in, not just to support, if she came because she was understandably worried and to support her son then she would have done as her son asked and waited outside.

I’d be angry with her, and disappointed with the hospital and asking questions.

I also ageee that under the circumstances your DH did as much as anyone could expect; he didn’t invite her, and when she arrived he asked her not to come in, he wasn’t in a place to focus on her and her non-compliance, he had NICU newborns and an unconscious wife to worry about.

I totally understand OP. It is an invasion of privacy and personal boundaries at a time you were at your most vulnerable. I would feel the same.

Just to add, I don’t see why this is a MIL bashing thing. It would be just as heinous if it was OPs best friend or her sister.

Op
I can't read any more posts without commenting.
I don't think you have overreacted in anyway.
I would have been so angry if that head been me.
I am like you and really don't like to seen while vulnerable ,and I completely get why her presence in the room upset you .
I also think you are getting some unfair and ott responses.
You are not in need of help just because you did not like what happened .its completely reasonable the way you felt .
It should be your choice who 'visits'you .
And you did not invite this .
It's not a MIL bashing thread. Just so happens to be your MIL who was not invited .
By YOU .as in YOUR choice .

I do understand - it's horrible to feel so vulnerable and to feel that things were out of your control and you didn't know what had happened. It's completely understandable that you would feel that way. What I would say is that all this upset and anger won't do anything of any good now. As hard as it is I think you need to try to let it go. I think you are probably feeling a lot of emotions as it wasn't that long ago and is the scariest thing to have been through. Be kind to yourself but also to your husbands family and try to accept it wasn't what you wanted but that it was what happened and that you can't change it now.

Yabu

OP - what do you want from this thread now?

Do you want MN to tell you that you are NBU? Then what? You tell yourself that you were right all along to feel like this and you can try to move on? Or you get to tell DH that he was wrong, because MN agrees that MiL shouldn't have been there?

Or something else?

Your experience sounds horrific, with or without MiL there, but it sounds as if you are fixating on this incident

Does it summarise a wider problem you have with MiL? Are you struggling with your babies and feel that MiL's intrusion is partly to blame?

What do you want to happen next?

I'm thinking I'm on your mil's side here

The OP has fixated on a completely trivial thing out of all the trauma that did occur, you can't live on 'what if' 'I wanted' it's done, someone showing care & support and that's all she is hanging onto? Yes it is petty.

Wow it take a special kind of person to tell a woman who nearly died and had a traumatic operation that she is being petty because she didn't want someone breathing over her as she woke up from a GA - an hour after said operation. God forbid a woman actually has an opinion about her own care and recovery. She clearly didn't get the memo about being grateful/putting herself behind other people's wants/sucking it all up because anything that happens a woman is "petty" or a "trivial" absent death or dismemberment. Luckily you are here to remind her of her place in the world.

I just can’t imagine by my unconscious son-in-law’s hospital bedside with my distraught daughter elsewhere in the room, and not saying “Darling! I think he’s waking up!” and moving so she was by his side. I mean for fucks sake!

The number of people that see women as grandchild producing vessels is disturbing

The reason I asked is because I wondered whether I was being oversensitive or whether this would have annoyed others too, because that affects what I'll do about it

Imagine everyone had said YANBU. What would you want to do about it, OP?

Again, OP will not have 'just woken up' in her room.
She would need to be extubated and then had very close one to one care for a minimum of 20- 30 minutes before any family came to see her. This would be done either in theatre or a recovery area that has access to emergency equipment, drugs and an anaesthetist incase there was a problem. OP would have to be able to maintain her own airway and oxygen levels and be relatively comfortable pain wise before being sent back to her room.

Due to the anaesthetic drugs given, the OP is highly unlikely to remember any of this.

She was not just woken up and left with her MIL. It doesn't work like that.

GunpowderGelatine

Why does the OP have to move on?

Maybe because it's not healthy to let this become such a primary focus? It's 4 months after the fact now.

Before you accuse me of minimising birth trauma, I've had my own. I seeked help and therapy to move past it and it enabled me to move past it and put all my energy into raising my children.

I suggest the OP do the same, otherwise she will miss out on precious time with her babies, consumed with rage over the fact that her MIL was in her room after she gave birth. There really needs to be some perspective here.

TwinkleTits70 very well said.

You're making this all about you giving birth. But although physically this happened to you, emotionally this was also happening to your dh. For your dh this was him almost losing his wife and unborn children. Probably the single most scary/ traumatic event of his life so far. And his family came to support him.

Some pp are saying this is about women not being respected but I don't think it has anything to do with that. If my sister called me and said her husband was in hospital and needed emergency surgery and she didn't know if he was going to make it, I'd immediately be on my way to support her. And yes, I might end up keeping her company in his room until he came round if that was what she needed/ wanted.

It can't have been nice for you to wake up to your MIL, but before that your dh might have been wondering if you would wake up. And yes your MIL might have invaded your personal space when you woke up, and that probably felt horrible when you were barely with it, but I'd forgive her that, she was probably just so relieved that you were ok she acted completely spontaneously and didn't think about whether it was a good idea.

You arent being unreasonable I would feel that way too and you have every right to feel that way, but logically speaking she was probably just trying to support your partner who lets face it, was probably incapable of making coherent decisions knowing what you were going through and thinking you might have died. He probably wasn't in a position where he even thought about telling mil to clear off..do you feel angry at him for this?

Is it possible that you could be suffering from ptsd? Do you remember everything or are their blanks? I had a very traumatic birth where me and my baby almost died and I was very sensitive, emotional, angry and kept going over everything in my head for several weeks after the birth. I found talking to a therapist really helped as nobody else seemed to understand what I was going through. I found my dh kept trying to fix my problems rather than just listening and we ended up arguing about it all. I felt like I was carrying a lot of upset around with me wherever I went and that I wasn't the same person anymore. If you feel similar please talk to someone.

You are definitely not BU. I totally sympathise. In fact I had a similar issue with my MIL barging into my birth uninvited. The midwife had to escort her out and I could hear my mil shouting at her in the corridor that her grandchild was being born and she should be allowed to stay. I’m still seething about it 4 years on. I felt totally violated and like my wishes weren’t being taken into account. It was as if I was some kind of prize cow and everyone was waiting for the offspring. And that was without the trauma of a section under GA and a near death experience from me and my baby.

Mine came to the hosp when we thought I had miscarried, I was really distraught and felt exactly the same

Ok, I can understand you didn't want her there but the level of hostility and not moving on is worrying.

YANBU.

Noone should have been permitted to enter your room when you were unconscious and recovering from a caesarian other than the medical staff and anyone who you had explicitly permitted - assuming that the staff deemed that appropriate.

You were a patient, not a zoo exhibit, and the feelings of anyone other than the patient should merit ZERO consideration.

i think there have been some really helpful replies on here.most of which from this post and previous I think whatever you are feeling and howeer many people agree or don't this IS what your feeling so its needs to be sorted.and I think this is stemming from the trauma and pent up shit and feelings you have over the course of your birth and babies first months.
so I think you need to look after yourself and get some support with this.because it shouldn't still be effecting you in this way.and things that do linger like this are like a snowball going downhill.it will gather and gather and over time pick up more snow and all bundle together to form this big fecking boulder blighting your life threatening to flatten you.
this began with a trauma and everything associated with it has all gathered together.and over time all other small or big things have become intwined and you just now see this "big"thing of upset.
time to get some support with that I think.
unless your mil is a horrible person Id perhaps just think that everyone was worried sick,trying to do the right thing and with such a terrible time of emotion its hard to know what that is.

OP I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birthing experience. I can't begin to empathise as my own experiences were very positive (I know that I'm very lucky in this respect). It sounds like it was as bad as it can get. I hope you are now enjoying motherhood and have been able to distance yourself from/rationalise the experience you had. Move on, rather than hanging onto the intense anger which radiates through your wording.

As much as I wouldn't have wanted my MIL in the recovery room (my MIL sounds remarkably similar to yours), I do think you sound very defensive and aggressive in your posts. You've asked for opinions and haven't handled those opposite to your own very well.

The fact you said your MIL hugged you when you first came around from the GA suggests she genuinely loves and cares for you. Does she see you as a 'daughter'? She might have understood the full horror of your labour and was really relieved that you were ok. If I were you, I wouldn't bring this up with MIL as it could really damage your relationship, and that between your husband and you. By all means, have a chat about it, but you're going to have to learn to control the bubbling anger/resentment that is dripping through your posts. Your tone and dismissive nature is not likeable at all.